Partner says if he can’t smoke weed NYE I cannot have a drink

[emilycurtisxx]

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

Probably be fully stoned

Don’t have kids with him

You can't be fully stoned and deal with kids though. Swinging in a hammock, bit of reggae on the stereo, all good.. the baby years, or a toddler bouncing off the walls excited at being alive, no chance. He can't drive stoned, wouldn't be sharp enough to care for them, it's just not a possibility. So you need to find a compromise, dump him, get him to quit, or do all the childcare yourself. Like I said up thread, i've known a few people quit when they had kids, but no ones partner was having to nag them about it. They did it because they wanted to. I laugh looking back now. I made a deal with my missis, that I'd only smoke on an evening after baby was in bed. I actually quit months before baby was born, but by six pm, with a new born baby, I couldn't even spell rizzla let alone roll one. Too exhausted, too involved, too much of a different life.

Does he not want you?

Don't move in with him and absolutely do not have kids with him. He is not going to quit, he will just keep moving the goalposts. Him smoking weed clearly bothers you, it's not an unreasonable thing to draw a in in the sand about, but it does mean you're incompatible. I don't think they are equivalent, but he has latched on to his comparison with alcohol and he isn't ever going to drop it. You are never going to be able to have a drink without him seeing it as a free pass. If you go to a wedding and have a drink, he will have a joint. If you have a Baileys on Christmas day, he will have a joint. It's very immature. I bet he is immature in lots of ways. Just dump him.

Realistically he isn't going to quit.

Children are stressful so that's going to be his excuse.

You can only really quit for yourself not because someone else says so.

Have you ever seen children who live in a house where they intake second hand weed smoke, they are like zombies?

Why would you choose to have children with a man who behaves all the ways he does?

Do better. Choose better.

Don't know anyone who has smoked it regularly that hasn't.

From the 60 year old that smoked it "socially", "its no worse than alcohol" who was 50 when he ended up hospitalised to the 20 year old who is now in and out of rehab.

If you go into hospital with psychosis it is the first thing you will be asked.

Yes there is an argument about needing a predisposition to mental health difficulties, but it seems to me that those with a predisposition to mental health are the ones more likely to smoke regularly "because it chills them out" and "its no worse than alcohol".

Anyone that justifies their smoking based on either of those is, very sadly already on their way.

Cannabis utterly ruins people

I sort of agree with him. Both are recreational substances. Alcohol can cause some horrific harm to the body and others and is arguably more addictive. I wouldn't want drugs being smoked around children, nor someone who had drunk too much. I think that your agreement should be nothing in excess and no drugs around kids.

Well he has a point given weeds the same risk as booze

so maybe not compatible 🤷‍♀️

My personal experience between the two is largely centered around my Father. Growing up he was an abusive, vicious drunk. The way alcohol changed him is unfathomable to my mind all these years later. It changed him from a rational, kind and funny man into something twisted, evil with not an iota of compassion or sense.

I introduced him to weed when he was in his fifties and it totally changed him as a person. It allowed for him to talk about his own abusive childhood and gain insight into his alcohol dependence. We can now talk for hours, laugh and eat (he also had disordered eating most of his life). I could feel the weed bringing us closer and bridging the gap that alcohol had caused. We have had lots of uncomfortable conversations when smoking and it has helped with closure and forgivness. I understand him better. He replaced one crutch with another, that probably saved his life. So he couldn't navigate his way through this life without a substance. His children were not 'enough' to fix his wounds and he wasn't strong enough to put us first. It may not be right but each of us have to do what we have to do to survive our time here.

He's never had a bad trip because I taught him how to smoke. Some will claim it's more harmful to the individual than alcohol is and you have every right to believe that, but it's all relative isn't it, I have nothing but haunting memories of alcohol and pleasant memories with weed.

He says it doesn’t affect him, which quite honestly i can’t even tell the difference anymore. The only
difference I can see is when he doesn’t smoke it and he’s ratty. I completely agree with you that when looking after a child your reactions need to be on point and not delayed from weed etc, especially when driving etc. he has said he won’t smoke around the baby. He is clever with his wording because he has said AROUND, eg he can go outside and smoke. I would feel much more comfortable if he said what you said and wouldn’t smoke until baby is in bed asleep. Any advice on getting someone to quit when they see no harm in it? It’s very difficult. Congrats on quitting. What was your drive/reason?

Thanks. Problem is what is excess? He refuses to tell me how much he is smoking as doesn’t want to be micromanaged. I would happily agree to x amount of alcohol per week/month. I’m no defensive over it.

I didn't quit, well not fully. I quit smoking, because its a dumb ass thing to do. I occasionally had some edibles, back in the day, with my buddy who lives on a narrow boat, and baked them in his wood stove. But, yes, in practical terms of family life I quit. I was totally buzzing to have a baby, completely smitten with my wife, and standing with a very different view of what the future held. I also got into indoor climbing, running and cycling. There ain't no wheezing yourself up a climbing wall. It doesn't matter if he thinks it affects him. If the plod stop him driving under the influence, that's all your lives ruined. And anyway, he's talking shit, of course it affects him. Build him a really fat one, get him to smoke it, then offer him £100 if he can run even a mile. You'll be going home with full pockets.

Notwithstanding the litany of insane opinions (and sweeping insults) about drugs reliably found in every MN thread, what it boils down to is that you cannot be telling another adult what to do. Either of you. You are allowed to have your own boundaries around drugs and booze, and to have conversations about compromises, but if you disagree on the compromises (or are unable to stick to them) then you should face up to your incompatibility before trying to change the other person into someone they're not and don't want to be. That usually means separating.

I want to add that in my twenties, I got dumped by two or three women because of my cannabis use. Its a pretty common deal breaker. I also had girlfriends who smoked, and we had a great time together. He shouldn't be micromanaged, he's a grown up. It's sad, but your choice is to stay or go. It's unlikely he'll change much for a baby, if he's not up for changing to be with you. I love ganja, it's a beautiful plant, with many positives. But i find the idea of being half baked, pushing a pram whist doing the shopping at the weekend, just unrealistic. Unless its round ikea, which is great fun high. This isn't about weed, it's about your relationship.

Of course he won't tell you how much he smokes and it's not because he 'feels micromanaged'. It's because he's hiding how much he actually is smoking. You won't find out til he's moved you in, got you pregnant and you're struggling financially because drugs will be his priority.

Don't waste any more of your time on him. How anyone can date a druggie is beyond me, they stink to high heaven, I couldn't even sit beside one on the train. There are plenty of decent men out there who aren't addicts, this guy is not your last chance or the only man left alive, do better for you and your future children.

Any advice on getting someone to quit when they see no harm in it?

You are under the misguided assumption that you can change him. You either accept he smokes weed when and how often he likes or you don’t but he has shown no intent to stop or moderate.

You aren’t the first woman to sacrifice their future on the ‘if he would only see’ altar. You have been warned!

Jeezo op, do not have kids with this man! He won’t change.

Does your partner smoke tobacco, in the joints, or as cigarettes? If you can get him to use a dry herb vape, they use a lot, lot less weed. It will lower his tolerance, and if I was quitting now, I'd go down that route. The nicotine is harder to quit than the marijuana in my experience.

Hes a needy man child. They never change. Get rid

He's an addict - he needs his substance to feel 'normal'.

Do you want to be with an addict? Do you want to have children with an addict?

He pretended he would change for you at the beginning. He's not able to or he would have. Stop gambling on his potential and see hom for who he is. Then if you have any sense, you'll get out. He's chosen weed, not you. You need to choose yourself, not him.

He sounds like an unpleasant person, vindictive, immature and controlling. I wouldn't be happy in that relationship. Is there anything positive about him (besides his drug test )

thats very unfortunately and statistically very rare. Pretty much everyone I know uses it (vapes not smokes in most cases) and are all professionals with mortgages and families and the like.

do you really think so much of the world would have legalised it if it unequivocally gave everyone psychosis?!

He won't give it up!

Wake up - this is your future!

And how much is he spending on it?

For goodness sake don't have children with this man. He sounds a dead loss. Who wants to be tied to a stoner?