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Original poster

Partner says if he can’t smoke weed NYE I cannot have a drink

204 replies

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:10

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

OP posts:
Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 24/12/2023 01:07

In my extensive experience growing up with a parent that smoked pot, and friends that smoked, generally, pot heads do not make great parents. Good enough at best, but inherently not great at paying attention.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/12/2023 01:19

You are not suited for each other. 🤷‍♀️

SaturdayGiraffe · 24/12/2023 01:32

You say you’re always around his family and friends. Why is that? Does he spend equal time with yours?
What is his father like? (or mother if father not around) This will be his main role model for behaviour if he has kids.
And since he lied to you at the start of the relationship about his dependence (the importance of weed and priority in his life) what makes you think he is telling the truth about stopping for children?

KatesMott · 24/12/2023 02:46

@emilycurtisxx "we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying."

So he has stuck to your compromise of only smoking on a weekend, remember you said he can smoke on weekends as opposed to a specific amount of weekends, therefore he has done exactly as you asked. NYE is also on a weekend, so again he's sticking to what was agreed. Now you are trying to change the parameters with seemingly no real reason.

The weed by your own admission doesn't have a negative impact on him, it's not having weed that causes issues. This suggests some level of desire for it, not necessarily a dependency but clearly something he likes, enjoys and wants to continue. You don't like it, and you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. You knew he smoked weed when you got with him, you hoped you could change him but ultimately I don't think he wants to and continuing to try and force this will only cause deeper issues in the relationship. If you don't want someone who smokes weed, and thats fine, then move on and find someone who doesn't. Trying to modify a behavior with someone who clearly doesn't want to is only going to build resentment on both sides.

Honeychickpea · 24/12/2023 02:50

I agree with your partner. Alcohol ruins so many more lives than weed.

25yearstilretirement · 24/12/2023 02:58

2 independent adults - do what you each like and stop trying to control
Each other.

Toastandcoldsaltedbutter · 24/12/2023 03:23

I'm probably a lot older than you but in my experience, those who don't have similar 'social preferences' tend to split regardless of whether one is controlling or not. Weed smokers always seem reluctant to want to socialise and your relationship with alcohol is not healthy. Finding a partner who can put you at ease socially is the key here. Nearly all the 'smokers' I have encountered (male and female) also use their chosen poison to cope with anxiety or emotions they find uncomfortable, too. You both seem anxious people.

Gunpowder · 24/12/2023 03:44

I don’t think a regular weed habit is comparable to an occasional drink, just as having a joint once every couple of months socially wouldn’t be comparable to someone who drank a bottle of wine or 6 pints every night.

OP I would think really carefully before moving in and certainly before having kids with this man. There is so much heartache involved in being with an addict. Having children puts stress in the relationship and also the individual, so he’s likely to smoke more rather than less when you have kids. It’s also harder to leave someone once you have children - both logistically and emotionally.

If you need to have a drink to socialise with his friends and family because they make you feel uncomfortable this is another huge red flag. They don’t sounds great either. Please put yourself and your future first.

Shoxfordian · 24/12/2023 04:36

Why would you even consider having kids with him or moving in with him? Do yourself a favour and end it

KickHimInTheCrotch · 24/12/2023 05:38

He will only stop when he wants to. No amount of nagging and bargaining from you will mean he changes his behaviour long term. If it is important to you that your partner doesn't smoke you can vote with your feet. If you move in with him and he doesn't stop then you can move out - having children is not a reversible decision though.

NutellaEllaElla · 24/12/2023 05:43

Doesn't matter what he said before, this is the situation now. You guys aren't compatible, you'll be arguing about this for the rest of your lives. Don't have kids with him.

Codlingmoths · 24/12/2023 05:44

Having kids is never ever ever in the history of the universe less stressful than not having kids (unless perhaps been trying for years and are desperately sad about it), and it does not make iota of difference whether he wants the kids or not. He is full of shit and you risk only finding this out once you have a child together and it’s too late.

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 05:47

I don't understand why you're trying to control him. What's wrong with weed exactly? How is it different than alcohol?

Ragwort · 24/12/2023 05:47

Please don't even think of having children with this man, you are (both) being totally irresponsible and to bring children into this relationship would be selfish and very damaging for any future children.

Josette77 · 24/12/2023 05:52

Canadian here who enjoys weed.

I don't see why it's worse than alcohol?

I find this attitude interesting on here. Alcohol is so damaging but somehow acceptable.

I grew up in BC and attitudes were very different there. Marijuana is not seen as an issue.

None of the people I know who smoke weed are boring lazy people.

I don't doubt there are some, just like there are alcoholics but I wouldn't say it's the norm.

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 05:57

Josette77 · 24/12/2023 05:52

Canadian here who enjoys weed.

I don't see why it's worse than alcohol?

I find this attitude interesting on here. Alcohol is so damaging but somehow acceptable.

I grew up in BC and attitudes were very different there. Marijuana is not seen as an issue.

None of the people I know who smoke weed are boring lazy people.

I don't doubt there are some, just like there are alcoholics but I wouldn't say it's the norm.

Exactly. I'm in the US.

Weed is medicine (even better when taken as something edible instead of smoked!) Yet alcohol is literally a toxin. Alcohol is astronomically worse in every possible way.

caringcarer · 24/12/2023 06:04

DidIMakeaMistake · 23/12/2023 23:16

What a loser!!! Get away from him.

This. Why bother him. There are men around who can function without weed.

autienotnaughty · 24/12/2023 06:28

So to clarify your partner smokes weed. You do not smoke it and want him to stop. He says he will stop but not now.
He wants you to not drink (presumably as a punishment for him not smoking)
When he doesn't smoke he is stroppy with you.

Honestly this sounds awful. You either have this stroppy man who's unhappy and takes it out on you. Or you are with someone who thinks taking illegal drugs is acceptable.

He hasn't done anything to prove he wants to change and is basically fobbing you off. He also doesn't want you to drink (which is legal) on some basis of well if I suffer you can suffer too.

Why are you with this person? He will not stop. He's telling you what you want to hear to shut you up. And punishing you for restricting him. I'd leave and find someone who isn't a drug user. Tbh it's not just the drugs it's the way he treats you. Thus will only get worse if you have kids together.

Nosleepforthismum · 24/12/2023 06:50

Oh FFS. Don’t have kids with this man. Having kids is NOT relaxing in any way. If he needs weed to relax now, he will be on the verge of a nervous breakdown with a two year old.

wildeflowers · 24/12/2023 06:51

Alcohol is SO much worse than weed, and you are controlling!

OkJose · 24/12/2023 06:56

Anyone that says that they can't see the difference between weed and alcohol in this situation has never lived with a weed addict.

You post really resonates with me. Your partner is a full blown addict. The bad moods etc will get worse over time, you won't be able to go on holiday without his behavior ruining the trip from the bad moods.

He will promise the earth to stop, make excuses and lie. DO NOT have children with this man, get out of the relationship while you aren't tied to him.

Maybe some people can smoke week without getting hooked but form those who are already an addict it is extremely difficult to stop, it takes a huge amount of will power that has to come from within them. Trying to force him won't work, he will just lie and turn things round on you, make it your responsibility to 'calm' him down.

I have heard all these excuses and more. I've been trying to get DH to stop for 20 years and tried to protect DS from the effects of DH's mood swings for most of that time.

It's an evil drug for some people, relatively harmless for others. In your case, he's already in too deep. Please, please save yourself the pain and don't waste your life like I have.

Wolfiefan · 24/12/2023 07:06

Whether or not weed or alcohol is worse isn’t the post.
This bloke gets awful moods when he doesn’t use. That’s a huge red flag whether it’s booze or weed.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 24/12/2023 07:07

This has got disaster written all over it, your setting yourself up for a life of pain here.

Wishimaywishimight · 24/12/2023 07:14

emilycurtisxx · 24/12/2023 00:05

This. Right. Here. Is my main concern. He said it will be different cause he wants the kids?

Show quote history

He has already said weed is not a priority and that was clearly a lie. A "snappy and irritable" dad will be no fun for children (or you). You would be very foolish to have a baby with him

porridgeisbae · 24/12/2023 07:19

If you don't like him being a druggie (and I agree with you @emilycurtisxx ) dump him and find someone without this scabby habit.

How he's acting over this also shows he would be an irritating partner.