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Original poster

Partner says if he can’t smoke weed NYE I cannot have a drink

204 replies

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:10

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 23/12/2023 23:39

Would your life not be better without a drug addict in it?

Sometimeswinning · 23/12/2023 23:43

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:38

Alcohol is not important to me. I could very easily not go out and quit drinking all together. If I don’t go out with his friends and family I would never drink. I suspect he smokes every other day or every 3 days. He is irritable without it. It affects his behaviour when he does not smoke. Said I need to help him relax if he gives it up.

Show quote history

You need to stop blaming others for your behaviour. It’s not putting you in any innocent light and therefore I don’t think you can actually tell him what to do without being a hypocrite.

If he wont give up for your future family and you are obviously not comfortable around his family then I think you are both best off separating.

My dh smoked. He was moved to smoking in his own time after dd was born and far away from our home. He stopped in the end. But it was never an issue for either of us.

SamW98 · 23/12/2023 23:45

So he lied about his weed smoking, you need a drink to be in his friends company and he has withdrawal symptoms making him irritable plus he’ll only stop with conditions attached.

Is this really what you want for your life?

Mistressofnone · 23/12/2023 23:46

My DH was a weed smoker when we met and told me he planned to stop. Years later he still hadn't quit and we had two children. It occurred to me what a negative, huffy, lazy forgetful and snappy old git he had become. Holidays were never fun as there were withdrawal symptoms and he was an utter stresshead.

After a showdown one day he finally gave up and after about 3 weeks of misery and bad insomnia, he was a new man. Cheerful, proactive, calm and lost that weird stuffy smell. Yes it's legal in some places but it is regulated and not padded out with poisonous crap.

I would have quit alcohol if it made him quit weed. Maybe not chocolate though.

DeeCeeCherry · 23/12/2023 23:48

You're just creating hard work for yourself. Good luck tho

BrimfulOfMash · 23/12/2023 23:49

What exactly bothers you about his smoking? Is it all the time and to the extent that it affects your life with him, his work, etc?

In principle it is ridiculous that alcohol is legal, encouraged, the focus of so many humorous birthday cards about Prosecco and gleefully guzzled at 10am by people on AI holidays while weed is illegal and it’s users reviled.

Is he a loser of a stoner, or someone who likes a joint to relax and unwind?

That’s the important point.

Icedlatteplease · 23/12/2023 23:50

Wouldn't consider dating a weed smoker let alone move in with him.

And no its not comparable to the odd drink. you smoke weed the psychosis will get you in the end....

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 23:53

He is not going to give it up. Don't waste your precious life, thinking he will. He doesn't want to and he won't do it.

You would be far better off just moving on than trying to change him.

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2023 23:56

I couldn't be happy with someone who smoked weed. I think it makes people boring / unmotivated / angry.
I think he's addicted. He can have his opinion about alcohol if he likes but I don't think it's comparable because it doesn't sound like you are dependent.

Nicole1111 · 23/12/2023 23:58

Stroppy when he doesn’t have a smoke and needs you to help him relax, is your boyfriend a teenager? If he can’t relax or manage his stress without weed how is he going to manage the stress of parenting without it?

uclpp · 23/12/2023 23:59

Tell him he can smoke as much weed as he wants on NYE because he will no longer be your partner/boyfriend.

He sounds like a loser.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 24/12/2023 00:00

Op come on. Just end the relationship. Fgs. Why choose this for your future child?

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 24/12/2023 00:05

Nicole1111 · 23/12/2023 23:58

Stroppy when he doesn’t have a smoke and needs you to help him relax, is your boyfriend a teenager? If he can’t relax or manage his stress without weed how is he going to manage the stress of parenting without it?

This. Right. Here. Is my main concern. He said it will be different cause he wants the kids?

OP posts:
Grimpo · 24/12/2023 00:06

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:36

It’s more his behaviour when he doesn’t smoke is snappy and irritable

Show quote history

For goodness sake, why are you even considering having children with this man?

brainworms · 24/12/2023 00:09

I agree with him.

If you want him to give up smoking, then follow suit and give up drinking. If this is going to be an issue between you, then you shouldn't be having kids together.

Icedlatteplease · 24/12/2023 00:11

No.

He has a relationship with weed that will always be his primary relationship.

It will not change if you don't drink at nye, it will not change if you move in, it will not change if you have children.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 24/12/2023 00:11

How old are you and how long have you been together? Do you rent or own where you live?

LaurieStrode · 24/12/2023 00:16

AuntMarch · 23/12/2023 23:28

Neither of you has a right to dictate to the other. And nobody quits anything because someone else tells them to.

You aren't compatible.

This.
Please don't kid yourself that you will (or should) change him. It's who he is. Do NOT have children with someone if you have these fundamental differences.

FWIW I think cannabis is far less damaging than alcohol, and I say that as one who has pilsner by her elbow this very minute.

But please, find someone compatible. Don't try to beat a square peg into a round hole and especially don't add kids to this toxic mix. Please.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2023 00:17

For fucks sake don't have children with him. That has disaster written all over it.

He's a stoner who relies on this drug to keep his mood stable. That's some shit you don't want to be tangled up in.

Also - please work on raising your self confidence so you don't feel the need to use alcohol to loosen up.

User1786 · 24/12/2023 00:22

Weeds illegal, alcohol is not. I’m not much of activist but have the odd one now and again. I hate weed, the smell is stomach turning. If my dp touched the stuff it would be over

StSwithinsDay · 24/12/2023 00:38

*@LaurieStrode
FWIW I think cannabis is far less damaging than alcohol, *

Do you? Do you think about the lives destroyed by drug dealers? Do you think about the parents who have to move out of their homes because of their children's drug debts? Do you think about children caught up in county lines drug dealing networks?

Panaa · 24/12/2023 00:58

He told me at the very beginning he probably wouldn’t smoke around me and that it wasn’t important to him.

This seems very naïve.
If someone does something when you meet them then you should assume that it's going to carry on, or often that the habit will get worse.

But we want kids soon, and I really think it’s in our best interests for him not to smoke weed with children. Likewise, I won’t be going out drinking with children. Maybe our compromise could be to give both up completely once we have children

Again this is naïve and pretty unrealistic.
I don't really drink but I would certainly reserve the right to drink in future and wouldn't be making any compromises like that. Also he could agree and then start smoking again anyway and then what?

You say you want kids soon but he'd need to be off the weed for a long time before you could consider him to be a non-smoker.

Panaa · 24/12/2023 01:00

StSwithinsDay · 23/12/2023 23:38

Nothing wrong with weed.

It's illegal in a lot of countries. There are gangs making millions from dealing weed. People are tortured and murdered for drug debts. But let's pretend it's all good.

I'm not a smoker but most people I know who smoke grow their own or get them from someone who grows their own and sells them a bit, no gangs or middle men etc

It's still illegal of course, but a lot of people aren't buying from massively unethical supply chains.

ChristmasSteps295 · 24/12/2023 01:01

I don't think there's anything wrong with either alcohol or cannabis in moderation.

But you're being pretty hypocritical to say you need one to relax but he's doing wrong to have something else to relax. And it's not up to either of you to dictate what the other one does.

Yeah you'll get all the people on here who think smoking weed is the same as jacking up to agree with you, but I suspect those people have perilously little life experience.

WandaWonder · 24/12/2023 01:04

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 23:24

He is a manipulative controlling loser. Thank goodness you're not living together.

Why is he controlling but not the op?

I think personally they are both as bad as each other but this double standard gets boring

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