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Original poster

Partner says if he can’t smoke weed NYE I cannot have a drink

204 replies

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:10

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 24/12/2023 09:50

Nothing wrong with weed.

Then why does the OP's partner act like an arse when he hasn't had any? And why have I seen many, many students go off the rails and become angry and paranoid or spaced-out and unengaged due to cannabis use?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 24/12/2023 09:52

Weed is illegal

Alcohol is not

Get rid of the criminal druggie

Enough said.

FigTreeInEurope · 24/12/2023 09:53

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/12/2023 09:06

The days of organised crime being significantly involved in cannabis production are long gone

You might want to give Europol that insight.

https://www.europol.europa.eu/media-press/newsroom/news/2023-eu-drug-markets-analysis-emcdda-and-europol

The cannabis trade in Europe involves a broad range of networks, comprising both EU and non-EU criminals. These networks are highly cooperative, particularly at the wholesale level, sharing resources, building partnerships and providing services from production to distribution.
Some criminal networks act as service providers to cannabis traffickers. Examples include networks that specialise in supplying boats to cannabis resin traffickers, while others provide aerial drones and helicopters. The methods used to smuggle cannabis have also diversified, highlighting how adaptable and opportunistic criminals can be. In addition to the traditional means of transportation, for example, unmanned semi-submersible vessels have recently been seized during investigations. This booming cannabis trade is not without its repercussions, being linked to violent clashes in several EU countries. Corruption related to the cannabis market also contributes to undermining the rule of law, security and governance.

I live in Italy, and I agree that on mainland Europe cannabis still attracts a criminal element. Its odd, as Southern Europe is perfect for personal outdoor cultivation. I think it has more to do with the criminals, than the cannabis. Its a cultural thing, and its changing fast. Here in italy, also france and spain, cannabis is decriminalised for personal use. Slowly, i see home based growing becoming popular, and its hardly viable for criminals to sell a decriminalised product. Change takes time. The UK is very different though, and a half hour parked outside your local grow shop will show you the diverse range of people, not to mention volume of people, growing their own. Its a multi billion dollar industry in the UK. I personally think this is why the gangs are giving up on pot. Too much competition from billy blonde-dreadlocks with a tent in his bedroom. Except billy blonde-dreadlocks is a million or more people from all walks of life, growing a bit at home, and selling a bit to their mates. It needs to be legalised, taxed, regulated and quality monitored.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 24/12/2023 09:56

I go to functions high all the time. It helps to keep me present and observant. It also helps me to cope with the drinkers after they've had one too many.

wudubelieveit · 24/12/2023 10:20

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 24/12/2023 09:56

I go to functions high all the time. It helps to keep me present and observant. It also helps me to cope with the drinkers after they've had one too many.

…and delusional obviously

whatsitcalledwhen · 24/12/2023 10:29

@emilycurtisxx

This. Right. Here. Is my main concern. He said it will be different cause he wants the kids?

And his word is enough to risk having a baby with an addict (which he is based on the way he acts when he hasn't had any) is it?

How unbelievably foolish, and selfish, it would be to have a child with him.

FigTreeInEurope · 24/12/2023 10:30

Wineisgreat · 24/12/2023 09:11

@FigTreeInEurope "gets snappy when he can't smoke" suggests this is not ocassional use. This is dependency - in the same way that if it were alcohol it would be alcoholism.

He clearly has a problem, but not necessarily with pot. Cannabis can be addictive. But it's not hard to find a man that gets snappy if denied sex, or money, or their own way. Some people get snappy when things don't go their way. I absolutely agree people become addicted to cannabis. It's a beautiful plant, that has really enjoyable effects, and if it were down to me, I'd be high as a kite from dusk till dawn. But I have a job, and a kid, and a busy life. I suspect the OPs partner will be the same, ganja or no ganja. Its about the person, not the pot, which is why thousands of people enjoy pot in moderation, with no issues.

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 24/12/2023 10:31

Velvian · 24/12/2023 08:11

The 'helping him relax' is a giant red flag too. I get the impression that involves denigrating yourself to 'serve' him sexually.

Right. I am fully on board to be supportive but it’s not on solely me to help him relax. I have ways to relax eg read a book go for a run I don’t put that on anybody else! But he looks at it as if I’ve taken that away from him then I can substitute it

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 24/12/2023 10:35

Op I can’t see any way this relationship is going to cope with kids. You prefer alcohol to be around his friends and family (which I think sounds worrying) and he needs weed to relax. If you add kids to the relationship, you’ll have his relatives over more often and the general stress of kids and it sounds like neither of you will cope.

HangingOver · 24/12/2023 10:48

The premise makes sense but I'd argue he needs to use it in a way that's comparable with occasional use... E.g use a vapourisor or eat it rather than smoking as the smell is antisocial and only use it of an evening when kicking back, not throughout the day when he needs to be 'on'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/12/2023 10:51

emilycurtisxx

re your earlier comment

"He told me at the very beginning he probably wouldn’t smoke around me and that it wasn’t important to him".

He lied on both counts. He also does not want your help or support because he does not want to quit.

I am wondering also how old you are; I would have guessed early 20s?.

You and he should no longer be together. Apart from anything else re him you've taken to drinking around him to relax you and otherwise cope with him and his friends/family. And do not ever have a child by him either.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 24/12/2023 10:54

wudubelieveit · 24/12/2023 10:20

…and delusional obviously

Show quote history

Why delusional?

Sausage1989 · 24/12/2023 10:56

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:10

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

I agree with him. Alcohol is the most deadly drug. Just because its socially acceptable and legal people forget about that. If you can drink then why can't be smoke weed? It literally makes no sense.

gooddayruby · 24/12/2023 10:58

They never ever ever ever quit. Even for children

Honeychickpea · 24/12/2023 10:58

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/12/2023 23:20

Do you not think you deserve better than a druggie? He has no intention of quitting. He's trying to make a no drinking rule for you so you won't want him to quit. Get rid and raise your bar a lot higher.

Perhaps he deserves better than someone who is dependent on the drug alcohol.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/12/2023 11:02

This is what the OP herself wrote

"he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home).

problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable".

OP is using alcohol here for all the wrong reasons but she fundamentally with Mr Wrong. He is an addict, she is not fully dependent on alcohol (as yet).

imho99 · 24/12/2023 11:03

I think you are being a hypocrite. Nothing wrong with weed imho.
That being said, I wouldn’t have kids with a stoner, he will probably never stop.

FigTreeInEurope · 24/12/2023 11:23

gooddayruby · 24/12/2023 10:58

They never ever ever ever quit. Even for children

Sorry, this is rubbish. I personally know a number of men who quit smoking cannabis when they had a child. Two of them were growers for a few years! They quit completely, forever, because they wanted to. I went from being a stoner in my twenties, to a very occasional ebidle consumer. And I proper liked my pot. I never ever smoke anything. Its been nine years since I smoked a joint. These generalisations are stupid.

whatsitcalledwhen · 24/12/2023 11:28

imho99 · 24/12/2023 11:03

I think you are being a hypocrite. Nothing wrong with weed imho.
That being said, I wouldn’t have kids with a stoner, he will probably never stop.

If there's 'nothing wrong' with it then why would you not have a relationship with a regular user?

Riches2Rags · 24/12/2023 11:33

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/12/2023 23:21

His sentiment is exactly right in my eyes - alcohol is far more harmful than weed.

Both are addictive. Your both addicted to them as you clearly can’t socialise without your crutches.

Either both quit or both let the other one enjoy a bit of what relaxes them!

Yeah except one is legal and one is illegal.

Ofcourseshecan · 24/12/2023 11:37

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/12/2023 23:29

Don't have kids with a druggie. The drugs will be his priority, you and your children will not.

This, 100 times over.

merryhouse · 24/12/2023 11:37

Look, just dump him. It's the easiest way.

booksandbrooks · 24/12/2023 11:40

For your own good, stop trying to control him.
Find someone you don't need to change to be happy with.

Riches2Rags · 24/12/2023 11:41

Listen to what you're hearing OP.

He needs an illegal drug to behave nicely.

He is saying he'll only give up his ILLEGAL habit if you give up something you enjoy that is LEGAL.

He won't give up but promises if you move in, then he will?

And he wants children with you.

Hmmm.

Ain't no way he's gonna walk away. Maybe for a few weeks or even months but never long enough to be there for kids, which by the way are delightful but the biggest stress ever!

ShakeNvacStevens · 24/12/2023 11:44

Bloody hell woman, raise your bar and dump this loser. How on earth do you think he is going to cope with the pressure and stress children will bring?