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Original poster

DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

216 replies

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 17:38

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

OP posts:
DixonD · 08/12/2023 18:13

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 18:05

I never told my husband until we had been together at least 6 months. The reason? I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he found out I had an incurable STI.

lets be honest, it would scare most people off.

my husband went on to start having outbreaks after 3 years of us being together.

And you think there's nothing wrong with this? It's really unethical. Of course people wouldn't want to catch an incurable disease- which isn't a hypothetical situation, for instance you've done it to your husband.

This - sorry; I’m just astounded you thought this was ok.

OP posts:
EstherGreenwood19 · 08/12/2023 18:16

You lost me at ‘loose’. What is this, 1952?

EarthSight · 08/12/2023 18:16

I second @CheekyHobson

And if you know you have genital herpes and don't tell your sexual partner, you are an absolute dickhead. It should up to THEM to make this choice for their own health, not up to you to make it for them!

Iwasafool · 08/12/2023 18:16

CheekyHobson · 08/12/2023 18:08

I never told him because herpes is a misunderstood virus.

people hear it and think oh no, no way do I want that etc when actually 80% of the population already has it, yet most don’t have outbreaks.

Ugh, I hate when people who lie about their herpes make up bollocks like this.

The prevalence of HSV2, which usually causes genital herpes is about 13 percent and the prevalence of HSV1 which usually causes cold sores is 67 percent.

My ex had genital herpes and hid it from me for some time. Like you, OP, I stayed with him because I felt I had already been exposed, but TBH I never really got over it.

Aside from the fact that he obviously felt he had the right to control information that he knew full well might change my mind about pursuing the relationship (like @AHelpfulHand did), it made my pregnancies so much more stressful wondering whether I was going to get a first outbreak shortly before birth, which could have put my babies at risk.

I never had an outbreak, so perhaps didn't acquire it (HVS1, which I have - and told him about - can confer some immunity, so can certain genes, one of which I know I have) but over time that became more of an issue, as I really didn't want it. I have a friend who has it and it's been horrible for her. Some people get it mildly and others get it awfully.

Turns out genital herpes was just one of a number of things that my DH felt I didn't need to know about because it might adversely affect my willingness to stay in a relationship with him. These days I would see failure to disclose as a major red flag of controlling tendencies.

Genital herpes can be HSV1 or 2.

Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:17

Iwasafool · 08/12/2023 18:12

Take responsibility for yourself. Did you ask her before you had sex? Did you both get checked out? Did you wear a condom (not 100% but does give some protection.) Were you a virgin when you got together or were you a "bit loose?"

Show quote history

Yes, we shared recent test results before even our first date (unfortunately it was just the usual basic HIV/gonorrhoea /chlamydia stuff)
May I add, I think the fact that I made a point of sharing STD status, it should have prompted even more to disclose this.

OP posts:
Megifer · 08/12/2023 18:18

"For all you know op you could be a carrierWell if that's you attitude@Megiferthen what would be the point of testing for any STD?? After all, if anyone could be a carrier, I guess you wouldn't mind having unprotected sex with someone seeing as you yourself could be carrying the same thing as they are. Daft thing to say"

Why is saying a very factual "for all you know you could be a carrier"? Daft? It's literally true?

and well, yea, at some point I did have unprotected sex with someone who was a carrier, that's how I got it.

Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:18

EstherGreenwood19 · 08/12/2023 18:16

You lost me at ‘loose’. What is this, 1952?

If you read the thread, I have already clarified this terminology, we do not have to agree on this but of course, I lost you already regarding the actual point. Good day Esther

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 08/12/2023 18:20

Genital herpes can be HSV1 or 2.

@Iwasafool Yes, that's why I said 'usually causes' in both cases.

sprigatito · 08/12/2023 18:20

AHelpfulHand · 08/12/2023 17:58

I never told him because herpes is a misunderstood virus.

people hear it and think oh no, no way do I want that etc when actually 80% of the population already has it, yet most don’t have outbreaks.

so you could already have it but not know about it.

also would you be upset if someone kissed you but didn’t tell you they have the cold sore virus?

its the same thing but in a different place on the body.

Are you saying you had sex with him without telling him you had genital herpes? Because that's appalling no matter how you slice it 😳

Iwasafool · 08/12/2023 18:22

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:17

Yes, we shared recent test results before even our first date (unfortunately it was just the usual basic HIV/gonorrhoea /chlamydia stuff)
May I add, I think the fact that I made a point of sharing STD status, it should have prompted even more to disclose this.

Show quote history

So you were no virgin then. Were you loose? Any of your exs likely to be laughing at your partner for settling with you?

Riverstep · 08/12/2023 18:25

I don’t blame you. Disclosing a sexually transmitted disease for which there is no cure is an absolute must. I can’t believe that anyone would even consider having sex with someone without telling them. Id be shocked and horrified if this happened to me and would not trust that person again. How your partner acquired it in the first place is , of course her business.

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 18:25

Loose isn't necessarily about vaginas, for instance someone who is promiscuous can in old fashioned parlance be described as having 'loose morals' i.e. their morals are lax. This can in theory be used to refer to both men and women.

ButterflyOil · 08/12/2023 18:28

I’ve had two people disclose to me pre-sex. The first had herpes and the second had HPV. I considered both and chose not to sleep with the first person because frankly I didn’t like him enough to risk what sounds like a potentially very painful and lifelong condition, ( maybe someone else I would)

The second I decided to sleep with him because I liked him enough to take the risk and didn’t feel the potential impact on my life if I got HPV too (genital warts kind) would be too much compared to wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I didn’t judge either, it can happen to anyone, but I am very grateful they gave me the choice about what I was willing to risk in terms of my sexual health.

Sorry but anyone who takes away that choice is completely selfish. If you like someone and care about them you should be honest. Can’t believe the posters on here hiding this sort of thing from partners or exposing them to things without giving them a heads up. Completely disrespectful.

As it happens, as far as I know, I never got HPV from my ex. But you best believe I will test and disclose the previous situation to anyone new.

OP I don’t approve of the language but the lying she did to you would be enough for me to end things.

Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:32

Opentooffers · 08/12/2023 18:03

You're scared to be seen out with her in case one of her past flings recognises her and laughs at the 'one who settled for her' !!!- right, well, that's in your head and clearly you do have double standards and have massively devalued her in your mind. What of the guy doing the recognising? I think you'll find that he behaved no differently, yet you care about his perceived opinion? And no, just because she is trying to placate you by saying she understands, it still remains a very silly attitude to have, you are not off the hook.
Overall it looks like there's bad on both sides, yes she should of told you, but it's looking more like her promiscuous past is what's bothering you now, given that you actively avoid places (ludicrous, you should be dumped for that alone). She's probably settling for you rather than the other way around. She's also been very unwise to tell an insecure BF details about her past, so that he can use it against her.

Double standards? how have you concluded this is a double standard? If we understand the term with its actual definition? I do care for clarity here

If you note, I pointed out that this part, she understands my point which means she knows her own history and why one is to feel a bit on edge. Of course, her promiscuous past is bothering me to a degree, yes, we all say it's non of our business blah blah but the reality is different because in most cases (no Retroactive jealousy in my case), It's more so the fact that she would knowingly sleep with married men over and over again in the town we live in, and still does not understand why this is a tad bit wrong and brings her morals into question regarding "respect for marriage". Surely if you know your partner is known around town for such things, I doubt you would get serious with them.

If you think she is "settling" for me just because of this small post, you are either delusional,just missing the point or love the idea of your irrational opinions read out by others. I support her needs 100%(roof/food/bills etc. ) if that says she is settling or the other way around, then take it as that.

OP posts:
BoobyDazzler · 08/12/2023 18:34

Most people have the herpes virus (herpes simplex virus) and most people have, or have had, the wart virus (human papilloma virus HPV)

It is HPV that is identified during smear tests, not HSV.

Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:35

Iwasafool · 08/12/2023 18:22

So you were no virgin then. Were you loose? Any of your exs likely to be laughing at your partner for settling with you?

Show quote history

I have male friends who are loose/ promiscuous.

you hung onto the term and I understand that it may seem weird to some but this is not used just because she is a woman.

Why would I care for my partners to know about my current life? I bet they do not care in the same way I do not care for theirs because we are adults and move on in life. hmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:36

BoobyDazzler · 08/12/2023 18:34

Most people have the herpes virus (herpes simplex virus) and most people have, or have had, the wart virus (human papilloma virus HPV)

It is HPV that is identified during smear tests, not HSV.

Edited

Yep

OP posts:
Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:38

ButterflyOil · 08/12/2023 18:28

I’ve had two people disclose to me pre-sex. The first had herpes and the second had HPV. I considered both and chose not to sleep with the first person because frankly I didn’t like him enough to risk what sounds like a potentially very painful and lifelong condition, ( maybe someone else I would)

The second I decided to sleep with him because I liked him enough to take the risk and didn’t feel the potential impact on my life if I got HPV too (genital warts kind) would be too much compared to wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I didn’t judge either, it can happen to anyone, but I am very grateful they gave me the choice about what I was willing to risk in terms of my sexual health.

Sorry but anyone who takes away that choice is completely selfish. If you like someone and care about them you should be honest. Can’t believe the posters on here hiding this sort of thing from partners or exposing them to things without giving them a heads up. Completely disrespectful.

As it happens, as far as I know, I never got HPV from my ex. But you best believe I will test and disclose the previous situation to anyone new.

OP I don’t approve of the language but the lying she did to you would be enough for me to end things.

You get it!! It's about giving someone a choice, not sure why some people are not finding this point to be the right way.

The same people would hate it if they were in the situation and caught something.

a good read for some out there : https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/intentional-or-reckless-sexual-transmission-infection

Intentional or Reckless Sexual Transmission of Infection | The Crown Prosecution Service

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/intentional-or-reckless-sexual-transmission-infection

OP posts:
Original poster
FPCculture · 08/12/2023 18:39

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2023 18:01

Don't be with someone you don't respect.
It's not fair on them.

They deserve better.

She was wrong to lie, 100%. It was a shitty and reckless thing for her to do.

But you can either accept that she did that, and move on with her or you can't accept it and you can't stay.

If you are so judgemental about her sex life before you and view her so nastily then you are keeping a big a secret from her too.

She needs to know that you view her with contempt as much as you needed to know she had herpes

Which unless she's the only woman you ever slept with, you may already have been exposed to btw.

Something close to 70% of the global population have herpes 1 and/or 2. Nearly a quarter of the UK population has genital herpes.

sensible response, I respect these points and will consider ASAP. thank you

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 08/12/2023 18:39

I never told my husband until we had been together at least 6 months. The reason? I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he found out I had an incurable STI

Disgusting behaviour. It’s not up to you to make health choices for other people. You could have explained the truth and given information about herpes to correct any misunderstandings, but you knew he wouldn’t want to be with you so purposely deprived him of the truth, only telling him when it was ‘too late’.

BoobyDazzler · 08/12/2023 18:41

So are you taking about warts or herpes? Acyclovir is for herpes.

You could have both, or neither. Maybe you gave her the warts and are just busily blaming her because ya know, she’s a woman and you clearly blame your religion for believing woman are beneath you.

Megifer · 08/12/2023 18:44

BoobyDazzler · 08/12/2023 18:34

Most people have the herpes virus (herpes simplex virus) and most people have, or have had, the wart virus (human papilloma virus HPV)

It is HPV that is identified during smear tests, not HSV.

Edited

Just realised I'm confused with HPV and herpes 🙄

Yea, weird op, how did the smear test detect herpes? That's not checked on a smear test?? Or did she lie about it being a smear test?

JemimaTiggywinkles · 08/12/2023 18:46

OP the way you speak about your partner is truly shocking. You should leave her to find someone who loves and respects her.

Panaa · 08/12/2023 18:46

She was wrong not to disclose in the first place.

However you chose to stay and you don't get to beat her up for that forever more. It was very early on in the relationship so you should have cut your losses at the time.

And by 'beat her up over it' I don't just mean say anything to her about it, even thinking the kind of thing you think about her is awful. I'd be completely disgusted and turned off a partner if they thought they held an opinion of me like you hold of your partner and I would feel disgusting knowing we had sex while he held those views.

There's no way you're going to get over this attitude towards her any time soon so you should end the relationship.

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