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Original poster

How to tell any new partners that I have herpes?

38 replies

GiveMeYourBestAdvice · 07/04/2023 13:28

My ex gave me genital herpes, which means that I now have it for life...

Obviously I have to disclose this to any new partners, but how? It's a bit of an awkward conversation! I'm no good with jokes etc., so wouldn't be able to do it in a funny way!

OP posts:
BisonGrassVodka · 07/04/2023 13:41

Be open from the off, someone I met and had a relationship with didn't tell me for 3 months, I immediately went and got tested and luckily I was clear. Had she told me before hand I would have been less shocked and reactive.

She was my first relationship since splitting from my former partner, so was a little cautious, sadly and regretfully, I have to admit I over reacted and ended it.

floodypuddle · 07/04/2023 13:45

Yet to have this discussion myself, it's really putting me off dating.

Can't do what my ex did which was not tell me, then claim it must have been dormant, then i find out that he actually did already know from his sister...

OhMyCherriePie · 07/04/2023 14:17

There would be no ‘funny’ way to do it

Original poster
GiveMeYourBestAdvice · 07/04/2023 14:20

By "funny", I mean delivering the news with some sort of punchline, something that i definitely can't do, but many others can!

OP posts:
tiagra · 07/04/2023 14:24

Say it with chocolates ... buy some Cadbury's Heroes and change the O to P

EarthSight · 07/04/2023 14:28

BisonGrassVodka · 07/04/2023 13:41

Be open from the off, someone I met and had a relationship with didn't tell me for 3 months, I immediately went and got tested and luckily I was clear. Had she told me before hand I would have been less shocked and reactive.

She was my first relationship since splitting from my former partner, so was a little cautious, sadly and regretfully, I have to admit I over reacted and ended it.

You didn't overreact. I would be seriously pissed off too.

Original poster
GiveMeYourBestAdvice · 07/04/2023 15:24

tiagra · 07/04/2023 14:24

Say it with chocolates ... buy some Cadbury's Heroes and change the O to P

Hahahaha!

You win the thread, and in fact the whole internet, today!

Grin
OP posts:
ClaudiaCustard · 07/04/2023 15:33

Downplay it then. You need to be upfront but you don't need to be dramatic

I take it it's dormant right now? Just mention it before you get to the sec stage but no need to mention it on date 2 over coffee. It's personal info that they may not need to know

However if sex and a relationship is on the cards I'd just say 'btw, my ex gave me herpes. It's mainly dormant but I can have flare ups and when that happens, I avoid having sex'

And then just leave it there and leave him to ask questions

Just don't over think it. If he's right for you, he will want to know more and he'll accept it. If he's not right for you, he won't, and it's best to know that pretty early doors

faffadoodledo · 07/04/2023 15:42

Fact is you're at risk from any new partner and in a way your prospective partner is less at risk because you know you have herpes and therefore are aware of risks. You could 'sell' it like this. You know that if you get a 'tingle' you're more likely to pass it on. You can also take anti virals to protect your partner.

Get yourself onto the Herpes Assoc (?) website, which is beautifully straightforward and sensible. It will explain that genital herpes is simply lip herpes on your genitals. How many people who get cold sores tell their prospective partners? I'll tell you: none.

faffadoodledo · 07/04/2023 15:44

You really don't need to be dramatic about it. My DH gets cold sores which he could have easily passed on to me by kissing or oral sex (leading to 'genital' herpes). In over 30 years he hasn't. He didn't tell me when we met that he got cold sores - or herpes

azafata2 · 07/04/2023 15:54

Hi

I would advise you to have a look at the Herpes Viruses Association. Google them online. They have loads of information around telling a partner. It is a cold sore no matter where it is. It does not define you physically or morally remember that. Your self esteem should not be impacted in the slightest by this.

If he is right for you then he likes you for you.

Wishing you well.

azafata2 · 07/04/2023 15:54

Also to add. You do not "have it" all the time.

faffadoodledo · 07/04/2023 17:53

Thought I'd post the link

herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/herpes-simplex-virus/

Because the site is so brilliant. Basically if you have HSV1 you have something g in common with 6/10 of the general population. Whether it's on your lips or genitals.

Festivalmitch · 07/04/2023 17:57

I told my partner right at the start. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’d be mortified if I ever accidentally passed it on

CC4712 · 07/04/2023 18:07

I'd just be honest, provide facts/risks and the fact you haven't had a flair up in X mths/years.

I really not sure why anyone would want to give that info in a funny way or as a joke! Were you hoping to read out a funny poem about it! Did the GP tell you your diagnosis in a joke/funny way??? 🙄

dabduba · 07/04/2023 19:46

I just want to share my positive experiences of telling men when dating as I too was worried about how to raise the issue, when, what to say, anticipating a negative response each time. I have raised it when I have known them for a while, when I felt that getting intimate was on the cards. None of the men I have told have reacted negatively. They have all said they admired my honesty, they appreciated me telling them and that it was not a big deal to them. Hope it goes well for you.

MummyDearest3 · 07/04/2023 20:02

Just tell them. If they're interested they will do their own research and ask any questions. You don't need to downplay it, you don't need to provide them with facts, in fact I wouldn't believe you and I would do my own research. You don't need to tell them the sad story of getting it from your ex it's irrelevant.

Put it on your profile that you have herpes and if you don't want to then you should tell them before the first date.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 07/04/2023 20:31

faffadoodledo · 07/04/2023 15:44

You really don't need to be dramatic about it. My DH gets cold sores which he could have easily passed on to me by kissing or oral sex (leading to 'genital' herpes). In over 30 years he hasn't. He didn't tell me when we met that he got cold sores - or herpes

Yes, but you can see a coldsore very clearly on his face, so I'd be concerned if you didn't notice that 🤨

Abcdefgh1234 · 07/04/2023 21:42

I got herpes. From years ago. I told all my boyfriend before we dating. Usually on 3 or 4th dates. I told my husband when we are dating. I just told him “i got herpes, but its dormant now and i have this from ages ago so i know how to control it. I took medicine for it aswell, so you wont get it aswell if we have sex. I just want to ket you know before we take this far”.

just like that. All of them seems ok by it. Not even one my relationship ended because of my herpes.

now i’m married for 10 years, my husband doesn’t have herpes. Its treatable. As long as you dont have sex when your herpes flare up.

faffadoodledo · 07/04/2023 22:33

@itsthefinalcountdown1 I'm just trying to make the point that the two things are exactly the same. No one gets their knickers in a twist about dating someone with a cold sore. Same virus. And in fact it's at its most infectious just before it's visible, so the argument that 'yeah but you can see it on a face' isn't very valid.
I'm not advocating not telling; just trying to extract some stigma.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/04/2023 08:09

My friends husband has herpes and he has never passed it onto her in 25 years !
its really stigmatised and unfairly so

id keeo it simple and don’t buy into the shame and drama around this topic

Original poster
GiveMeYourBestAdvice · 08/04/2023 12:01

I agree that the virus doesn't deserve the stigma that it has.

That said, anyone with it absolutely must tell any potential sexual partners about it BEFORE they hit the bedroom stage. Nobody gets to make decisions about somebody else's sexual health on their behalf.

OP posts:
faffadoodledo · 08/04/2023 13:26

My question remains though - would anyone angst about telling a potential partner they got cold sores? Given they are the same virus and are interchangeable beteeen lips and genitals. And can spread before becoming visible.
I would hazard it wouldn't occur to most people

Anotherparkingthread · 08/04/2023 14:15

Herpes simplex 1 is coldsores herpes simplex 2 is genital herpes. They are not the same thing, that is such misinformation. However you can get herpes simplex one on your genitals.

People need to be wary of parroting that genital herpes and coldsores are the same, especially in the context of informing a partner who may have no knowledge of these things. Dangerously ill-informed at best, minimising and deliberately downplaying at worst.

faffadoodledo · 08/04/2023 15:40

You're dead right @Anotherparkingthread
To that extent it's quite useful to know which one you have.

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