DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

[FPCculture]

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

A friend of mine came out of a 6 year relationship and then caught both herpes and gonorrhoea from the first bloke she dated after, despite using protection. She's neither loose or promiscuous, so I find your judgement distasteful.

You didn't read what I said fully but if giving your opinion matters so much no matter how silly, kudos 👍

Believe me ,I didn't come to that statement because of two or 5 encounters. I found out a lot over time that makes me come to that conclusion but that's fine ,I have had enough opinions to make me decide to just move on.

Move on from the thread or your relationship?
Do you actually now have herpes or not?

I wasn't kissed on the lips, kissed on the cheek but there must have been a scratch or something because the virus got in. Just think the same might have happened to you and you've been carrying the virus all these years but lucky enough to not get outbreaks.

OMG you might have passed it on to them!

@Extrasprinklesplz please provide evidence that people have gone to jail for giving others herpes.

People have gone to jail for knowingly spreading OTHER STIs but no one has ever gone to jail for giving anyone else herpes, knowingly or not. The advice from STI clinics is that herpes does not have to be disclosed as it is so common.

The repeated confidence to be so utterly wrong is staggering.

You get cold sores on your cheek ?

They are pesky little things and can appear pretty well anywhere on the face. I got my first outbreak on my cheek as that was where I was kissed. For years I tended to get them on the corners of my mouth but they would spread out a bit Currently their favourite spot is on my nose, up my nose and basically where you'd have a moustache. When the virus is dormant it hides in the trigeminal ganglia and then moves out along any of the nerve pathways.

It might shock you to know that genital herpes doesn't always appear on the genitals. Basically it can appear anywhere in the boxer shorts area. Different nerve pathway but I only get the oral variety so I don't know the nerve for genital.

Not sure how you'd prove it anyway. If you have the blood test and it shows you have HSV1 or HSV2 it just shows you have it, no indication of where so you could have it on the face, the genitals or even a herpetic whitlow.

@Iwasafool according to some on here the proper proof would be a giant bell around the neck and shouts of ‘unclean’.

People isolate and in some cases have killed themselves because of the attitude and ignorance on display on this thread for what is fundamentally a skin infection.
An annoying, sometimes painful but treatable skin infection.

The people who should feel shamed and stigmatised are the ones who perpetuate the ignorance and fear.

You're right. Crazy isn't it. Didn't seem to be an issue 50 years ago. I wonder if a marketing exercise had something to do with it.

@FPCculture I haven't read the whole thread, but I am pro disclosure, regardless of this placing the burden on the small number of carriers who are aware they carry HSV1 or HSV2, either genitally, or facially.

But I just wanted to say, if it hasn't already been said, that with the HSV case mentioned in the CPS guidelines, David Golding, pleaded guilty to genital HSV transmission. The case didn't go to trial, but if it had, for various reasons that the Herpes Viruses Association outlined in a press release at the time, he wouldn't have been found guilty.

It is very unlikely another HSV case will reach court trial. It never would have got to the CPS had Golding infected someone genitally with a facial HSV infection (cold sores).

Because the CPS appear only to be interested in genital to genital infections, despite circa 70% of new genital infections being caused by HSV1 now (i.e. facial infections transmitted through oral sex).

If the NHS wants to cut transmission then we need more education on HSV (and probably to atop using 'cold sores' as terminology.

Genital herpes is transmitted by skin to skin contact. Which means condoms don't offer protection and a person can get it even if they have 'protected' sex.

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

I slept with a lot of men in my early 20s. I met dh when I was 23 and we have been happily married for nearly 25 years. No cheating. So I really don’t think the previous “promiscuity” is an issue. The lying however is. Saying that I don’t know enough about herpes to really know how much of an issue it was……did she always know when she was having a flare up and just avoid sex therefore not putting you at risk? Is that enough of a safety net, or at least did she think it was? Still not great as she should have told you everything but maybe some mitigation?

and I agree you seem misogynistic about her past.

Out of all things that never happened, this one never happened the most.

Yeah sure, she runs into wivef of one night stands and every person recognises her somehow as 'oh yeah I fuckign know you, you are that one woman who slept with my husband that I didnt even know 4 tears ago".