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Original poster

DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

216 replies

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 17:38

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

OP posts:
wjpa · 08/12/2023 21:12

From a random online dictionary btw

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 21:16

CheekyHobson · 08/12/2023 18:08

I never told him because herpes is a misunderstood virus.

people hear it and think oh no, no way do I want that etc when actually 80% of the population already has it, yet most don’t have outbreaks.

Ugh, I hate when people who lie about their herpes make up bollocks like this.

The prevalence of HSV2, which usually causes genital herpes is about 13 percent and the prevalence of HSV1 which usually causes cold sores is 67 percent.

My ex had genital herpes and hid it from me for some time. Like you, OP, I stayed with him because I felt I had already been exposed, but TBH I never really got over it.

Aside from the fact that he obviously felt he had the right to control information that he knew full well might change my mind about pursuing the relationship (like @AHelpfulHand did), it made my pregnancies so much more stressful wondering whether I was going to get a first outbreak shortly before birth, which could have put my babies at risk.

I never had an outbreak, so perhaps didn't acquire it (HVS1, which I have - and told him about - can confer some immunity, so can certain genes, one of which I know I have) but over time that became more of an issue, as I really didn't want it. I have a friend who has it and it's been horrible for her. Some people get it mildly and others get it awfully.

Turns out genital herpes was just one of a number of things that my DH felt I didn't need to know about because it might adversely affect my willingness to stay in a relationship with him. These days I would see failure to disclose as a major red flag of controlling tendencies.

So that adds up to 80% - most people have one and therefore are unlikely to contract the other

Milliemoos5 · 08/12/2023 21:16

Totally agree with this. Many people would not consent to having sex with someone who knowingly had an incurable STI, therefore they are not having sex with informed consent which I also think should therefore be classed as some kind of sexual assault

BoobyDazzler · 08/12/2023 21:23

“Herpes is disgusting.… All STIs are.”

Herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, HIV etc, are no more disgusting than Flu, Chicken Pox, or Covid 19. No one wants them, sure, but catching them doesn’t make a person disgusting, “loose” or in any way less. A person shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of catching a virus - we’ve all had them. The thought that catching a virus through having sex with a person is awful while catching a virus through hugging someone is not is utterly fucked up.

FatFatMary · 08/12/2023 21:24

How could it be known that 80% of people have herpes if most people are asymptomatic ?

flowerchild2000 · 08/12/2023 21:27

I wouldn't stay with someone who had no regard for my health.

The rest of what you wrote is fucking misogynistic and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking this way, much less talking about a woman that way.

CheekyHobson · 08/12/2023 21:34

So that adds up to 80% - most people have one and therefore are unlikely to contract the other

The earlier poster was equivocating both forms and let’s be honest, for most people, they are very much not the same.

Oral herpes (usually HSV1)) is usually picked up in childhood and is quite mild. Of the reports I’ve had from people about genital herpes (usually HSV2), it’s far worse.

HSV1 is also no guarantee of protection against 2 so there is probably some overlap. But the main point is that you can’t equate both forms, no matter how comforting that might be for people with genital herpes.

Over40Overdating · 08/12/2023 21:36

Herpes is the least of your worries @FPCculture.

Your girlfriend was very wrong not to tell you for both your sakes : you for the risk of infection and her because she’d have been rid of someone who wants to use shame to manipulate and punish her because of their own backward views.

And I don’t care if you use the phrase loose in a gender neutral way, you still sound like a judgemental, nasty little man who has no business being in a sexual relationship with a woman given your attitude to women with a sexual history you find displeasing.

I hate to break it to you, but if anyone is laughing at you it’s down to your own behaviour, not your girlfriends.

You’re right though, she is very much settling for you because you’ve likely ground her confidence down with your shaming and repeated discussion of her sexual history.

willowtalk · 08/12/2023 21:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 21:16

So that adds up to 80% - most people have one and therefore are unlikely to contract the other

Show quote history

I’m afraid that is not how percentages work…

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 21:43

Milliemoos5 · 08/12/2023 21:16

Totally agree with this. Many people would not consent to having sex with someone who knowingly had an incurable STI, therefore they are not having sex with informed consent which I also think should therefore be classed as some kind of sexual assault

Im not sure if you’re replying in response to what I wrote so I’ll reply just in case you are. I never once said that it was morally right, or that it shouldn’t be a legal requirement to disclose it. I just said that it’s not deemed sexual assault legally at this current moment in time and it is wrong to label someone as a sexual abuser when they’re not.

FatFatMary · 08/12/2023 21:44

I don’t think it’s sexual assault but grevious bodily harm

Josette77 · 08/12/2023 21:54

I'm horrified that people lie about this.

What if it was HIV? Would it be ok to lie about that too?

fulawitt · 08/12/2023 21:56

Mr promiscuous she was wrong. And so are you.
If you were a virgin when you met her you acted rashly : you undressed before knowing her health life and her values, also you did not respect your "own" values. If you were a collector, shit happens when you do not put certain rules in place.
And it cost you a lot. It's been 2 years. 24 months 600 plus days. What have you been up to ? What did you do to make sure that you were going in the same direction ? You took a fruit that does not belong to you (you are not wedded) and now you are calling the tree rotten. You are talking about what others think and the values of others, but do you have clarity? End it now. But be careful to be gracious, because the wickedness of this person might not equal yours. Regardless, I am absolutely sorry for your predicament OP.

Pudmyboy · 08/12/2023 21:58

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 18:05

I never told my husband until we had been together at least 6 months. The reason? I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he found out I had an incurable STI.

lets be honest, it would scare most people off.

my husband went on to start having outbreaks after 3 years of us being together.

And you think there's nothing wrong with this? It's really unethical. Of course people wouldn't want to catch an incurable disease- which isn't a hypothetical situation, for instance you've done it to your husband.

'incurable disease '! ? This is why people don't disclose!
Have you had chicken pox? Then you carry that, as an 'incurable disease ' that could resurface as shingles (herpes zoster) which is highly infectious as well as painful.
Most herpes outbreaks last maximum of 5days from start to finish, the primary outbreak is usually the worst it will ever be.
Please look at herpes.org.uk for common sense advice on hsv.

PinkArt · 08/12/2023 22:02

Fucking hell! Yes she should have told you but the way you talk about her is utterly revolting. 'Loose', FFS. 'Promiscuous'. Someone you 'settled' for.
On the off chance it's just this woman you hate and not all women - like the misogyny dripping off your words suggests - then let her go and find someone who isn't judging the fuck out of her.

Pudmyboy · 08/12/2023 22:05

Josette77 · 08/12/2023 21:54

I'm horrified that people lie about this.

What if it was HIV? Would it be ok to lie about that too?

This, I think, goes to the root of the problem.
HSV has been around for who knows how long and was not an issue until aciclovir was developed and big pharma needed a market for it so suddenly HSV was this incurable disease for life and fearmongering became rife.
HIV is a new illness which was deadly, and still is if not treated.
Now people with HIV can live a normal life and do not need to disclose it if they have been on treatment for more than 6months and have sustained an undetectable viral load.
Look up U=U

DSDaisy · 08/12/2023 22:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

MsCactus · 08/12/2023 22:16

CheekyHobson · 08/12/2023 21:34

So that adds up to 80% - most people have one and therefore are unlikely to contract the other

The earlier poster was equivocating both forms and let’s be honest, for most people, they are very much not the same.

Oral herpes (usually HSV1)) is usually picked up in childhood and is quite mild. Of the reports I’ve had from people about genital herpes (usually HSV2), it’s far worse.

HSV1 is also no guarantee of protection against 2 so there is probably some overlap. But the main point is that you can’t equate both forms, no matter how comforting that might be for people with genital herpes.

I was going to say this - a friend of mine got genial herpes and it seemed like she was in agony. Having salt baths and weeks of painkillers. A really horrible virus from what I can see.

I got my first cold sore recently and it was just like having a tiny little spot on the corner of my lip for a few days. Not painful at all.

They seem quite different to me and to equate the two seems odd. I don't mind getting cold sores, I'd be really upset to get genital herpes.

Genital herpes can also affect pregnancies, kill newborns if they catch it and can mean you need a C-section if you have an outbreak at the end of pregnancy.

They're quite different IMO.

Pudmyboy · 08/12/2023 22:26

willowtalk · 08/12/2023 20:25

She was wrong. Go and look up some stats and educate yourself - they’re widely available online.

I can understand why, if you have genital herpes, you’d want to believe the first person that came along and told you it was a common virus (which is what you literally did) - but it’s not.

Seriously make an effort - it takes two seconds to check your facts.

Instead you’ve taken a laissez-faire and nonchalant attitude and written off your serious infection.

You have HSV 2.. not HSV 1

Show quote history

From herpes.org.uk:
How common is herpes simplex?Herpes simplex is very common. By age 25, about six out of ten people in the UK carry type 1 and about one in ten carries type 2, more in the sexually active population. If this surprises you, it is because most people who have it don’t know that they do.
(My bold)
So the Nuffield site also needs to check it's facts.
For the best source material see
BASHH (British Association of Sexual health and HIV) site whose work informs pretty much every other organisation Inc gynae, GPs ect, ( but not fearmongers who follow big pharma's approach, and they just want the world to be on unnecessary medication)

Siha345 · 08/12/2023 22:28

I had an ex boyfriend who found out he had it after we had been dating for a few months. I think if you don’t use protection the chance of catching it is 10-20% per year but we were very careful. It seemed very painful and he was very keen on not giving it to me because he didn’t want to cause me pain, which I think is a normal caring response. Yes, it will put people off having sex with you if you have and yes, that is tough luck. People can try to downplay it but no one wants anything incurable and as PP said, it can be dangerous during pregnancy

OP I would find it hard to get over her omission unless she’d been very very careful with protection. However, the way you talk about her is not respectful at all and it’s horrible that you don’t want to be seen with her. I would part ways for the good of both of you

Tomatoketchupred · 08/12/2023 22:36

GrumpyPanda · 08/12/2023 17:43

You're being massively misogynist about her sexual past and if I were her I'd run screaming. Unacceptable and very unattractive. Also, genital herpes is not a signifier of promiscuity, many many people have it. That said, not ok she didn't disclose - maybe she's come across too many people with your attitude.

Yep well said

Wednesdayweekday · 08/12/2023 22:40

@CheekyHobson @MsCactus talking from what experience?

I know of many people with genital herpes who have only EVER had one outbreak. Yet cold sores come up all over people’s face’s regularly.

If I have a GH outbreak, I rarely even get a pimple, just sensitive skin for a couple of days. If I get any blister at all it is absolutely tiny and I don’t notice it unless I touch it.

DP has oral herpes and gets huge, nasty sores on his lips that will hurt every time he moves his mouth. And you can’t really avoid moving you mouth to breath, eat, drink, talk etc.

Ultimately, oral herpes is socially acceptable because you can’t hide your whopping cold sores on your face. Genital has stigma because people are big prudes about sex. It’s the same virus, it’s the same symptoms. One isn’t necessarily “worse” than the other, yet people with oral herpes don’t see a need to disclose.

FWIW I always disclose to new partners (THEN I find out they have HSV-1 which no doubt wouldn’t have been mentioned and they’ve probably already kissed me by then 🤣 talk about double standards)

The pregnancy issues are only a problem if you contract it for the first time while pregnant and haven’t yet built up antibodies. So unlikely unless you’re sleeping around while pregnant.

Milliemoos5 · 08/12/2023 22:41

No I wasn’t replying to you

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 22:41

'incurable disease

@Pudmyboy It is an incurable disease (also, I was quoting another poster who said that.) If someone is symptomatic then their symptoms can recur- or if not then the symptoms can emerge.

We can't cure it- that's what incurable means. Saying herpes can't be cured isn't controversial. There is objectively no cure for it.

It's like a lot of illnesses; we can only treat the symptoms when/if they arise. This really isn't a debatable point at all. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/#:~:text=There's%20no%20cure%20for%20genital,sexual%20health%20clinic%20can%20help.

nhs.uk

Genital herpes

Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV) type 1 or type 2. It causes painful blisters to appear on the genitals and the surrounding areas.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes#:~:text=There's%20no%20cure%20for%20genital,sexual%20health%20clinic%20can%20help

Pudmyboy · 08/12/2023 22:41

Genital herpes can also affect pregnancies, kill newborns if they catch it and can mean you need a C-section if you have an outbreak at the end of pregnancy.
@MsCactus if a woman already has HSV or has it early in pregnancy then some protection will be passed to the fetus.
You are right about the danger to neonates if there has been no protection passed on in utero, that is because neonates have no immunity to anything and a big risk is relatives with an oral cold sore kissing the baby.
Primary outbreaks around delivery may (or may not) lead to C-section delivery.
Usually if a woman is known to have HSV she will be given suppressive treatment in the last trimester, but this is more about making the delivery more comfortable.
See BASHH guidance on management of HSV in pregnancy