DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

[FPCculture]

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

Of course, her promiscuous past is bothering me to a degree,

Not everyone would agree with that statements.
And many people would have no issue with meeting with their current partner exes.
There is no ‘of course’

As for ‘sleeping with married men’, if you think she has morals that are so different than you, why are you still with her? Why did you even go out with her in the first place?

Seriously, people can change but you were hoping fir a massive change there.
And building a relationship on the hope your partner will change us a recipe fir disaster.

So if you bet your ex partners don’t care about your current life and you don’t care for theirs because your adults and move on in life why can’t you apply that to your current partner and her exs? Why do you think your exs don’t care but hers at probably laughing at you? The vibes you’re giving out are double standards and jealousy. She was very wrong to lie to you absolutely she should of told you the truth before any sex however you found out the truth and stayed with her so you need to decide to forgive and move on or leave her. I personally think leave her for her sake not yours because you talk so disrespectful of her

Jesus, how do you talk about people you don’t like?

What a nasty person you are. She was ‘loose’ your relations talk about promiscuity and it not being marriage material

do her a favour and leave. She can do far better than you. You are not perfect either

Fucking hell. Leave her, you have absolutely no respect for the lass at all. "Loose' "promiscuous' there are also words to describe men like you.

I don't care for your comments about her past and whether her past makes her marriage material or not.

However her keeping this from you in the beginning is borderline disgusting. I would have walked away the instant I found that out.

Not only because I wouldn't want to contract genital herpes (which is NOT the same as the HSV many people have), but because of the deceit.

Everyone has full autonomy of their body, and it is not unfair to leave someone if they have a lifelong contagious infection.

I understand how you feel. My DP did this to me. I was pregnant and we were on a break. When we got back together he had been sh*ing about and then gave me herpes. I am still with him but I hate that he did this to me. Feel stuck with him now because he has ruined me.

Please leave her so she can find someone who doesn't call her a slag and an embarrassment

If I were your partner I would have disclosed my carrier status for herpes and have always insisted on both myself and my partner STD testing before unprotected sex in a new relationship. It’s both of our responsibility to try and be as proactive as we can to protect each other.

However previous posters have touched on the fact you’re out of touch with society’s attitudes with regards to STDS and the language you use to describe your partner is quite frankly abhorrent. She shouldn’t have lied but she definitely deserves to have a better, more emotionally supportive person than yourself. Her sexual past is absolutely none of your business. The fact you genuinely believe someone will see you with her and laugh because they’ve had sex with her is frankly absurd and I’m cringing with second hand embarrassment at your lack of maturity. God knows what people who know you in real life must think of you if this is the sort of drivel that you trot out. I expect they rather look at your girlfriend and pity her for being with such an immature, dense human being like yourself. Your views are so out of touch with modern society it screams how much of an oddball you are. It’s ironic you’ve accused one poster of being deluded when you’re quite clearly living with delusions yourself. That fact that you think a stranger cares that much about your sex life means you’re so self-absorbed that your problems lie far beyond HSV.

I don’t even think you’re taking enough responsibility to be engaging in sexual activity full stop. Every time you have sex, whether you use barrier contraceptives or not there is a possibility you can either contract an STD or conceive a child. Condoms may offer a debatable percentage of protection but nothing is one hundred per cent effective. If you’re not prepared for either of those possible scenarios then you shouldn’t be having sex. That stands for everyone in my books, myself included.
Do the girl a favour and leave her to someone who she can feel comfortable and open enough to be able to have the conversation with in the first place. Someone who will appreciate her instead of trying to shame her for having “loose” morals for not being chaste and living like lots people do these days. I don’t believe she was right to withhold that information from you but judging by what you’ve written it doesn’t take a genius to work out why she didn’t. She’s clearly very vulnerable to tolerate you emotionally manipulating her and definitely doesn’t realise her self worth. Let her go. Let her live her life and you can crack on alone with your 1950’s views because nobody with any self respect will want anything to do with someone like you.

I think you should split up with her. She lied to you, but you seem to find her lacking, and seem to think you are better than her. It won't end well

When I had it discovered during pregnancy, the Urinary(?) consultant who visited my ward , said that NINETY PERCENT of the population have the virus for Genital (or Oral) Herpes but just don't know it! It can be 'activated' by pregnancy, stress or a number of other factors

So you found out she'd kept it from you but stayed with her.
You look down on her for this (your choice) and for her sex life before you met, but you're still with her. You think you have "settled" for her ie you think you're better than her.

Leave - she shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who despises her so much.

So my consultant who stood next to my bed and said "90% of the popular has the virus lying dormant in their system" you're saying that you know better than a consultant?????

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright 🤣👌🏻

HSV2 will be vastly underreported too because I would imagine most people who have outbreaks don’t report them, especially Men, because they are embarrassed or ashamed which is ridiculous really when you consider we all out proudly sporting our crusty cold sores.

Absolutely. But the op is talking about a situation where his partner knew she had the virus and chose not to tell him. Which is completely different to genuinely not knowing you had been exposed.

Would you expect someone with cold sore virus who didn't have a cold sore at the time to have told you before kissing for the first time?

The fact you genuinely believe someone will see you with her and laugh because they’ve had sex with her is frankly absurd

This does happen unfortunately, that rightly or wrongly, a person gets a reputation that effects how people talk or think about them and anyone who goes out with them. Not only from her exes, but people locally in general. But someone who really loved their partner might brave it out and not pay attention to it.

It mightn't be as easy if the partner had given them herpes knowing it was a risk and not telling them, though.

I would never be able to get past someone doing this do me

Amen to that, I currently have a crop across my top lip, round my nose and up my nose. Blowing my nose (I've got a cold and it is runny) is bloody agony.

I don't think anyone proudly boasts cold sores- they're hard to hide as they're on the face. But there's not much people can do about that, apart from try and treat them and maybe wear a mask all the time until they clear up.

I'm lucky not to have had them.

I can't help thinking I would rather have genital herpes than have sex with the OP

As an aside, reputation is only a construct that exists amongst people who are gossips. People who are so very lacking with their own lives that they have to occupy theirselves with talking about the lives of others as opposed to minding their own business. These are exactly the sorts of people I actively avoid in life and would strongly encourage others to do the same. Just because there are feckless people in life who are immature enough to gossip about this woman’s sex life it doesn’t mean that she should be shamed for it. I couldn’t nor do I know anybody who has ever had sex with another person that would laugh at someone else for doing the same. Why would they? Sex isn’t a taboo subject anymore, no one whose opinion is worth anything would care anyway. Unless you’re a teenager of course or a prude.

To my main point, if the OP is to be believed then they were in full possession of all the facts of this woman’s life otherwise she wouldn’t have acquired such a “reputation”. This did not in fact burn so deeply into the OPs moral compass that they couldn’t help themselves not to have sex with this woman in the first place; let alone continue to have sex with them multiple times over. Everyone’s entitled to their own standard of morals and what they will tolerate but you cannot pick and choose to suit. The OP didn’t care about how much of a “slag” she was when it suited them. But now when the OP has to face a natural consequence of having sex, gambled and lost this woman is now a whore? I don’t think so. That will never wash with me. STDs have been around for thousands of years, they are not a new misunderstood thing. Love doesn’t come into it either. The way the OP speaks with such contempt about their partner shows they cannot possibly love her and has always harboured such feelings to some degree. People who truly love you don’t care about your past and will love you regardless. It’s absolute hypocrisy on the OPs part. They made a choice not to care when it suited and now when it suits them they do and they are trying to beat their partner with the rod of a decision they made years ago. There is a very wise saying in life “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.

Her sexual history is none of your concern. So what if she was a slag and slept about. However she should have told you. I think it’s actually disgusting and should be illegal to not disclose you have an STI. Shame on people that hide it because they’re scared they’ll get left.