Page 4 | DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

FPCculture · 2023-12-08T17:38:19+00:00

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me. 3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also. I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc. LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention. *It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way). * I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter) What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

GreyWednesday · 08/12/2023 20:24

ALightOverThere · 08/12/2023 17:59

I would have ended it over the lie.

Her sex life before you met is nothing to do with you and the way you talk about her is appalling. It’s also completely untrue that someone who has had multiple partners in the past won’t be faithful.

Bit of a shit show all round.

This exactly. Absolutely fine to be angry with her over the lie, and to consider ending the relationship. I would be too.

Absolutely not fine to talk about her the way you do. If she was promiscuous before she met you, so what? That doesn’t mean that she’s likely to be unfaithful in your relationship. I also hope that you’re not making the assumption that she was promiscuous because she has genital herpes. She could easily have caught it from a committed relationship, either while still using a condom or after an STI test as it’s not routinely tested for.

willowtalk · 08/12/2023 20:25

GladioliandSweetPeas · 08/12/2023 19:47

So my consultant who stood next to my bed and said "90% of the popular has the virus lying dormant in their system" you're saying that you know better than a consultant?????

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright 🤣👌🏻

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She was wrong. Go and look up some stats and educate yourself - they’re widely available online.

I can understand why, if you have genital herpes, you’d want to believe the first person that came along and told you it was a common virus (which is what you literally did) - but it’s not.

Seriously make an effort - it takes two seconds to check your facts.

Instead you’ve taken a laissez-faire and nonchalant attitude and written off your serious infection.

You have HSV 2.. not HSV 1

DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

Original poster

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:26

Coconutter24 · 08/12/2023 18:52

So if you bet your ex partners don’t care about your current life and you don’t care for theirs because your adults and move on in life why can’t you apply that to your current partner and her exs? Why do you think your exs don’t care but hers at probably laughing at you? The vibes you’re giving out are double standards and jealousy. She was very wrong to lie to you absolutely she should of told you the truth before any sex however you found out the truth and stayed with her so you need to decide to forgive and move on or leave her. I personally think leave her for her sake not yours because you talk so disrespectful of her

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If you read what I said you wouldn't ask that. She echoed that concern because she has had experiences of this before (she said ) of running into people she has been with in the past i.e. Wives bumping into her knowing full and well she is the woman that had sex with their husbands . Again, I explain prior to this ,she echoed this point of worry of bumping into people that know her etc. but anyway moving on

OP posts:

FatFatMary · 08/12/2023 20:26

CharlotteRose90 · 08/12/2023 20:21

Her sexual history is none of your concern. So what if she was a slag and slept about. However she should have told you. I think it’s actually disgusting and should be illegal to not disclose you have an STI. Shame on people that hide it because they’re scared they’ll get left.

I would say it’s a form of assault

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/12/2023 20:28

Reddit's over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Or have they closed all the Red Pill subs now?

Mouthouch · 08/12/2023 20:28

To get into pedantics you can get typical mouth herpes on your genitals and vice versa. So if this poster was told that then perhaps she does have cold sore one down there and technically then everyone’s correct and we can all put our pitchforks down 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:29

GreyWednesday · 08/12/2023 20:24

This exactly. Absolutely fine to be angry with her over the lie, and to consider ending the relationship. I would be too.

Absolutely not fine to talk about her the way you do. If she was promiscuous before she met you, so what? That doesn’t mean that she’s likely to be unfaithful in your relationship. I also hope that you’re not making the assumption that she was promiscuous because she has genital herpes. She could easily have caught it from a committed relationship, either while still using a condom or after an STI test as it’s not routinely tested for.

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I guess I should have added more info, I found out later she has cheated on all partners she had etc which contributes to my view/worry . I am not worried about how she quote it to be honest ,it's more about putting someone at risk , knowing your incurable condition

OP posts:

plumtreebroke · 08/12/2023 20:31

If you can't cope with it you have to leave.

CharlotteRose90 · 08/12/2023 20:32

FatFatMary · 08/12/2023 20:26

I would say it’s a form of assault

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100% it should be. Honestly if I found out a guy gave me something without telling me I would honestly try and sue him. It’s vile that people put others at risk

Original poster

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:32

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 19:36

If I were your partner I would have disclosed my carrier status for herpes and have always insisted on both myself and my partner STD testing before unprotected sex in a new relationship. It’s both of our responsibility to try and be as proactive as we can to protect each other.

However previous posters have touched on the fact you’re out of touch with society’s attitudes with regards to STDS and the language you use to describe your partner is quite frankly abhorrent. She shouldn’t have lied but she definitely deserves to have a better, more emotionally supportive person than yourself. Her sexual past is absolutely none of your business. The fact you genuinely believe someone will see you with her and laugh because they’ve had sex with her is frankly absurd and I’m cringing with second hand embarrassment at your lack of maturity. God knows what people who know you in real life must think of you if this is the sort of drivel that you trot out. I expect they rather look at your girlfriend and pity her for being with such an immature, dense human being like yourself. Your views are so out of touch with modern society it screams how much of an oddball you are. It’s ironic you’ve accused one poster of being deluded when you’re quite clearly living with delusions yourself. That fact that you think a stranger cares that much about your sex life means you’re so self-absorbed that your problems lie far beyond HSV.

I don’t even think you’re taking enough responsibility to be engaging in sexual activity full stop. Every time you have sex, whether you use barrier contraceptives or not there is a possibility you can either contract an STD or conceive a child. Condoms may offer a debatable percentage of protection but nothing is one hundred per cent effective. If you’re not prepared for either of those possible scenarios then you shouldn’t be having sex. That stands for everyone in my books, myself included.
Do the girl a favour and leave her to someone who she can feel comfortable and open enough to be able to have the conversation with in the first place. Someone who will appreciate her instead of trying to shame her for having “loose” morals for not being chaste and living like lots people do these days. I don’t believe she was right to withhold that information from you but judging by what you’ve written it doesn’t take a genius to work out why she didn’t. She’s clearly very vulnerable to tolerate you emotionally manipulating her and definitely doesn’t realise her self worth. Let her go. Let her live her life and you can crack on alone with your 1950’s views because nobody with any self respect will want anything to do with someone like you.

Immaturity on my part ? Interesting but okay ,
You are wrong here " However previous posters have touched on the fact you’re out of touch with society’s attitudes with regards to STDS"

Its literally not the point, point is simple ,it's not right to knowingly put someone at risk of an incurable issue. Yes many carry it but don't put me at risk, allow me choice. I guess I am out of touch there .

OP posts:

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 20:32

Whether or not it’s morally right, legally HSV is not one of the listed STDs that you must disclose. There are so many ways a person can be sexually assaulted, this is not one of them. You cannot call something sexual assault when legally it is not, no matter how morally wrong it is. It’s statements like these that take away from the extremely serious nature of genuine sexual assaults and why many people feel they cannot report it.

gamerchick · 08/12/2023 20:33

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:29

I guess I should have added more info, I found out later she has cheated on all partners she had etc which contributes to my view/worry . I am not worried about how she quote it to be honest ,it's more about putting someone at risk , knowing your incurable condition

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You're not going to sway people into thinking she's the devil's spawn OP. It's a shit or get off the pot moment. Either STFU slagging your partner off or leave her and let her find someone who doesn't.
That's it, those are your choices.

Muffit · 08/12/2023 20:33

Op I find it perfectly okay, for you to feel like this.If you feel she was loose, that's your decision to feel like that.
It's not cool on here to judge a person's previous sex life but if you feel like that well that's up to you.

The lie is also not something I would like.

So you should just decide what ever feels ok for you.
Greetings

Caravaggiouch · 08/12/2023 20:34

Do not start a family with this woman.

She needs the opportunity to get away from you and your attitude, not be tied to you for the rest of her life.

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 20:44

But now when the OP has to face a natural consequence of having sex

Risking gtting herpes wouldn'tve necessarily been a natural thing that happened to happen to OP in life if she hadn't misled him and omitted having it.

Most of us don't necessarily risk it as part of sex- we happen not to get it, and hopefully aren't deliberately lied to.

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 08/12/2023 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have genital herpes. I don't know whether it is caused by HSV1 or 2. It makes no difference, they cause the same symptoms. And with the increase in people having oral sex, they are essentially interchangeable now. So, yes, the odds are you have one or the other, even if you are unaware.

I did not find out until I was pregnant. I had been with the same person 3 years by that point. H had never knowingly had it, nor had I.

Your pejorative language about people having an extremely common viral infection is revolting. And exactly what makes people reluctant to disclose, because they are seen as disgusting and dirty. But then your coy use of 'privates' suggests you may be well suited as a partner for the OP here.

Coconutter24 · 08/12/2023 20:53

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:26

If you read what I said you wouldn't ask that. She echoed that concern because she has had experiences of this before (she said ) of running into people she has been with in the past i.e. Wives bumping into her knowing full and well she is the woman that had sex with their husbands . Again, I explain prior to this ,she echoed this point of worry of bumping into people that know her etc. but anyway moving on

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I did read what you said and that is exactly why I asked what I did. She may of echoed the concern but you brought up the concern to begin with, maybe she is saying she understands because she loves you and doesn’t want to loose you. I totally sympathise with you where the lie was concerned that was wrong but can you not understand how disrespectful and awful you’re coming across in your OP and updates? I don’t say that to sound mean. You either need to forgive her and learn to think more of her than you do or leave

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 20:54

You cannot call something sexual assault when legally it is not

A lot of things are sexual assault that aren't taken seriously legally. And sexual assaults in general aren't taken seriously unfortunately.

They don't enforce things thoroughly or strengthen the laws, or quite a percentage of people (especially men) would be in prison. Which is where a lot of them belong but they unfortunately don't do stuff often enough about various sexually violating acts, both illegal and not illegal. The police even interpret the law very leniently in this area.

Laws do change to acknowledge the reality of sexual assault sometimes- as they have with 'stealthing.'

Something can be a violation, assault, or rape without the law doing anything about it.

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 21:01

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 20:32

Immaturity on my part ? Interesting but okay ,
You are wrong here " However previous posters have touched on the fact you’re out of touch with society’s attitudes with regards to STDS"

Its literally not the point, point is simple ,it's not right to knowingly put someone at risk of an incurable issue. Yes many carry it but don't put me at risk, allow me choice. I guess I am out of touch there .

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I’m not wrong, you’re evidently reading something different to me. Others have definitely passed comment on the fact you’ve made misogynistic or disrespectful views with regards to her sexual past or nature. Others have literally said “your 1950s views” or comments to that same distinction. This doesn’t align with views shared by most in modern society hence why people keep repeatedly calling you out on it. Im sorry if you’re finding this difficult to accept but it’s the truth regardless. It’s people with attitudes like yours why there is still unnecessary stigma that people are fighting to overturn with regards to sex and sexually transmitted infections. Your judgement and lack of education is why your girlfriend didn’t tell you. Educate yourself and stop passing blame for something you’re equally as responsible for. If you weren’t horrible about her so unnecessarily for her past and your point was solely about the fact she’d lied then I’d be inclined to have far more sympathy for you but I don’t. No one is saying you’re wrong for being angry that she lied, I don’t suffer liars well either but that’s not your only problem with her. You must take your responsibility for your role in this. It doesn’t just fall at her feet. The situation is unfortunate but it is what it is. If you don’t take precautions in the future it could be far worse. People can’t keep having unprotected sex and passing the buck of blame. If we were talking about you getting her pregnant because she didn’t tell you she was on the pill it would be an entirely different response from posters I can assure you. I didn’t personally give statistics about how many people carry it, you’re confusing me with someone else. There are reasons HSV is not routinely tested for. One is that it can be difficult to test for routinely. Second, is that because so much of the population have it just like HPV is that so many people carry it that it’s not economically justifiable to test for on the NHS. You should have researched what routine tests include and paid for the separate more targeted tests privately if you were that bothered about contracting an incurable disease. Thirdly and most importantly is that it’s not life-threatening. It may not be curable but it’s treatable with anti-virals. I’m not getting into the physical side of coping with the virus before anyone jumps on me - I’m just stating the facts. This is why you don’t legally have to disclose it. You had your own choice, to not have sex and put yourself at risk. Hopefully you will learn better in the future to either abstain or attempt to use protection. I didn’t say it was fair, Im just being truthful. The point was actually that you can’t talk about your partner with such contempt when you clearly knew her past life choices and decided that was morally acceptable for you. You made that decision, you can’t treat her like shit for choosing to stay with her when you knew her past mistakes. You alone made that decision years ago. You should have left her then and you most definitely should leave her now.

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 21:03

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 20:54

You cannot call something sexual assault when legally it is not

A lot of things are sexual assault that aren't taken seriously legally. And sexual assaults in general aren't taken seriously unfortunately.

They don't enforce things thoroughly or strengthen the laws, or quite a percentage of people (especially men) would be in prison. Which is where a lot of them belong but they unfortunately don't do stuff often enough about various sexually violating acts, both illegal and not illegal. The police even interpret the law very leniently in this area.

Laws do change to acknowledge the reality of sexual assault sometimes- as they have with 'stealthing.'

Something can be a violation, assault, or rape without the law doing anything about it.

I’m not here to debate about the strength of our legal system I’m just stating facts.

retinolalcohol · 08/12/2023 21:05

I have a friend who has genital herpes and has been with a total of 5 people in her life. Baring in mind we are almost 30. It only takes one time with someone who is infected and contagious

There is nothing wrong with sex - casual or otherwise. It's not shameful for men or women.

She was wrong to lie, but your attitudes are quite frankly vile. She needs to get away from you.

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 21:06

@Zoreos You said we can't call something sexual assault when it's supposedly not legally. Yes, we can. It's how laws eventually get changed (on the rare occasion they do.) Even a man raping his wife wasn't considered rape, until people pushed for it.

willowtalk · 08/12/2023 21:07

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 08/12/2023 20:45

I have genital herpes. I don't know whether it is caused by HSV1 or 2. It makes no difference, they cause the same symptoms. And with the increase in people having oral sex, they are essentially interchangeable now. So, yes, the odds are you have one or the other, even if you are unaware.

I did not find out until I was pregnant. I had been with the same person 3 years by that point. H had never knowingly had it, nor had I.

Your pejorative language about people having an extremely common viral infection is revolting. And exactly what makes people reluctant to disclose, because they are seen as disgusting and dirty. But then your coy use of 'privates' suggests you may be well suited as a partner for the OP here.

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Herpes is disgusting.… All STIs are.
Its definitely not attractive!

I didn’t use ‘privates’ because I’m coy 😂🤣
I just CBF talking about all the orifices where you might find it.

Zoreos · 08/12/2023 21:09

porridgeisbae · 08/12/2023 21:06

@Zoreos You said we can't call something sexual assault when it's supposedly not legally. Yes, we can. It's how laws eventually get changed (on the rare occasion they do.) Even a man raping his wife wasn't considered rape, until people pushed for it.

I am perfectly aware of how laws are formed and I’ve already replied to you. One day it may be written into law and I will happily call it sexual assault. But today is not that day. You cannot brand someone a sexual abuser who by law is not classed as one is all I am saying. That is slander or libel.

wjpa · 08/12/2023 21:11

Boomboom22 · 08/12/2023 18:08

You are being very nasty.
Also absolute bullshit do you think loose is gender neutral, either you are an idiot who doesn't know what it means or you are a liar. It means the vagina is baggy because of all the different penises that gave stretched it, which is physiologically impossible for a start and could never ever be conceived of as affecting a penis.

I don't think this is necessarily the only definition of loose.

loose morals:

A lack of discretion or moral restraint. You're looking for a woman of loose morals to spend the night with, aren't you, pal?