DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

[FPCculture]

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

@porridgeisbae my point is the fearmongering aspect, by using such terms as 'incurable disease' it magnifies fear.
Yes we all carry lots of incurable diseases: chickenpox and glandular fever for instance.
A problem is that often when people see 'incurable' they think 'deadly' (I know you did not say 'deadly').

To be honest, I would class this as 'rape by deception':

"Where a perpetrator deceives the victim into participating in a sexual act to which they would otherwise not have consented, had they not been deceived".

I for one absolutely would not have sex knowingly with someone with an STD, curable or otherwise. I think if you actually love someone, this is the last thing you would EVER do.

Oh what disgusting behavior!!! You didn't tell him for 6 months????

I told my partners I'd had a positive HPV test during a smear test right at the start out of respect for them

How could you be so selfish???

@Pudmyboy I was quoting a PP.

Yes I don't think I'd use 'incurable' much, but I can understand why people feel strongly about someone knowingly putting someone at risk of an STD that has no cure and can really have an impact on people's lives.

Thete are some disgusting people on this thread.

You chose to withhold information that would allow him to give consent or not to take the risk of contracting an incurable virus. You are a TERRIBLE person. I can't believe the complete lack of any remorse in your post. You don't appear to be concerned at all for what you did.

Bollocks. 80% of the population does NOT have herpes. You may be confusing things with HPV which is not the same thing. In any case you miss the point spectacularly. You withheld information. You knowingly exposed him to a disease. You are the worst type of person.

@Megifer oh dear god. Alll the dreadful liars are out tonight.

Yeah it's hard to know but I really do not think that it's that high at all.
A lot of sites say that 80%ish of people have been exposed to the herpes virus, but 'exposed to' doesn't mean that they actually have it 🤔just that they potentially could have caught it.

When they take a random sample of the population to test and then see how many carry they then assume that's similar to the general population

If I kissed someone who never told me they had cold sore virus, I would be disappointed in myself if it was a random person, and disappointed in the other person if we were in a relationship.

@willowtalk
You are a bit harsh telling people to "go educate themselves" because they mention some percentage of people carrying HSV that you don't agree with. The screenshot you posted is an estimate for UK, but there are other countries.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_herpes_simplex#:~:text=HSV%2D1%20seroprevalence%20is%20high,%2C%20and%20Finland%20(52.4%25).
Maybe that doctor that you consider so uneducated was citing this study where they look at worldwide population, where the prevalence IS 90%
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK47447/
Also, those percentages are for people between 15 and 49 years old. The NIH also says that by the time a person is 50 years old in the US the probability of having HSV-1 is 90%. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2/oral-herpes
If you want to get even more worried, this study found that for single people 45 - 49 years old the prevalence of HSV-2 (not HSV-1!) is 55% for women and 25% for men.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/
It sort of makes you look at Tinder in a different way.
The point I'm trying to make is it doesn't matter if it's 60 or if it's 99, or if it's HSV-1 or HSV-2. The majority of people has herpes. Most of them don't know. I think it is unfair on the people that do know to be expected to carry that nonsense stigma alone, as if they are disgusting creatures that need to keep away from our healthy bodies. How many of you that are so indignant about someone not disclosing their HSV status go to the doctor after kissing someone , or having sex with someone, to be tested for HSV before kissing or having sex with someone new? HSV is not routinely tested on STD screens so unless you checked for it you should assume you have it, like the majority of people.
Of course, if you know you have it you should probably say it before ... kissing? sex?. But shouldn't people that definitely don't want to take any risk ask for a test before kissing someone?
Also, HSV is a skin condition. It is transmitted through skin to skin contact, not through sex. And in the majority of cases it is not a serious condition. HPV might give you cancer, but the stigma is much less. Why?
https://herpes.org.uk/how-herpes-got-its-stigma/

OP, I feel for your gf. She should have told you instead of taking medicines in secret to protect you. She was probably really scared, as people rarely react logically to HSV.
You are ashamed of being seen with her, so you should let her find someone that actually loves her. And you must get tested for HSV before having sex with someone else and disclose your results with all your partners from now on. Otherwise you are not only a misogynist but an hypocrite.

Absolutely yes i would!

I have never had a cold sore, nor genital warts. (Didn't have my first kiss til my current partner in my early 30's and he's the only person i've even seen naked let alone had physical sexual contact with, so i know 100% i didn't have anything before getting together with him) You damn right i'd want to know if the person i was considering a relationship with had one of these incurable lifelong conditions that i would be risking catching and having for the rest of my life. You never know how seriously you could be affected, some people get an occasional mild breakout, others are plagued with it severely. I specifically asked him if he'd ever had a cold sore or genital warts/sores etc right at the beginning before we'd kissed, along with his STD history.

To know you have either virus, currently in an active outbreak or dormant, and to not tell someone before kissing/sexual contact, is absolutely disgusting. You know that you can infect them if they haven't previously been exposed, its pure selfishness to put your own desire to be in a relationship with that person, over their right to choose if they want to risk infection or not. Imo i'd even class it as assault.

@AlmostAJillSandwich that's ridiculous. Most people have HSV. If you want 0 chances of getting it don't kiss anyone. Not even your parents or relatives.
And you don't know if you have it already. In most cases it's asymptomatic, but you can still transmit it. So you could give genital herpes to you partner through oral sex.
If you want to know, go get some tests.

Parents and relatives would be the last people I would kiss

It's not the same thing, you deliberately hidden an STD from your sexual partner and played with his health.
I don't mind a cold sore, I would very much mind getting genital herpes.
FFS.

Get tested

It's more so the fact that she would knowingly sleep with married men over and over again in the town we live in, and still does not understand why this is a tad bit wrong and brings her morals into question regarding "respect for marriage". Surely if you know your partner is known around town for such things, I doubt you would get serious with them.
The not disclosing an STI and sleeping with married men (or married women in my case) would both be big red flags for me and I doubt I could feel secure and trust someone who'd done one of those let alone both. Some of the language in your OP is pretty unpalatable and seems very judgemental and not like you actually respect and love her. It's ok if you can't see past these things and they are deal breakers for you, but if they are you need to break up. If you're planning to stay you need to find a way to move past the judgement and hurt otherwise life will be miserable.

She should have done the right thing by you and told you.

Now they you’ve revealed yourself to be a standard misogynist she should do the right thing by herself and leave you.

What region are you from where promiscuous men and women are seen equally? It’s a very unusual part of the world, wherever it is.

With good reason given that you have passed it on. Of course you should tell someone before they enter a sexual relationship with you.

She should have been mature enough to tell you from the start, especially considering your discussion. You should be mature enough to understand she isn't promiscuous just because she has herpes. You must be able to understand her embarrassment.

You're still holding this against her two years in. You should leave.

ahe shouldn’t have lied but you are being a dick head. Don’t stay with her if it’s going to dictate the relationship and you are going to speak so unpleasantly about her, having HSV doesn’t mean she or anyone is ‘loose’.

i got genital herpes HSV-1 from my husband 2yrs ago, he sprouted a cold sore the day after we had oral sex. I’m certainlY not loose nor is he

This^^

I think she did a terrible thing actually, I don’t think I would forgive her. But if you can’t forgive her it’s not fair to stay with her. You can’t resent her forever.

The way you think about her is really disgraceful and telling her you’re ashamed to be seen with her is abusive. And I think it’s really sad that she is accepting being treated like this as if she deserves it. Please end the relationship for her sake.

You should be mature enough to understand she isn't promiscuous just because she has herpes

OP has nowhere said that having herpes by itself means she was promiscuous. He considers her to have been promiscous in the past based on things she's said herself about her past, for instance.