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Original poster

DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

216 replies

FPCculture · 08/12/2023 17:38

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

OP posts:
TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 08:44

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/12/2023 02:42

Absolutely yes i would!

I have never had a cold sore, nor genital warts. (Didn't have my first kiss til my current partner in my early 30's and he's the only person i've even seen naked let alone had physical sexual contact with, so i know 100% i didn't have anything before getting together with him) You damn right i'd want to know if the person i was considering a relationship with had one of these incurable lifelong conditions that i would be risking catching and having for the rest of my life. You never know how seriously you could be affected, some people get an occasional mild breakout, others are plagued with it severely. I specifically asked him if he'd ever had a cold sore or genital warts/sores etc right at the beginning before we'd kissed, along with his STD history.

To know you have either virus, currently in an active outbreak or dormant, and to not tell someone before kissing/sexual contact, is absolutely disgusting. You know that you can infect them if they haven't previously been exposed, its pure selfishness to put your own desire to be in a relationship with that person, over their right to choose if they want to risk infection or not. Imo i'd even class it as assault.

Show quote history

Have you ever eaten a restaurant and used their utensils? Drank from a cup that wasn’t your own? You can get HSV 1 from these if they are contaminated.

How many people did your husband kiss before he met you?

You could be a HSV 1 carrier and not know.

Even if you e had a negative HSV 1 blood test you could have come across the HSV 1 virus since then.

Anyone who says they’ve never had a cold sore on their lips I take as lying as I’ve had people lie to my face when they’ve clearly had one saying it’s just a spot on my lips etc.

It’s people like you that deny the most that are the most dangerous and ignorant. I use to work in GUM and many people would deny they had herpes to my face and to themselves when the evidence was in front of me and them! They would not give permission to take swabs either. They like you thought they were pure and could never be infected with the herpes virus they were wrong. Also many people would come in after sleeping with just one person and be unlucky to have contracted genital herpes.

BTW ‘specifically asking’ him is not a guarantee he is not a carrier either you need a negative blood test so that was pointless on your part. I however, did take my husband to a GUM clinic where we both had a full STD test and shared the negative results before we had unprotected sex.

Unless you’ve had full STD bloods which include HSV and HPV you won’t know if you are a carrier.

Preaching your virtue does not protect you against these things if you have unprotected sex. You can minimize the risk but unless you don’t engage in any sex and live in a bubble it’s impossible to cut the risk 100%.

Megifer · 09/12/2023 09:07

kaboomy · 08/12/2023 23:25

@Megifer oh dear god. Alll the dreadful liars are out tonight.

Yep. Not to worry. One had one outbreak in 20 years, and he's fine. He nearly wasnt when he gave thrush once 🙄 thrush way worse for me than herpes!

PaperDoIIs · 09/12/2023 09:12

Being angry at her not disclosing and feeling some of the trust is gone ,it's completely fair enough. However, the right thing to do if you can't move on from it is to split up.

Even more so when you clearly don't respect her,are ashamed of her and see her as beneath you and lesser.

She's obviously vulnerable or has very low esteem to "agree" with your way of thinking instead of showing you the door. You're taking advantage of the situation, because you were wronged first. That doesn't give you the higher moral ground, just makes you an opportunist.

Just end it.

instantick · 09/12/2023 09:12

for one i would want to know before any relationship developed sexually emotionally etc, i dont think it is fair to put this on someone its like trapping them then having the control over that person which if somene had give me a incurable disease i would be so down and depressed. do the right thing tell her about how you feel x

Wednesdayweekday · 09/12/2023 09:13

@AlmostAJillSandwich you realise most people who have HSV-1 contract it as kids, right? And that being a virgin til 30 in no way means you’ve not been exposed to, or contracted it?

I’ve never had cold sores either, and I’ve also never had anyone disclose to me prior to kissing me that they have HSV-1. It’s just not something society expects people to do, even though those of us without it may want to know. It’s actually laughable the difference in how these two strains of the same virus are viewed.

Peacheroo · 09/12/2023 09:18

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 08:33

You should be mature enough to understand she isn't promiscuous just because she has herpes

OP has nowhere said that having herpes by itself means she was promiscuous. He considers her to have been promiscous in the past based on things she's said herself about her past, for instance.

Slightly better if I have misread that but I still don't like his disregard if she has been promiscuous. People can and do settle down and he's wasted two years of her life if he is such a pathetic individual that he can't get past something it seems he knew from the beginning.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/12/2023 09:22

She should not have withheld this information from you. That is wrong I will say but there must be a reason other than she thought you might leave her. Likely the attitude you take about her sex life previous to you. If it were me it would be more about feeling judged and have someone feel disgusted by me etc than losing the person.

Megifer · 09/12/2023 09:25

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 08:44

Have you ever eaten a restaurant and used their utensils? Drank from a cup that wasn’t your own? You can get HSV 1 from these if they are contaminated.

How many people did your husband kiss before he met you?

You could be a HSV 1 carrier and not know.

Even if you e had a negative HSV 1 blood test you could have come across the HSV 1 virus since then.

Anyone who says they’ve never had a cold sore on their lips I take as lying as I’ve had people lie to my face when they’ve clearly had one saying it’s just a spot on my lips etc.

It’s people like you that deny the most that are the most dangerous and ignorant. I use to work in GUM and many people would deny they had herpes to my face and to themselves when the evidence was in front of me and them! They would not give permission to take swabs either. They like you thought they were pure and could never be infected with the herpes virus they were wrong. Also many people would come in after sleeping with just one person and be unlucky to have contracted genital herpes.

BTW ‘specifically asking’ him is not a guarantee he is not a carrier either you need a negative blood test so that was pointless on your part. I however, did take my husband to a GUM clinic where we both had a full STD test and shared the negative results before we had unprotected sex.

Unless you’ve had full STD bloods which include HSV and HPV you won’t know if you are a carrier.

Preaching your virtue does not protect you against these things if you have unprotected sex. You can minimize the risk but unless you don’t engage in any sex and live in a bubble it’s impossible to cut the risk 100%.

Edited
Show quote history

Must admit I do feel a bit bad for some of the posters on this thread who, statistically, will already have the virus that might pop up one day. Or their partners for that matter!

Fwiw my consultant told me I absolutely did not have to tell anyone unless I was having an outbreak 🤷‍♀️

DSDaisy · 09/12/2023 09:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Over40Overdating · 09/12/2023 09:39

@AlmostAJillSandwich your attitude is almost as problematic as the OP.

A PP has put it far more eloquently but feeling superior that you don’t have herpes - which many people get as a child with the oral version and as silent infection with the STI version even with testing and precautions - you haven’t avoided it because you are superior or virtuous, just lucky.

Also the oral version can be passed on through the use of eating utensils and other communal methods and remain dormant for many many years so your conviction of not being tainted, as you imply others are, could be tested yet.

Wouldyouguess · 09/12/2023 09:45

She may have had ONE sexual partner before you and got herpes, does not make her promiscuous. You said she may have slept with many men, it suggests to me she has very low self esteem and seekednattention desperately (or maybe it's just your perspectivr and she just had lots of fun and enjoyed life) and as a result ended up with another charmer instead of finding a man who would be kind to her and value her. Vicious circle.
If it bothers you so much, leave. I hope she finds someone better than a man stuck in the victorian era when it comes to sexuality and terminology surrounding it.

Megifer · 09/12/2023 09:48

So does everyone tell a new partner if they have an itchy toe? Could be athletes foot, wouldn't want to pass a potential difficult to cure disease on to them.....now there's a bitch of a thing to try and get rid of sometimes 😩

Threewheeler1 · 09/12/2023 09:49

akiwi · 09/12/2023 01:11

@willowtalk
You are a bit harsh telling people to "go educate themselves" because they mention some percentage of people carrying HSV that you don't agree with. The screenshot you posted is an estimate for UK, but there are other countries.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_herpes_simplex#:~:text=HSV%2D1%20seroprevalence%20is%20high,%2C%20and%20Finland%20(52.4%25).
Maybe that doctor that you consider so uneducated was citing this study where they look at worldwide population, where the prevalence IS 90%
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK47447/
Also, those percentages are for people between 15 and 49 years old. The NIH also says that by the time a person is 50 years old in the US the probability of having HSV-1 is 90%. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2/oral-herpes
If you want to get even more worried, this study found that for single people 45 - 49 years old the prevalence of HSV-2 (not HSV-1!) is 55% for women and 25% for men.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/
It sort of makes you look at Tinder in a different way.
The point I'm trying to make is it doesn't matter if it's 60 or if it's 99, or if it's HSV-1 or HSV-2. The majority of people has herpes. Most of them don't know. I think it is unfair on the people that do know to be expected to carry that nonsense stigma alone, as if they are disgusting creatures that need to keep away from our healthy bodies. How many of you that are so indignant about someone not disclosing their HSV status go to the doctor after kissing someone , or having sex with someone, to be tested for HSV before kissing or having sex with someone new? HSV is not routinely tested on STD screens so unless you checked for it you should assume you have it, like the majority of people.
Of course, if you know you have it you should probably say it before ... kissing? sex?. But shouldn't people that definitely don't want to take any risk ask for a test before kissing someone?
Also, HSV is a skin condition. It is transmitted through skin to skin contact, not through sex. And in the majority of cases it is not a serious condition. HPV might give you cancer, but the stigma is much less. Why?
https://herpes.org.uk/how-herpes-got-its-stigma/

OP, I feel for your gf. She should have told you instead of taking medicines in secret to protect you. She was probably really scared, as people rarely react logically to HSV.
You are ashamed of being seen with her, so you should let her find someone that actually loves her. And you must get tested for HSV before having sex with someone else and disclose your results with all your partners from now on. Otherwise you are not only a misogynist but an hypocrite.

Thanks akiwi, brilliant post.

singlemum93 · 09/12/2023 09:51

I can totally understand the feeling of trust being broken but as a nurse what a lot of people don't realise is herpes is not a normal STI. They cannot test for it unless you have active blisters to get fluid from so most people walk around having no clue they have it and most people have cold sores which can also be transmitted to the genitals through oral sex.
Also men don't get symptoms as badly as women and men often don't realise they have herpes as women's symptoms are a lot worse. Most women with herpes have caught the virus from a man who probably had no idea he has herpes.
But I cannot get over your attitude towards your other half- you need to end this relationship and let her find someone who doesn't judge her for her past relationships. There are such double standards for men and women. If a man is single for 10 years it is pretty much accepted he will of had lots of partners but a woman who does the same is judged as 'loose'.
Please end this relationship before you ruin her life having children with her who will see you have no respect for her.
Good luck finding someone who meets your standards

Extrasprinklesplz · 09/12/2023 10:27

That's awful. Quite disgusting to hide that from somebody, and I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure it's also illegal to purposely sleep with somebody and not disclose, if it's transmitted at least.
Some replies acting as if it is fine and normal, one even saying her partner still doesn't know a few years down the line. Absolutely disgusting. Shocking

Over40Overdating · 09/12/2023 10:53

@Extrasprinklesplz what’s shocking and disgusting is you trying to spread completely incorrect information as legal fact. You even say you might be wrong yet go ahead and make a wrong assertion anyway. This is how fear and stigma are spread.

Herpes does not need to be disclosed as an STI. Even well managed HIV does not need to be disclosed if the viral load is undetectable.

The moral judgement and holier than thou attitudes from some on this thread is far more problematic than STIs.

Also many of you have likely had at the very least one strain of HPV which you didn’t know about. HPV screening as part of smears has only been in action in the last few years so many people didn’t know they had it before the infection cleared on its own.

So if any of you casting judgement on people with STIs have ever had an abnormal smear at any point prior to the last 5ish years, congratulations you likely had HPV.

Odellio · 09/12/2023 10:55

“scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).”

I cannot believe what I just read. Thinking this way isn’t silly, IT’S HORRIBLE. I can’t believe you’ve shared this thought with her and she’s still with you!

So unbelievably misogynistic. Get some therapy. She’s unethical for lying to you about the herpes, but you are a total wanker also.

Stressyfab · 09/12/2023 11:04

Guys don’t worry - it’s fine to speak so poorly about his partner because he’s doubled (tripled, quadrupled and so on) down on it!

OP before you reply to me saying I simply don’t understand that you speak about everyone this way, not based on gender - it’s disgusting regardless. Get a grip.

I’d of left the first sign of lying but you chose not to, if the lie bothers you now, leave on that basis. Not all these underlying assumptions and narratives you make.

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 09/12/2023 11:05

OP end the relationship already for both your sakes. Moral superiority over your partner is not a reason to stay together. I'm guessing she didn't tell you because she knew your reaction would be over the top (this doesn't excuse her btw, but if goes towards explaining her reasoning).

gamerchick · 09/12/2023 12:17

Spammer reported. 🙄

Peacheroo · 09/12/2023 12:20

Odellio · 09/12/2023 10:55

“scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).”

I cannot believe what I just read. Thinking this way isn’t silly, IT’S HORRIBLE. I can’t believe you’ve shared this thought with her and she’s still with you!

So unbelievably misogynistic. Get some therapy. She’s unethical for lying to you about the herpes, but you are a total wanker also.

I missed this even though it was in bold. What on earth! OP you are an absolute cunt. Leave her and crawl back into your hole!

Original poster
FPCculture · 09/12/2023 14:15

You missed the point I mentioned her past that's behind 1 partner I assume ?

OP posts:
Original poster
FPCculture · 09/12/2023 14:16

Who is spamming ?

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 09/12/2023 14:18

FPCculture · 09/12/2023 14:15

You missed the point I mentioned her past that's behind 1 partner I assume ?

No one would miss that. You made sure we all know. It's the only reason you are in a relationship with her. You found the ideal stick to beat her with and also ensure her self esteem is so low, she wouldn't even think about dumping your sorry, mysoginistic ass.

Just break up with her ffs, and let the poor woman actually have a chance at a good,healthy relationship .

Original poster
FPCculture · 09/12/2023 14:19

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/12/2023 09:22

She should not have withheld this information from you. That is wrong I will say but there must be a reason other than she thought you might leave her. Likely the attitude you take about her sex life previous to you. If it were me it would be more about feeling judged and have someone feel disgusted by me etc than losing the person.

Thank God some people can give responses that are rational .

Much appreciated 👍

OP posts: