DP did not disclose Genital herpes - Yrs later, I am still bothered

[FPCculture]

So , I have never got over this, I thought I did but 2 years later, it is bothering me.

3 months into intimate dating this girl dropped in a lie that she just found out that Genital herpes via her routine smear tes. Soon after, when I was looking for tablets in her bedroom and I found a prescription dated one year prior of her repeat Aciclovir prescription. when she "lied" initially, I decided to continue because I had already exposed myself to the risks etc and I did not know she lied also.

I was broken because this was a massive lie and I confronted her and she cried and apologised stating that she was scared to lose me or to be judged etc.

LSS, I may likely have it already now as she has had 3 breakouts since we got together(we do not have sex during the outbreak) so not bothered but it's just the thought of why she risked it with me and I feel disrespected years on. Mentally I question myself if I will ever get over it because I ended up finding out that she was very loose throughout her 20s, meeting men online and just having 1 night stands with whoever gave her attention.

It's playing on my mind even more now that we are discussing starting a family with this person that lied to me/put me at risk/ scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc(she understands this last part which makes me realise i am not silly to think this way).

I was always taught by my aunts and uncles "you cannot turn a promiscuous person into a wife/husband" (I do not have separate rules for men/women as society does on this matter)

What would you do if you were in my shoes, should I just believe that people change or just leave as I cannot ever get over this in my head? apologies if I sound shallow/ignorant in my thought process to some but I am sure some have gone through this

You're being massively misogynist about her sexual past and if I were her I'd run screaming. Unacceptable and very unattractive. Also, genital herpes is not a signifier of promiscuity, many many people have it. That said, not ok she didn't disclose - maybe she's come across too many people with your attitude.

As someone who’s had genital herpes for 17 years I’d say your description of her is disgusting.

shes “loose” 😲😲😲😲

why are you thinking of starting a family with someone you think so little of?

I never told my husband until we had been together at least 6 months. The reason? I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he found out I had an incurable STI.

lets be honest, it would scare most people off.

my husband went on to start having outbreaks after 3 years of us being together.

Apologies for the term "loose", maybe it's just a common terminology in my upbringing/region, this is non-gender specific so I hope the responses aren't based on that. Even my dad is described as such by my nan as he moved from woman to woman after my mum.

Or being able to move on from her lie? Then leave?

Being a misogynist idiot and judging her for her sec life before you? Makes you a shitty person. So leave. Her past is non of your business. But you know about it, you judge her for it. She isn’t for you. Leave the poor woman alone.

You clearly realise it would put people off so why not give someone that choice before putting them at risk?

I am sure you would have liked to know also, but obviously, you will say no considering it was you with Herpes in this scenario.

Loose is non-gender specific for me fyi so apologies for making it seem so(promiscuous may sound better)

Thank you for the response.

Relationships are built on trust. If she has broken your trust. Have that conversation and move onto someone you can trust. She can do the same also.

"scared to go most place with her incase some men recognise her and laugh at the one who settled for her etc"

What do you mean by this?

I never told him because herpes is a misunderstood virus.

people hear it and think oh no, no way do I want that etc when actually 80% of the population already has it, yet most don’t have outbreaks.

so you could already have it but not know about it.

also would you be upset if someone kissed you but didn’t tell you they have the cold sore virus?

its the same thing but in a different place on the body.

You are ridiculous to think that BTW, I have no idea why she hasn't got rid of you for that comment alone.

It’s always going to bother you so I would leave if I were you as you feel so strongly about it and she is not in your eyes the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with not have children with.

I would have ended it over the lie.

Her sex life before you met is nothing to do with you and the way you talk about her is appalling. It’s also completely untrue that someone who has had multiple partners in the past won’t be faithful.

Bit of a shit show all round.

Don't be with someone you don't respect.
It's not fair on them.

They deserve better.

She was wrong to lie, 100%. It was a shitty and reckless thing for her to do.

But you can either accept that she did that, and move on with her or you can't accept it and you can't stay.

If you are so judgemental about her sex life before you and view her so nastily then you are keeping a big a secret from her too.

She needs to know that you view her with contempt as much as you needed to know she had herpes

Which unless she's the only woman you ever slept with, you may already have been exposed to btw.

Something close to 70% of the global population have herpes 1 and/or 2. Nearly a quarter of the UK population has genital herpes.

Ain't that the truth.

Most people don't realise that it can lie dormant for years and years. For all you know op you could be a carrier.

My DP is still blissfully unaware. Never told him because tbh i totally forgot and only remembered when i was due a smear 3 years into our relationship <shrug>

You're scared to be seen out with her in case one of her past flings recognises her and laughs at the 'one who settled for her' !!!- right, well, that's in your head and clearly you do have double standards and have massively devalued her in your mind. What of the guy doing the recognising? I think you'll find that he behaved no differently, yet you care about his perceived opinion? And no, just because she is trying to placate you by saying she understands, it still remains a very silly attitude to have, you are not off the hook.
Overall it looks like there's bad on both sides, yes she should of told you, but it's looking more like her promiscuous past is what's bothering you now, given that you actively avoid places (ludicrous, you should be dumped for that alone). She's probably settling for you rather than the other way around. She's also been very unwise to tell an insecure BF details about her past, so that he can use it against her.

Don’t have children with her and leave.
You two are only destined for a life of misery.
You are judgemental and consider her beneath yourself - because as a young person she had a pattern of sexual behaviour you disapprove of.
You are ashamed of her in public - yet considering having a kid with her?
Seriously???

And you are already manipulating her, telling her it’s normal for you to be ashamed
of her. This is borderline abusive. And will only get worse as you will continue putting her down.

You should have left when you found out she lied. It’d have made sense then. Staying and making her suffer (or be grateful) for your decision - is not on.

I never told my husband until we had been together at least 6 months. The reason? I didn’t think he would want to be with me if he found out I had an incurable STI.

lets be honest, it would scare most people off.

my husband went on to start having outbreaks after 3 years of us being together.

And you think there's nothing wrong with this? It's really unethical. Of course people wouldn't want to catch an incurable disease- which isn't a hypothetical situation, for instance you've done it to your husband.

She was wrong not to tell you about the herpes, you are wrong to judge a woman's past and call her loose. And to say you feel people will laugh because you are the one that settled for her is deplorable. You have no respect for this woman so why are you planning a family with her?

I never told him because herpes is a misunderstood virus.

people hear it and think oh no, no way do I want that etc when actually 80% of the population already has it, yet most don’t have outbreaks.

Ugh, I hate when people who lie about their herpes make up bollocks like this.

The prevalence of HSV2, which usually causes genital herpes is about 13 percent and the prevalence of HSV1 which usually causes cold sores is 67 percent.

My ex had genital herpes and hid it from me for some time. Like you, OP, I stayed with him because I felt I had already been exposed, but TBH I never really got over it.

Aside from the fact that he obviously felt he had the right to control information that he knew full well might change my mind about pursuing the relationship (like @AHelpfulHand did), it made my pregnancies so much more stressful wondering whether I was going to get a first outbreak shortly before birth, which could have put my babies at risk.

I never had an outbreak, so perhaps didn't acquire it (HVS1, which I have - and told him about - can confer some immunity, so can certain genes, one of which I know I have) but over time that became more of an issue, as I really didn't want it. I have a friend who has it and it's been horrible for her. Some people get it mildly and others get it awfully.

Turns out genital herpes was just one of a number of things that my DH felt I didn't need to know about because it might adversely affect my willingness to stay in a relationship with him. These days I would see failure to disclose as a major red flag of controlling tendencies.

You are being very nasty.
Also absolute bullshit do you think loose is gender neutral, either you are an idiot who doesn't know what it means or you are a liar. It means the vagina is baggy because of all the different penises that gave stretched it, which is physiologically impossible for a start and could never ever be conceived of as affecting a penis.

That’s terrible that you didn’t tell him. And very selfish.

She absolutely should have told you OP before any sex at all - as should this poster you’ve quoted.

Take responsibility for yourself. Did you ask her before you had sex? Did you both get checked out? Did you wear a condom (not 100% but does give some protection.) Were you a virgin when you got together or were you a "bit loose?"

And weirdly people seem far less bothered about cold sores which are just herpes on the face. How many people discuss cold sores before oral sex?

I take objection to you calling her 'loose', but it remains that she wronged you with this action. She should have told you.

After a betrayal or something that really damaged trust, it does often take about 2 years for the other person to realise they will never get over it.

For all you know op you could be a carrier Well if that's you attitude @Megifer then what would be the point of testing for any STD?? After all, if anyone could be a carrier, I guess you wouldn't mind having unprotected sex with someone seeing as you yourself could be carrying the same thing as they are. Daft thing to say.