Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi, can I drop in and cheekily as for some advice?

In June I ended an 8-year relationship that had always really been rocky, if I'm honest (my ex agrees we dragged it out for far too long but we get on now as friends better then we ever did as a couple).

A few months later I started meeting up with someone I'd been friends with for over 20 years but due to his marriage and my relationship (and both partners not being keen on friends of the opposite sex), we had kind of stopped talking for a few years out of respect to our respective partners.

Anyway. Things developed from friendship into...well basically we both had feelings for each other when we were in our early 20s, before we met our exes but never admitted it to each other, when we started seeing each other we both admitted the feelings were still there/had come back.

So in November we started dating.

He's lovely, makes me feel completely at ease when we're together, it just feels 'right' when we're together BUT when we're not together I keep having doubts. He's asked me to communicate to him whenever I have these 'wobbles' as I call them, but the poor guy must not know where he's coming or going because one minute I'm all lovey dovey and making plans, a few days later I'm worrying I don't have enough feelings for him (because how can I if I keep changing my mind?) and suggesting that maybe we should just stay friends.

I do have three children, aged between 12-17 and they don't tend to go out with their friends much (they're all neurodiverse and prefer to be at home), so maybe it's this, combined with not long splitting from my ex (even though it was amicable and we get along now - he's not their dad btw) that is making me feel like something's not quite right?

Anyway I think I'm just wondering how to tell whether I just don't like this new man enough, or if it's just a combination or outside factors that are making me feel a bit on edge/like I don't have enough feelings for him

I will say, when I look to the future I don't see myself in a relationship and have never had that urge or want to be in a relationship, all previous relationships have been kind of toxic/argumentative/controlling etc.

Any advice appreciated if possible :)

Thanks @SamW98 and @NervesOfCotton he messaged me about an hour later to say thank you for meeting me and we had a text conversation about what a lovely time we had had. Going to message him tomorrow and see if he fancies doing something at the weekend. I am trying to let my guard down a bit...have been massively hurt and cheated on in the past and while it is down when we text and chat on the phone I could feel it coming up today when we met in person as it made it more 'real' if that makes sense.
My question is do I tell him that I am quite guarded and struggle to let it down straight away? Don't want him to think I don't like him when I do but at the same time I am not ready to let down all barriers yet!

@2anddone

Im a naturally guarded person not because of past relationships but that’s just who I am.

I do mention it after a couple of dates just so they know it’s a me thing and not about them.

In your shoes I would maybe just mention you can be guarded/reserved at first but don’t go into details yet.

@Adateworsethandeath I had this before Christmas, a guy who I didn't think I'd be attracted to and, in fact, wasn't. We had some things in common and he had one of my dream jobs, he was a very confident conversationalist so we chatted easily which was great. Turned out he was 6 years older than his profile said, and his profile already made him 9 years older than me - he tutted and blustered a bit but didn't try to excuse it. I said I wanted to be just friends and he said something about us all thinking we've got endless choices and we shouldn't be so picky, which frankly made me feel like, great, neither of us is into the other person but we should both settle?! We have stayed in touch and we're better as friends.

@DippingAToeIn I think you would be better off using Feeld (app) or Fab Swingers (website) which are sites which are more open to casual/FB/FWB
Be clear on your profile what you are seeking and make sure you have boundaries.

I too had a sexual revolution when I split from my husband, it was a lot of fun and helped me grow as a person.

Happy to help with any questions you have

@2anddone tell him. Relationships are built on good communication and if you sometimes need time alone or don't feel comfortable being touched he's going to read that as either not fancying him or some psychological issue unless you explain in advance. Telling him you're feeling a bit burnt by your past and explaining that you might be a bit off at times for that reason shows respect for his feelings and self awareness, that's fantastic. It's very common as well, I bet loads of us feel like that post-divorce/pandemic/bereavement etc.

I felt the same going into a relationship last year, my first real one post-divorce. OLD makes me feel quite exposed and vulnerable: people already know so much about me by the time we meet, I don't want to put the bare minimum on my profile but I feel like I'm opening myself up to judgement in a way that makes me extra defensive and uncomfortable. The guy I dated was so lovely but I think he had a similar problem, he blew hot and cold a lot and while I could talk about how I felt he wasn't good at discussing emotions. I couldn't cope with his inconsistency and poor communication so I ended it. I still miss him.

@DippingAToeIn I had a wonderful physical fling with a single dad from my son's school post-divorce. It was then a nightmare because he got back with his wife and I had to see them every day - she was not my biggest fan! I hope you find someone with similar needs to you who can make you happy for a while.

I recommend Torture Garden for truly strings-free fun, it's not something I'd make a habit of myself but it's very liberating.

Thank you @WeveGotThis that's fantastic advice
I think I will mention it next time we chat, I felt so exposed and vulnerable we have spoken so much (10 hours in last 12 days) and text so much I felt like we had already made judgments about each other before we even met in the flesh

@Crazybengalcats no one can tell you how you feel.

You've had some bad relationships in the past - does this one feel similar to how the other ones started? Or does it feel different? Either way could be disconcerting! If you've had bad relationships that's a valid reason to be wary and nervous.

I don't know how you can tell if it's one of the other without therapy. Do you miss him when you're not with him? Honestly, if it were me I'd think I needed a bit more time by myself to figure out what I needed/wanted from life, which could mean slowing things down with the guy or breaking it off. It's hard to find someone who makes you feel so good but if the timing is wrong then you might risk resenting him if you don't do something to empower yourself while you feel like this. You're already saying you don't see yourself in a relationship so you might risk feeling trapped if you don't take some sort of action. If it's meant to be, hopefully it will be.

@WeveGotThis thanks, I do miss him sometimes, but maybe not as much as I've missed exes.

My past relationships have all moved very quickly and I always felt like I had no choice in it.

This guy, he's fine with slowing things down and just "light dating" as he called it, but I then end up feeling like there's no point. I sometimes can't be bothered seeing him and I feel like that's a bit of a red flag? Surely if I liked him enough, I'd want to see him regularly...

@2anddone glad it went well and sounds like you're both on the same page.

Still seeing The Gardener. I like him. Don't know if I like him a lot yet but he definitely likes me back and doesn't seem to be the sort of person to mess me around.

Saw him on Friday and felt pretty warm and fuzzy most of yesterday which I haven't really felt before with him. In fact, the time before, he stayed at mine and I was quite relieved when he left...but that's because I'm a grumpy cow who likes her space 😂

Managed my first date this evening … lovely bloke, lots of laughter and he’s suggested meeting up again next weekend. Not my usual type and talks even more than I do so I’ve said yes 😂

@Crazybengalcats this sounds like quite a healthy relationship. I don't know how exciting a healthy relationship is meant to be at the start though, and that's quite disconcerting if you're used to drama: I think I'm coming from a similar relationship background to you. I'm learning to trust my own instincts more and I'm truly not interested in arseholes any more, though it has taken me a while to get used to the idea that I will never have a love quite like the one I had with my husband again. Someone once told me 'grow in love, don't fall in love' which is what I keep coming back to.

If you could just boil it down to how you feel when you're with him, whether you like his company and fancy him, is there something there? Can you push through the boredom to create something worth having?

Congratulations, that's great! I hope it works out.

Amazing @HappyasLarrynot hope it goes well for you.

@Adateworsethandeath I think people put their best foot forward on dating sites. Sometimes it's location, exact job etc, how their lady relationship ended. I think age is quite a common one and it's because there's a lot of ageism. If it's pivotal then I would be annoyed, as in you're looking for someone to have children if you're a guy or whatever but otherwise a few years wouldn't bother me...what would is meeting someone who put up pictures taken 10 years ago and looked his real age when I met him..

Message on the free dating site today.

'I don't put women on a pedestal, you shit the same as we do. I'm speaking to more than 50 so you aren't anything special. So, tell me why I should bother talking to you?'

How romantic

HappyasLarrynot Well done! Lovely update.

Omg @NervesOfCotton how many replies do you think he had 🤣🤣

I will admit I like a funny profile blurb...the man I met yesterday had written something along the lines of men on death row can get women to marry them but he can't get one to meet him for a coffee!

Worst one I have seen so far is on bumble where it has a prompt question on someone's profile saying 'I'm hoping to....' and the man had put 'bed you' 🙄🙄🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

2anddone This was a private message, I won't be answering!

Loads like that on Bumble. 'Women apparently want a nice man but you don't or you'd talk to me' is a common one. Similar to yours

I saw a guy's profile on Bumble yesterday which said "I'm the real Mr Grey so if you can't handle that swipe left". Ew
Reader, I swiped left. 😂

Please can someone tell me what it means if a guy puts BDE! on their profile? I googled and it means big dick energy?? 🤦🏻‍♀️

@DippingAToeIn exactly that!

Ewwwwwwwwwww, instant swipe left

Men are disgusting 🤣🤣

Please don’t swipe right unless you want a photo of it 🤢