Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've been wondering if the art of conversation has got lost a bit with the internet, and then the pandemic and so many working from home jobs. I do know women who do this as well, it's not only men, I think maybe it's usually men in my experience because they're generally more confident and some really can't bear to be interrupted.

@Livelifelaughter I can so relate! I know so much about so many men, I wonder how many could tell you my job title?

@SamW98 you had a lucky escape if it was the same guy!

I had a guy mansplain feminism to me the other week. It's kind of ironic to assume you have to explain to a woman that women would like to be equal.

I'm sure there are women like this as well and I don't want to generalise I've just had a bad run I guess so my tolerance is super low. To be fair the guy yesterday was nervous I think and trying to impress me ..maybe a second date would be better but I just am not interested now and got the ick. He's been messaging all day wanting to meet again and is very keen ...I don't know what to say...I really hate this bit!

@queenofthedryshampoo

I think it’s best to just be honest and say you didn’t feel a spark and so you don’t want another date.

Any ambiguity or letting down gently often gets misconstrued. I also think ghosting after a date is really rude. Before you’ve met, it’s no biggie but afterwards I think a ‘thanks but no thanks’ message is needed.

Thank you x I will message him as he was a nice guy despite the two hour monologue haha . I should have done it straight away rather than avoiding it. Apps are all dire at the moment...as other posters have reflected it's so hard to get a conversation going with anyone..like pulling teeth.. I have another date Tuesday but if that doesn't go anywhere I'm having another break. I am content being single most of the time ..just would like a nice FWB and a bit of male company from time to time but it feels hard work at the moment.

I completely agree with this.

I sympathise, the let down is always uncomfortable. I'm sorry he gave you the ick. Reward yourself for it after, I reckon.

I can relate to what you said. January makes it so much worse though, I'll probably be perfectly happy to be on my own come June or July.

@WeveGotThis thank you. It looks like it's going to be just me and my heated blanket this winter!

@queenofthedryshampoo one guy said to me in a message " lovely meeting you blah blah, but being honest I don't feel we really clicked" I thought that was a really nice way of putting it. I felt the same, there's only so much I wanted to hear about his daughter's exam choices...oh and all his exes .

Another guy sent a message saying "I have met someone I am more attracted to" - well that was a shit way of saying something and I sort of told him so.

I have a theory that the vast majority of people in apps (esp men) are in some sort of liminal space, of wanting someone but not actually being ready or willing to do what that takes. And the nature of seemingly endless choices just keeps them stuck in that mindset. I know you can obviously be lucky and have to be in it to win it… I have no apps active now. However, I am way better at filtering now and much quicker at seeing the signs.

A shame about my latest too-far-away guy. He’s truly decent. He sent a message to say he’s a “useless f@ck” and that is dodged a bullet. Might just be a “it’s me not you” sentiment, but now when someone says anything like that about themselves, I believe them the first time and know I want better.

I’m quite enjoying my date-free January! Makes sticking to Dry January a lot easier and Frugal January more achievable as so few men actually pay for the drink they ask you out for these days (I know, I know, I shouldn’t expect it, but it’s nice on a first date, y’know?!)

@Crushed23

Im doing dry January as well and off the apps at mo as I’m moving in a couple of months plus got a couple of big girls weekends coming up so thought best to wait til I’m settled in my new place and not as busy before I put myself through it again.

I do agree it’s nice when they pay but like you it’s a nice to have rather than an expectation or an entitlement.

@SamW98 Good luck with the move!

Maybe your new location will throw up some interesting men on the apps if you decide to rejoin. 😉

I’m only moving to the next town about 10 miles away so I expect it’ll be the same collection of sex pests, players, bull shitters and general fuckwits that I’ve already seen 🤣🤣

@SamW98

Unless you have an incredibly small search radius, I'm guessing that moving 10 miles won't suddenly unlock loads of new potential men unfortunately... the men will be the same 😟

I have a theory that the vast majority of people in apps (esp men) are in some sort of liminal space, of wanting someone but not actually being ready or willing to do what that takes. And the nature of seemingly endless choices just keeps them stuck in that mindset

yeah i agree

I think that’s really interesting, as an “oldrt man” I ve been used to paying for most dates , but when I talk to some of younger people I work with ( of both genders), it’s completely different, there is no expectation that anyone will pay just based on gender alone

@RosieAway This is it, you've nailed it! Liminal space. It's why I've come off the apps. I've got to a point where I'm not valuing dates as much and the conversations with matches are all running into each other. I do not want to lower my standards or act desperate and I think too much choice does us no good.

I think there are a lot of commitment-phobes on apps and apps probably nurture that by encouraging addictive behaviour and letting us treat each other as if we're Top Trumps and disposable. App dating has taught me a lot but I feel emotionally healthier for having a break from it.

I don’t think it should be based on gender but it should be whoever asked who out.
Also if they bought the first drink then I tend to stick around long enough to buy a second drink unless it’s really dire but I find when I’ve bought the first drink some men don’t offer and leave me sat with an empty whilst they make theirs last.

Has anybody ever had somebody call them from Bumble? How does that work?

I'd literally just sent an opening message & about 2 seconds later my phone is beeping at me that the man is calling me!

Ok, so that's done!

He tried to call me 4 times in the space of about 3 mins!

I said to him that I don't want to instantly chat on the phone but I can text, & if we get along then we can chat later on the phone.

He said on but then called me again. I repeated 'I can't talk right now'.

He said ok & called again!

He then messaged asking 'Are you at work?' I said 'No' (pissed off at this point)

Then he says 'Then why can't you talk? You'd better be able to talk in a few minutes'.

I'd better?! Christ, what a weirdo! Unmatched & reported.

That was intense!

Hi all, just catching up again. Still not been back on apps since Oct last year and am actually enjoying the peace its bringing - no overthinking and no being messed about.

Still keeping my eyes open when out in the wild but that's it for me.

Christ @NervesOfCotton that's a bullet dodged 😳

Slothmomma I know, it was quite terrifying tbh! Like he thought that if he called enough, I'd just give in & chat to him!

I'm glad you are happy, always nice to hear!

@NervesOfCotton heck - that’s so weird. Hope you’re ok?

I'm fine thank you HappyasLarrynot

I didn't even realise there was a call feature on there. I quite like it, if you want to chat without giving your number out, but NOT the way he used it! That was just WTF!