Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife. On this site, you can still see that they've read your message (or not) after you have blocked them.

The reaction to 'Would you like to arrange a coffee meet or a walk or something, if things continue to go well?'

Tells me all I need to know!

@NervesOfCotton

Im like you not into penpals. If I just want people to chat to thats what my friends are for.

Anyone who pushes back on meeting without a good reason I find is always a time waster

I've some times had to say ‘really sorry but I’ve already got something booked next weekend, how about the following one’ and I accept they might also have plans but to just say no to meeting up - it’s a delete for me.

thas Correct, we re connected after 2 months apart ( I guess she she can’t get enough of old men )

NoDatingFor0ldMen

i had an Inkling you would get back together
onwards and upwards I hope

im single as a nun these days
im only in the thread for the craic

however i did get the great satisfaction of my previous ex cave man returning , and ghosting him back (aka not even reading the messages )

yes , see how it feels cave man 👻
maybe I’ll read them one day
maybe I won’t
the cycle is broken

thanks,
I cannot lie and say it’s been easy going, but we are making it work.
I think alot of that is just down to attitude and thinking about the future gains.

Cave man? I’m guessing there’s a story there.

What were the original things that weren’t right? Or were you happy and it was she who called it off? I remember something about she is generally a very busy person with her job?

SamW98 I did say (Yesterday) that I'm not free until Wednesday earliest, but he acted like I'd said 'Come & meet me right this second'

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife
She was having work & health & family issues all at once ( I didn’t know about the health issues), and she called it off with me rather than lean on me for help & that’s still a bit of an issue really (for me at least)

Hello, I’m new (pretty sure have been here ages ago though) and am struggling!

After an emotionally abusive, love-bomby, extremely awful on/off relationship with someone, I did a lot of work on myself given it wasn’t my first abusive experience.

I met someone online who was totally different! We got each other like I’ve never experienced before. Met up for two long dates and had multiple 3-5hr phone calls. Went slow, no kissing or sex chat. Very respectful. He seemed to be into me - said I was incredibly beautiful, funny etc and really opened up emotionally. Helped me through a crisis. I wasn’t immediately attracted but it was building. Thought this is IT.

But we live almost 3hrs away. I didn’t care as would prioritise a connection. He seemed to be willing to try when we spoke about it. Then came the excuses about not being able to meet and changed plans etc… I asked outright if he’d had a change of heart. He wrote a really nice message about the distance being insurmountable, his finances low etc. I was pretty shocked. And hurt. I said so. He apologised again, said it was distance.

I feel rejected. We had such a good connection. I’m guessing he’s emotionally avoidant or just not that into me?

@RosieAway I’d say three hours away is too too far. You are never going to be part of someone’s life at that distance unless someone moves. Plus you only met twice. Part of the long distance thing is evident, you say you had multiple 3-5 hour phone calls. That’s not a connection, that’s phone calls because you’re too far away to actually meet. Put your distance as much much less next time you go on the apps.

And (this is not specifically aimed at you, it’s just an observation) when someone says a three hour gap is too far, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ‘emotionally avoidant’, it might just mean he thought ‘three hours? Fuck that shit’. Just because someone has their limits with what they are and aren’t happy with in a dating partner and these limits do not match with yours ie a three hour gap (three hours each way? So a 6 hour round trip?) it does not mean there is anything wrong with him.

I’d have a break, get on the apps again and try to meet someone half an hour away. Or more. Half an hour away is really close! But definitely not three hours away.

Hi RoaieAway I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Sending you hugs.

It could actually be that he thought the distance was 'do-able' on his side but then realised that it wasn't.
Or it could be anything else, but the hardest part about all of this (OLD) is trying to dust yourself off & realise that you put yourself out there in the first place, & that's incredibly difficult, & for whatever reason, this one wasn't the one for you.

Try to be kind to yourself.

RosieAway

to be fair he might have well really liked you

but he’s old enough to know that long distance doesn’t work for him

try to not take it to heart , it probably went on for longer than it should have and you caught feelings and you are human x

Agree with the others. Maybe rather than being avoidant or not into you, the distance between as just too much and after a couple of dates he realised it wasn’t practical.

Tbh that would be way too far for me. The last guy I dated was an hour away (but other side of river) and I used to absolutely hate driving home on the bloody M25.

I set my maximum distance to about an hour and I always said that in my profile.

I know it’s crap when you like someone but don’t take it to heart. Take a break and try again closer to home.

Hi, I'm new here. Been OLD for about 6 months now and I've logged out for a bit. I need a break!

I just broke up with someone this evening, Mr Allwork (and no play), after 3 dates. He's kind, handsome, intelligent, and he would text me once a day when he got out of work, and often not again after that, never called, didn't ask about my schedule and was generally too busy to meet me. I think I was lower on his priority list than his dental hygienist. We got on pretty well in person but I arranged all of our dates. When he invited me over he didn't tidy or think about what to cook for me, just got something out the freezer. I'm not looking for a stalker but I need to know the other person is at least bothered, right?!

Someone bought me flowers on a first date once! Mr Actor had so many similar interests to me it was freakish. On our only date he talked for four hours straight and asked me maybe three questions all evening, none of which were about our shared interests and one of which was 'how are you?'. He got quite upset talking about his ex-wife's new boyfriend at one point. I could not get a word in, I may as well mot have been there. Though we'd agreed to just meet for a post-work coffee he told me he'd booked a hotel in town so he could stay out late, so I felt pressured into staying a couple of hours longer than I wanted to and he still got disappointed that I left at 10. Worst date of my life, but they were M&S flowers so my living room looked lush for a week, which I can't complain about.

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife thank you, that’s helpful. Well it was actually 2.5hrs, haha. He accidentally slipped through, my distance setting is really tight, probably happened while travelling I think. I’d never normally consider such a distance but it’s worked in the past when I really liked someone. He is 47 and has never been married, had kids or even a long relationship - that’s why I thought avoidant. Would clam up if I said anything nice.
But yes, no point analysing him anyway. Wish I’d handled it better… he’d wanted to keep it going as friends and I said no, and didn’t hold back on how I felt. Since apologised but he’s not read the message. Ah well.

@NervesOfCotton @Thisisworsethananticpated @SamW98 thank you. Yes I should just try to take him at his word I guess. It was a right pain trying to meet and he seemed at the max stress-wise. I just think meeting someone you really gel with is worth it, even if it’s just weekends or so until you decide to take it further. The fact we didn’t get to even see still grates. But yep, for the best. ANOTHER lesson learned. Thank you x

He got quite upset talking about his ex-wife's new boyfriend at one point. I could not get a word in, I may as well mot have been there

oh dear oh dear oh dear

i shouldn’t laugh but 🙈😂
Curious if he ever gets anyone

Oh god, men who bore on about themselves and show little or no interest in you. Who answer your questions but don't ask any back. Probably the reason for 90% of my unmatching them at the initial OLD messaging stage. I don't even bother saying bye or telling them why now, just hit the unmatch button.

@WeveGotThis

I was messaged on OLD by an actor but he didn’t appeal to me so I never replied. Wonder if it’s same one

Or the ones who try and lecture you - I’m a grown up mate I don’t need life coaching from a random internet man.

I went on a date last year with a man who talked non stop with his mouth full about himself. If I actually got a word in he interrupted and turned the conversation back to him.
The one and only time I never offered a contribution to the bill - that free dinner was my payment for being bored to death

I'm a long time lurker but just de-lurking in solidarity re men who just bore on about themselves. I think every date I had last year did this uurghh
I had a date yesterday with a guy who seemed really promising...nice, easy texts, funny, lots in common, he booked a pub meal (would normally just meet for a coffee first but he seemed so nice and funny). I sat for literally 2 hours while he gave me a completely unprompted blow by blow account of his entire work history in minute detail...it felt like he was attending an interview with me. He was bigging himself up so much as well. Towards the end he asked me a couple of questions but before I could open my mouth just started talking about himself again. And yes the mansplaining...telling me about stuff relating to my area of work.
The date before, by the end, I knew all about the guy's neighbour's sister's friend's taste in food but he didn't even know what work I did apart from vague job title on my profile because he didn't ask me a single question or listen to anything I said. I'm not a shy person and capable of holding my own but I've got to point I just give up trying to make the conversation two way and just end date as soon as I politely can. I despair at finding a man who is genuinely interested in me and my life and not just looking for a generic woman they can talk at and mansplain to.

Or the ones who try and lecture you

try Dating an English Teacher 😂😂😂

And I would be admonished for using a capital D for dating and T for Teacher, but not capital T for try, so should read

Try dating an English teacher

@queenofthedryshampoo I had a date over Christmas with a guy who literally told me about his daughter's A level choices, course at university; how she had selected it...it went on and on and on. I felt that he probably had friends in the same boat so couldn't tell them in case they bored each other so he just off loaded on to me.