Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@NervesOfCotton that's exactly what he said when he told me he was meeting her. He said that he had only had 4 matches since joining over Christmas so didn't want to not meet her in case we weren't right together in real life when we meet up.
We chat about everything so it wouldn't surprise me if we don't decide to date then we end up as friends instead...I am already a bit nervous we have already friend zoned each other through some of our chats!

2anddone You just need to meet him really, as when you are chatting to somebody like this, I think it's easy to 'Friend zone'.

I wouldn't tell the man though, if I was going on other first dates.
I suppose he's being honest, it just makes me think is he saying it to keep you on your toes kind of thing?
I don't know, & I'm aware I probably sound like a hypocrite here

my only one that ever progressed to a second date, I didn't go on the APPS or date anybody else after our date one, as I really liked him.

@NervesOfCotton I am meeting him a week today. If I like him I definitely wouldn't go on any of the apps etc after...I do like talking to him and there is definitely a spark there just hoping it translates when we are in actual person!

Treezylover

you have not been an idiot

he’s emotionally unavailable and is a scared wee man
it’s literally just that
he’s used your ex as an excuse but he enjoyed that intimacy and is shit scared of the pain if he loses it again
hence he’s running away

let him be , and don’t blame yourself

LittleFloatingGhost

try to remember that broken hearts are a universal pain
I’ve had to be very stoic and it’s tough as

everyone wonders ‘will I connect with someone again ‘
eveything thinks ‘will I ever have the same chemistry again ‘

I know it rough but you basically have to tough it out and know that in time the pain will abate

im sorry though as it’s tough !

@LittleFloatingGhost

Irs shit isn’t it when you meet someone you like and there’s a dealbreaker.

Although I only saw Mr GA a couple of times I remember clearly the words he used and my heart sinking knowing I couldn’t continue knowing that fact.

It’s a huge cliche but time is the healer. Definitely take a break from dating while you get your head in the right place and in time you’ll remember him fondly but as a distant memory.

Thank you @Thisisworsethananticpated , kind and wise words. Part of me thinks this is why we end up staying in unsatisfactory relationships too long- because looking for the perfect one is just too scary, and hard.

2anddone

tbh id find it very fucking off if someone I’m chatting to was telling me about their other dates !
its like mate , I’m a potential date here

not your confidante

personally I’d go off someone for that !
he doesn’t need to share that information

Im assuming he’s fairly new to OLD

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes he is (signed up 20th dec) as am I (signed up NYE).
Honestly don't know why he was telling me...starting to wonder if it was to put me off. Not heard from him hardly at all today (only first thing) he went a bit funny last night while we were messaging when I said I didn't drink because I was on tablets for vertigo maybe he has been put off and was hoping for someone who could be a drinking partner!

2anddone How did you react when he told you? Maybe he was wanting you to ask him if you could be the only one or something?! I'm not sure how I'd of reacted if a man said it to me, but it would definitely make me think twice about him.

Another one here who thinks telling a potential date about other dates isn’t the done thing until you’re ready to have the intimacy/exclusive chat

It’s a bit don’t ask don’t tell imo until you’re a few dates in.

And I’ll be honest, when a man does that, it feels like they’re playing you into being part of a pick me game to compete for him .

The only saving Grace I think is you’ve said he’s new to OLD and probably doesn’t yet know how to play the game

SamW98 Yeah that's it isn't it, most of us are probably chatting to/meeting more than one for first dates but we don't mention it.

I've had it the other way, men turn up to a first date announcing that they've deleted everything because they 'know' that we will get along, & I don't like that either!

God I am too old for games!!
He came across as apologetic in the texts and said he just wanted to be honest.
I told him that it made sense to go meet her to see if she is his person as we might not have a spark in person....but I hoped he liked me better. He said he hadn't spoken to her on the phone only via bumble message but she asked if he wanted a coffee and he agreed.
I think he is quite insecure...he said he only has 7 people liked him and only 4 message so he didn't want to pass up meeting her in case we didn't work out and then he had no matches at all!!

Hi, I'd like some advice please. I was chatting to a guy on Hinge for 2 days last week, the conversation was going good, then i heard nothing for 4 days.
He popped up today and asked "What was I upto tonight?"
I haven't replied yet because I thought it was rude of him not to message me for 4 days after I replied to his last message.
Any advice appreciated thanks x

I’ve had a couple of men say they only talk to one woman at a time and so expect the same back - sorry but I’m not being told what to do from the off.

I had one idiot who seemed really nice for a couple of days - don’t they all - throw a wobbly when I went out on NYE last year with friends which I told him about. He told me if I’d spoken to any men that night that was it for him and he wouldn’t tolerate it - yep he got immediately unmatched

I’m a cynic but my first thought would be he had another date planned which has fallen through so you’re his back up plan.

I certainly wouldn’t be jumping to respond to a man who can’t be arsed to message for 4 days that early on.

Sunnysky321 If it was me, I'd delete & not bother with him anymore. I wouldn't leave it 4 days with no contact either, I've left it a week before but that's when something has been said about being busy or whatever, & even then, after the week, I deleted.

Sounds to me like he was chatting to other(s) & now that's fallen through, he's come back to you.

2anddone Your last paragraph, I get it, it's basically what I said earlier, but I'd still question why he told you. Ok, he's new to OLD but he's still an adult (well they don't act very adult do they)

@NervesOfCotton they really don't...I am a childminder I don't need man children in evenings and weekends too 🤣

2anddone I hear you

Yeah, I'll delete him thanks 😊

Hello! New to OLD and this thread and joining in as my previous taste in men turned out to be poor, and I recognise I need higher standards. I've been single just over a year and happy with my life now, but dipping my toe into this.

Met Mr S today for coffee and we also decided to go on to a gallery. Nice time, great conversation. But ..he looks really thin, actually gaunt face, which doesn't really appeal. How to nicely ask if there's a reason for this?

@Adateworsethandeath I wouldn't ask!

I've had my first date, nice guy but sadly, very different lifestyle so that was it.

@User990 you're right, I can't ask yet. We are talking about another date. I do need to learn to slow down a bit and not just jump in there.

Mr S is my 3rd attempt.

Number 1 was sweet but turned up in very grubby jeans so that was a nope for not making even minimum effort. And he was very unfit and a little bit, um, thick.

Number 2 got as far as a video call. He might as well have been wearing a t-shirt that read 'i am married' it was so obvious. I messaged him afterwards challenging him on this and he deleted his profile 😆

Ok so I have heard from him, he has been out all day at work and with his kids (early twenties) we have been texting for the last hour.
He has cancelled tomorrow's coffee with the other lady...is this a good sign??
Or was there never any coffee in the first place who knows