Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

SamW98 I know! It's just not needed for a first date.
I'm a bit awkward at the best of times, add in nerves, & if probably be bashing them into the walls & stuff as I tried to hold them in a 'lady-like' way

When are you meeting this top catch? 🤣🤣

I admit I’m not a hearts and flowers sort of girl. Even as a kid I was more of a Wednesday Addams than a Disney Princess. I’ve always said I’m a goth trapped inside my Essex girl exterior 🤣

Im still off the apps. I’m moving to a different town - though only 10 miles away - in the next couple of months so no point until I’m settled again. I’m also doing dry January so don’t want to put temptation in my way plus it’s too bloody cold to get dressed up for a date. I’d rather hibernate in my dressing gown

I would hate it if a guy bought me flowers on a first date. They don’t know me, so it feels disingenuous. Like a tick box exercise. If he buys me flowers I want it to be because he really wants to, for me as an individual, not just for the sake of it. I get it’s a gesture of effort but I like my effort to be more personal

the man I’m seeing at the moment bought me a kitkat on our first date as we had a random joke about them whilst chatting. That meant far more to me than generic flowers

Flowers a no although a long term partner did do this on our first date! But i do think someone should want to impress a bit and offer to pay something. One doesnt need to be a freeloader but at the same time, at least offer to pay

I agree. It’s a box ticking gesture imo. If we’ve been chatting for a week or so and they want to bring a gift, find something in our chats that’s personal.

I dated a guy a few years back and I’d told him my lights had blown and I’d run out of lightbulbs so sitting in dark til shops open tomorrow. First date he bought me a wine glass shaped as a lightbulb - cheap and cheerful but I liked that he’d listened and put a bit of thought into something I would see the funny side of.

With her attitude I'm surprised she had any first dates at all, let alone first dates with nice men who she binned! Guessing she must have been stunning for men to put up with that crap.

You can't have it both ways... pleading poverty because you're a carer to your disabled son, but spending heaps on salons, clothes and treatments! You seem to be looking for a sugar daddy!

Funny but my former friend who never takes her purse on date and yet expected expensive restaurants every time and would cancel if the place he booked didn’t meet her standards is now late 50’s and her longest ever relationship is 18 months.

Yet she still refuses to accept her standards are ridiculous and in her eyes it’s the men who are the issue.

I’m not pleading poverty? I just said I don’t have the income that the people I date do. I have income from my Dad as I can’t work due to my caring responsibilities. Not that it matters.

Certainly not looking for a sugar daddy! Just because my date picks up the bill for dinner. God… what an inference..

Hi can I join you please?
Single 10 years, joined bumble on NYE and have started talking to a couple of men on there.
Meeting one next weekend, I am SO nervous!! We have spoken on the phone and it was great, laughed loads, chatted for over an hour and a half, spend time each day texting back and forward....I think there is a spark there. We are meeting under a clock at a train station (cliche I know but it's a joke from when we were chatting) what if we look at each other and just think no or if conversation doesn't flow as easily in person!
God I am too old for this

It sounds really positive so far! Good for you!

@2anddone sounds fab!! Good luck and here’s the flowers so he doesn’t need to bring any 💐 😂

@SamW98 I couldn’t believe that I accidentally swiped him left, not paying for the chance to rethink so I guess I’ve missed my chance 😂

Oh god @HappyasLarrynot I hope he doesn't bring me flowers...I won't know where to put them and will probably pick all the petals off through nerves

Sooo glad someone asked for this post, am in desperate need of it- can I join? I’m in a meltdown and need some perspective.

had been dating someone on/off for 18 months and wrongly kept trying to make it work- good guy, wanted to do better, etc, gave him the benefit of the doubt despite knowing in my heart the relationship was making me sad and was incredibly hard work.

ended it finally in early December, although spoke ever so often. He was disappointed, I was relieved tbh.

a friend encouraged me to look what was out there so very briefly had a scroll and saw someone I’d fancied a few years ago. Ended up matching and chatting. We’re both child free next day so met for a drink, which I didn’t expect to go anywhere but just saw as something to do.

however we immediately got on incredibly well, didn’t stop chatting and laughing. His train was cancelled and he ended up staying at mine, stayed until the next evening and we filled the day with the things it turned out we both loved doing. Not a minute of awkwardness, just fun and affection and laughter.

was absolutely the tonic I needed.

didn’t stop texting each other all week, met last weekend and had another perfect date just walking, talking, cuddling and laughing. Really candid open, deep conversations. He repeatedly said it was what he was looking for (without getting carried away about commitment etc, not red flaggy at all) and I talked about how wrong my last relationship was, and how meeting him had just confirmed how easy it could be with another person.

left with plans to meet in the week and this weekend. Within a few hours of me leaving he sent me a message saying he was scared that it was too soon after my ex and he was feeling too anxious about it all. Tried to reassure him (I guess in my head that relationship was over a long time ago), but he was out.

and it feels RIDICULOUS because this was a whirlwind over a week, but I’m absolutely gutted and can’t stop thinking about him.

there is no moral to this story except don’t be an idiot like me. At some point I’ll be back into it, but right now this feels very very rough!

Aw @Treezylover that sounds difficult. Be kind to yourself abd hopefully you'll feel better soon.

Thank you @LuckyLinda3, I’m sure if I had the stamina to trawl through these threads I’m sure I’d see plenty more anticipation and disappointment- I don’t envy anyone who remains an eternal optimist and romantic like myself, you get battered a lot!

Thanks for Treezylover I went thro something similar but it carried on for 6 months. I don’t get men 🤷‍♀️ Hope you get over it quickly, he wasnt for you, and find someone worthy of you. Tricky to know how much to guard our hearts right. X

@Treezylover I think if he's into you it's very likely he could backtrack on his backtracking and could contact you again soon! What would you do then?

Hey there, looking for some words for of wisdom and techniques to get over Mr Beer.

We dated for three months, met weekly, messaged daily and he made me incredibly happy. We just got each other, loved his company and he made me laugh all of the time. I loved hearing from him, could see him meeting my kids etc.

Just after Christmas he shared something with me which was a deal breaker. We took time to discuss but apparent that this would not change. I ended things - he understood.

I unmatched this week with him on Hinge and paused all apps, deleted his number and messages.

I am so upset! Definitely developed feelings for him. This is the first person since I have been single that I have connected with but dealbreaker was just that and I couldn’t continue knowing what that meant for me long term.

I am naturally a busy person and know this will take time. Anything else you can suggest that I haven’t already done?

Thanks - sorry to de-rail from the flower chat on first dates! 😂

@LittleFloatingGhost thats really rough, I am channelling a lot of the Do You F*cking Mind? Podcast - would recommend it if you’ve had to draw hard boundaries.

also- imagine if you had gone further down the road with it. I’ve just done 18 months with someone because I didn’t draw those lines, and not only has it caused him more pain in the end, but it’s blocked me from getting something that was better matched.

is there any chance your feelings about the dealbreaker could change?

LittleFloatingGhost Well you didn't tell us if he bought you flowers

Be kind to yourself, it will take you a while to feel 'Ok' again. Deal breakers are difficult aren't they, but I suppose they tell us that everything wasn't quite perfect, & it will be hard to see now, but it's better for it to be over now, than further down the road. Sending hugs.xxx

Sending hugs @LittleFloatingGhost this is my worry is that I will get hurt it's taken me ages to get to the point where I am brave enough to try dating again!
Random question...have any of the people you are meeting up with been honest and told you that they are either meeting or messaging other people?
The man I have been chatting to this week (we have now swapped numbers and have talked over 4 hours since Wednesday and text constantly) told me last night he is meeting someone for coffee Sunday (we don't meet up until next weekend) apparently they matched on Monday he hasn't messaged her back since our first conversation Wednesday night but she text yesterday asking if he would like to meet for coffee Sunday.
He said he wanted to be honest with me but also doesn't not want to go in case us meeting up doesn't work out for any reason....now it's making me wonder if I should go for coffee with the man who would like to meet me Wednesday just in case!
What would you all do?

@Treezylover unfortunately not. Would mean a significant compromise on my part and I wasn’t prepared to do that.

@NervesOfCotton no man has ever bought me flowers on a date and I would be a little 🙄 if they did 😂

@2anddone I haven’t had feelings for someone for a long time, so it definitely took me by surprise. I wasn’t in love with him but felt it was likely to happen at some point as I had all of the feels. To your point about multi-dating and them sharing this- probably not my experience. What I found is that people always say “I am out with a friend”, who remains nameless.

I multi-dated too but wouldn’t tell them. If I was sleeping with someone I would only date that person, but can’t assume they’re doing the same, or still talking to people.

2anddone It's a difficult one for me. I did have chats going & then dates with 2 men in one week once & I found it quite difficult as I worried I'd say the wrong thing to the wrong one etc!

I don't think there's anything wrong with it when things are in the very early stages of just first meets.

I personally don't get many matches with people who I'd actually like to meet so it seems a bit self-sabotage I guess to stop chatting to one, just to have a first date that might not work out with another.

I know others view it differently though, I'd say just do what works for you.