Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Late 2022 I went on 4 dates and only 1 was a bit funny about me paying where they wanted to pay 50%. It didn't really cause a problem but it did make me consider the dynamic on future dates.
Early 2023 I got taken for a mug with paying for everything!
Thankfully my partner of 6 months is really balanced about how we spend money 😊

@LabradorOwner9 paying on the first date was not welcomed by you or the woman?

Sometimes if the man pays it can lead to a situation where they (or the woman) feel something is owed. Easier to pay 50/50 but my first dates/meets are always a coffee, so whatever the cost it’s never much. Petrol and parking are the main cost.

The vast majority of dates I’ve been on the man has always offered to pay. I will always offer to contribute, sometimes they accept and others they say ‘no this is on me’ but either way there’s never been any issues.

I tend to only go for coffee or drinks anyway so it’s usually paying as we go.

The only exception I had was a guy who sat on his hands and let me pay without offering a penny. He didn’t second date 🤣

Tbh I’ve never been one for expecting a man to pay even back in my younger days If they do it’s nice but I would never expect it or make a judgement on them.

I actually think I want to have the 1st date paid for. I used to be really on the 50/50 side but just met loads of freeloaders (mentally and financially). Im financially secure but i want someone equally so. I think when someone offers to pay, its gentlemanly and reflects well on them. I'd only go 50/50 now if I didn't want to meet again.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife I never really know how to do half, Like you say if it's coffee then it's not going to cost much, do you pay half on your card & leave half left to pay for them? (Not specifically asking you, just wondering!)

I do, generally, let the man pay if we go for coffee & he offers, but if there's a 2nd coffee I always insist on that one.

The only one where we actually went for 'proper' dates, (dinner, bowling) I paid for all of his parking just because he didn't have change the first time, & I shoved the money in the machine the second time as he was a 'I like to pay for everything' & I at least wanted to pay my way a little!

I once had a date who travelled 70 miles to meet me then insisted on paying for coffee but they didn't take card so I quickly got my purse out, but it kind of soured the date as he kept worrying about it, saying he needed to pay me back, & even tried to go to the cash machine to pay me, even though I pointed out he'd paid to travel to me.

I only ever go for coffee or drinks for the first date as I want a chance to talk and find dinner and/or activities break the flow of chat. So it’s easy to pay for each drink as we go. They always get the first one then I get the second.
I’ve had a couple of dates where they insisted on paying and that’s absolutely fine but I think women should always offer something not just sit with their purse in the bag waiting for him to pay. That’s entitled imo

@SamW98 definitely entitled. I’ve seen some women online who expect dinner, taxi, some activity, completely outrageous.

My personal preference for a drink is more that I can sometimes know immediately that it’s not something I want to pursue, so neither of us waste too much time and effort on each other.

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife

Oh yes there is that reason as well. I learned very quick after my second ever date from OLD was dinner with the worlds most boring man who talked about himself non stop - with his mouth full - and constantly interrupted me to turn the conversation back to him.

Since then it’s been coffee/drinks during daytime as first date so it’s pretty casual and easy to say no to another drink.

I used to have a friend who would only go on dates if the man booked a nice (expensive) restaurant and never took her debit card on dates as she believed it was her right to be paid for. But tbh she came on nights out with us girls and ‘forgot’ her cards so think she was just a tight arse - hence on longer a friend.

I also used to be friends with somebody who insisted on a 'Fancy' restaurant for a first date (& he had to bring flowers & pay for taxi, meal & drinks after. If he failed on any one of these then she wouldn't see him again)

I was lucky with my one 'dinner as a first date' as it went well
My preference is definitely for a walk/coffee though. Those are my favorite first dates

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife my friend expects all that from any date - she always gets dinner/full on romance at every first date! She sees herself as high value and worth it. The type of men who like her see her as a prize (she's gorgeous though). I think there is a happy medium there. I love walks etc but i think a man offering to pay for a few things here and there, then you pay for other stuff is really nice.

I always go for a Saturday afternoon date now if possible as had several ‘omg get me out of here now’ encounters via OLD so I find a couple of coffees or drinks is easier to make excuses from than dinner or an evening date.

Plus I can go for a mooch round shops afterwards and the day isn’t completely wasted 🤣

SamW98 Yeah I like daytime dates for that. I went & got my hair done after one of mine ended much quicker than I'd hoped that it would

Happy New Year to you all. I am still on my break from dating. I have realised I really do need a lot thicker skin than I have to date. Rejection is hard to deal with as I take it quite personally and I have been doing a lot of work this last year to try and switch my mindset to a more positive place if this happens. It’s getting better, but I don’t feel I am there enough yet.
Not helped by me having to see the last guy who dated then ditched me flirting with his new interest. I keep telling myself it says more about him than me, but it’s hard sometimes.

Another fab username ineednooki50 😂

Update on my love life.

My American (been talking to for about 19 months) still not come to see me. We talk a lot on Skype. I adore him but he has so many self-esteem issues that prevent him from coming and developing this relationship.

Mr Derby. Came for the weekend and he wined and dined me again. We spent a lot of time in bed but didn’t have actual sex yet. He is not in a rush to do anything. He wants to take his time he said. I find it a bit peculiar. He appears to totally adore me though and it’s nice attention. We are both busy this coming weekend so I won’t see him till the weekend of the 20th when I am hosting a pub crawl so he will meet my friends! Is that too soon?

No other men. I came off the apps as I was getting overwhelmed and felt I had my hands full when Derby man was here but now he’s gone and mr America is still in situ, I am considering finding a third man…

Re paying for stuff. I never pay. If a man expected me to pay for meal/drinks then we wouldn’t go out again. This doesn’t suit everyone and that’s fine. I do however leave the tip as I always have cash in my purse and I pay my own expenses. I always think, I have spent a lot of money before the date even starts with salon expenses, clothes etc.

I find Christmas/January really tough at times, I'm getting a bit sick of dating the wrong people and I just want someone to do hygge stuff with.

I don't like it when a man insists on paying for everything as it feels like a power struggle, like an objectification/ownership thing. I've had men offer to send me money on a dating app before. I'm not a total knob, either, if I can guess your income and it's not stratospheric then I won't be ordering extra courses I don't need at dinner or expecting diamonds on my birthday. But I also don't like when a man is tight, when he hands me the bill for my half of dinner without discussion or says no to a second game of bowling or whatever. I think we've all got to be realistic about what we can afford, and I like when both parties are contributing on dates. The higher earner should expect to have to pay a bit more in general, unless both parties are happy staying in a lot.

She expected flowers on a first date? Wtf! Seriously, the only men who would do this are creeps aren't they? And she must have had a very high failure rate as it's a very unusual things for a man to do!

You seriously get a new dress for every first date you go on? And have a special salon appointment beforehand?! I don't think that's normal, or necessary... Especially when you consider that most first dates turn into anything significant.

No of course not. But I spend a lot of money each month on salons and my clothes and makeup are nice too. It all costs money doesn’t it? Is the guy I am dating spending money on clothes and bikini waxes? No.

I see first dates as a meet up rather than anything deep and so buying each other a drink or a coffee is pretty standard. I’ve never been of the mindset that a man SHOULD pay - personally i think that’s entitled and grabby. I believe in setting out expectations and boundaries from day one and being an equal partner is a priority to me. I would feel ashamed to sit there and expect him to foot the bill without saying a word. Yes most men do pay but to not even attempt to offer - no that’s just rude imo.

Anyone that dates me knows that I am on a low income due to being a carer for my disabled son. The man I am dating has a very good job and a lot of real estate. I am no less equal just because he gets the bill for our bloody tacos. As I said, I leave the cash tip as a gesture.

harerunner She used to tell them beforehand, what she expected. And she genuinely didn't have 2nd dates with a few really lovely ones, just because they failed either the flowers or something else on her (ridiculous) list.

BUT, after all that, the last I heard she'd been with her partner 5 years (I met him, he seemed nice)

Personally, liking to go for a walk on a date, I'd feel like a bit of an idiot walking around holding a bunch of flowers

@NervesOfCotton

I have to be honest if a man turned up on a date with flowers I’d struggle not to laugh. I’d find it really cheesy.