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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 15:12

Sounds like she is done to me

MissChanandlerB0NG · 02/11/2023 15:14

Getting married won't fix the problems you have in your relationship. If anything it'll make things way more complicated.

I would hold fire for now. I appreciate you care for her deeply but you should spend your life with someone who feels the same for you.

category12 · 02/11/2023 15:19

I don't think you should be with someone who's horrible to be around on a regular basis.

If it is something that could be managed by medication or hormone therapy, then if she were committed to engaging with treatment, maybe consider sticking around.

But largely, if you're treated badly often by your partner, don't marry them, leave.

Littlefish · 02/11/2023 15:24

Why would you even being considering marrying someone you can say this about...

"she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing."

This isn't going to improve. It's only likely to get worse.

Do your kids live with you?

Pinkbonbon · 02/11/2023 16:03

You can't marry someone who is nasty about your children.

Where's your sense of loyalty mate? Her arse should have been out the door the second she started badmouthing your kids.

And don't give us that 'but I love her' bullshit.
She's an arsehole. Love yourself. Show her the door.

Don't waste your life with someone who has a serious attitude problem. Both female and male Abusers like to use the 'woe is me my past was terrible' line as an excuse to be horrible people. But it really isn't.

Return the ring, show her the door and do the freedom programme online. Hopefully that will stop you picking a similar headcase and inviting them into your and your kids life in future.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/11/2023 16:04

She sounds awful.
I’m a male victim of domestic violence - get out before her behaviour deteriorates further.

Apossum · 02/11/2023 16:06

It’s very strange that you want to tie yourself to this absolute nightmare for life. You need to leave her, not bloody marry her.

orangegato · 02/11/2023 16:07

RUN do not walk. She’s rude ungrateful and nasty about your children. Do not marry this woman. Not sure what more anyone can say but it’s the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.

Rania78 · 02/11/2023 16:12

Hmmm….why do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? She sounds quite abusive to me. I wouldn’t want such a horrible person around my kids let alone when she is mean to them.
With all the respect, maybe you need some counseling to understand why you want to be around such a horrible person?
Please leave her for the shake of you kids. You should be with someone who loves them.

Cheesandcrackers · 02/11/2023 16:19

Definitely throw this one back. Nothing else to say.

Justcallmebebes · 02/11/2023 16:19

Why would you marry someone who is nasty to your children and dislikes them?

Purpleraiin · 02/11/2023 16:19

She sounds abusive in some ways. Could she have an undiagnosed mental health condition given the past trauma??
I'm not judging by the way, I'm 5 years in with someone recently diagnosed with BPD and can admit he's been abusive in the past during episodes and i stuck around, but it took me a very long time to be able to admit that to myself and do something about it. So do you yourself see certain behvaiours of hers as abusive?

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 16:26

She sounds totally and utterly revolting. Why on earth do you love her? I would definitely NOT marry her, dump her and get some therapy for why you don't think you deserve better than this. Do NOT expose your children any more to this vile woman.

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 16:28

You can't just use having a difficult chlldhood as an excuse to be a total arsehole

Wwwnothingdotcom · 02/11/2023 16:28

She is done but doesn't want to be the one breaking up

VeridicalVagabond · 02/11/2023 16:28

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl woman? She sounds horrible. First time someone was nasty about my kid they'd be out the fucking door too.

Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult or trying you know. Especially out of high school where this sort of nonsense behaviour can at least be blamed on hormone tsunamis and lack of experience.

Catsafterme · 02/11/2023 16:34

Don't do it, as much as you may think you love her, this isn't love. I made this mistake when I was younger with my stbxw.

I brushed over the moods, angry outbursts and the hot and cold treatment, I didn't know what it was and we got married, had kids.

It didn't get better it got worse she was highly abusive, controlling and manipulative mostly to me but also the children and family.

Now she's gone awol, weaponized and withholding the children and trying to throw me and everyone else under the bus to maintain control and become a victim.

You are here questioning it because something isn't sitting right. Trust your gut, she's treating you like shit and would likely do the same to your children.

Sittingonabench · 02/11/2023 16:36

Assuming this is the result of trauma and not just her personality - It sounds like she needs to engage with therapy and figure herself out a bit. I don’t think it would be the best idea to get engaged until she has truly engaged with this for herself (her doing it for you would be a bad idea). Shorter term you need to really think if you want to commit to supporting her as this will likely be a life long journey for her

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/11/2023 16:47

Why on earth would you want to subject your kids to this woman?

Grow up and put your kids first!

SuckingFunt · 02/11/2023 16:51

@Sittingonabench Sod that. The OP needs therpay to work out why they are putting up with somebody who is so foul! Love yourself enough to leave her.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 16:52

She's not a girl. She's a grown woman who is nasty about your kids. Why is that not a hard line for you?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 02/11/2023 16:55

Your poor kids. That's all I have to say. Nobody to fight their corner.

Ittybittytittycomittee · 02/11/2023 16:55

She sounds delightful. You need to ask yourself how long you can use her upbringing as an excuse for her being a total shit to you. It sounds like she brings a lot of unhappiness and emotional baggage to your relationship. We all come with a certain amount of emotional baggage but it can work if you work with your partner, it sounds like she's not willing to do anything of the sort. A ring won't make this better I'm afraid, the cracks will appear quickly even if everything is ok at the start. I'm so sorry.

Saladgoatcheese · 02/11/2023 16:56

Sittingonabench · 02/11/2023 16:36

Assuming this is the result of trauma and not just her personality - It sounds like she needs to engage with therapy and figure herself out a bit. I don’t think it would be the best idea to get engaged until she has truly engaged with this for herself (her doing it for you would be a bad idea). Shorter term you need to really think if you want to commit to supporting her as this will likely be a life long journey for her

Definitely this. I used to behave like your GF because I didn’t know how to deal with difficult feelings
Sounds like you can see through all the crap to her underlying personality OP so maybe you can encourage her to get help with her issues. Then you might have a happier future together
Good luck, you sound like a really caring partner

Fmlgirl · 02/11/2023 17:02

I used to also behave a bit like your gf. The truth is I really wanted kids and the relationship wasn’t moving forward despite of him saying he wanted to. The bad behaviour was on me though and I shouldn’t have behaved this way, I was unhappy in the relationship and should have left a lot sooner. Your girlfriend also doesn’t want to be with you anymore, don’t put up with this.