Want to marry her

[Stevemad]

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

oh well that at least makes me feel better about her. How is she after one of these episodes, does she apologise?

This!

Ignore myu previous post about kids loving her making her things ok. It's still not ok. It's dangerous having a lot of a cash as you seem to as it makes you vulnerable to certain types. You also sound incredibly nice. TOO NICE!!!!

I have PTSD, I'm not a massive c*nt to my partner. You need to stop letting her walk all over you with these rubbish excuses and make better choices, especially for the sake of your kids. It's an abusive relationship you are in, it will only get worse.

I'm married to this person. Don't make the same mistake. You may love her more than anything, but what is a tolerable amount of stress now WILL wear you down. You're constantly on the back foot, you're stress levels will be permanently high, and you'll actually end up afraid to talk for fear of being shouted at.

I'd beg you if I could...

Sorry - its sounds like she has already checked out, this relationship is not one that marriage will do anything to improve.

Her happiness is not your problem to solve, it's not up to you to 'fix' her or make her 'happy'. I've seen this so many times, you're with someone because you can 'help' then... then what, what if it goes on for years and you become drained - you've lost those years. What if they become 'fixed' - well they no longer need you anymore and will look for someone more exciting.

Move on.

She isn't 'the good times' op. Those are just part of the cycle of abuse that keep you staying, waiting and wishing for those times to last. And as time passes those times become more and more fleeting and far between. And before you know it, you're stuck on a merry go round of 'how do I change me, to get 'her' back'. And you can't. No matter what you do or say, all you get is stress and agro. She finds offence in everything you do, she has no interest in trying to understand your feelings and every day becomes one long, never ending argument.

You seem like a decent person. There are too few of you in this world. Don't end up wasted on shit people like her. Somewhere out there is a woman who deserves you and who is praying for you to show up in her life. She's probably been through tough times too. But she's not a cunt. And she'd love you back.

She sounds so selfish

I’ve been through 3 or 4 of them in the last year or so, and afterwards it’s literally the perfect relationship

I do have financial worries, is that why she’s here etc. but the risk is there for us both to an extent. Neither of us are wealthy, but I do have good jobs that pays well.

But it's not the perfect relationship. Jackel and Hyde are the same person. A wolf in sheeps clothing is still a wolf, no matter how well it sometimes plays the part.

With due respect op, it seems you love the fantasy of who she sometimes pretends to be. Like falling for an actor for one of their many characters.

Not sure what you want any of us to say?

Is she mad cause you dump all the childcare and housework on her?

Why is she horrible when she's being horrible? Does she think it's justified? How does she explain her um, moods? Is she on any meds?

I mean when things are wonderful the majority of the time why not just accept the times when it isn't? (I wouldn't, just saying)

Are you sure the kids like her and not just pretend to like her for your sake?

Crumbs op
It isn’t good. Let this one go.

If she has PTSD as you say, what is she doing about it? Is she getting trauma therapy? Does she recognise the issue and is addressing it?

When she has behaved like this to you, how do you resolve it afterwards? Do you discuss the issue openly and say how it has made you feel and exert boundaries i.e. "don't ever speak like that about my children again and if you do this relationship will be over, is that clear?", or "I will not be treated like this in an abusive manner and unless you address it I will end this relationship"? Or, do you just suck it up and brush it under the carpet when it suits her to stop behaving in an abusive way, so then around and around you go with her starting this up again whenever it suits her the next time, with impunity?

If the latter, then you know this needs to end. If you're walking on eggshells worried about setting her off again and expressing your feelings on an online forum but haven't been able to discuss this properly with her then clearly there is nothing worth saving here, let alone marrying. If she's been unpleasant about your children more than once then I can't fathom why you're still there even now, as that should have been met with a very clear warning the first time as totally unacceptable behaviour.

It sounds to me like you need to end this and get therapy before considering dating again. Most people would have ended it and you have bought an engagement ring! Take it back to the shop and use the money for therapy and to take your kids on a holiday.

The fact you've updated to say this has happened 3 or 4 times! Wake up! What do you think will change if you continue to tolerate this? Obviously it will get progressively worse, not better. How could you propose to someone like that, who is nasty about your own children, and tell them they are the person you want to spend your life with? How could you bear to be intimate with someone who has spoken about your children like that? Yuk. It would make my skin crawl. It makes no sense.

How does it transition back into a "perfect relationship"? Does she apologise and you talk through the issues, or does she just snap out of it and act like things had never happened?

Also, I've been in a similar relationship... The fact that just must be on tenterhooks for the next rupture surely must mean that the relationship can't be "perfect" in the meantimes.

3 4 times in a year is still every 3/4 months. It'd still too much and it can only increase

Hi. She pretty much snaps out of it and back to normal

Honestly it sounds like undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, the push pull, talk of episodes, dissociating, splitting black and white, perfect then terrible, childhood trauma. Take a look at the symptoms and see if it rings some bells. It’s an attachment based disorder that makes somebody an abusive nightmare to be in a relationship with basically.

Listen to this cautionary tale^^

You remind me of someone I know, we’ve got a similar character in our family and what havoc such a person can wreak. It’s not their fault what happened to them but it’s run out of control now and tbh they’re quite terrifying, can’t see anymore where the trauma ends and the malice begins.

Think about it; nasty to you, and your kids, but you want to marry her? Why is that appealing? Is that what you’re comfortable with? Is being treated like dogshit what you’ve been raised to expect or something?

Okay, you feel bad for her past but why not tell her her behaviour has crossed a line and suggest therapy? Then wait to see what changes before you make any big commitments. This isn’t stuff love alone can fix.

So typically a quarterly outburst of nastiness then ok afterwards?

How does she manage behaviour at work?

Hi. God no, I easily do half of everything around the house, if not more

I think she bottles it up and takes it out when she gets home. I’ve just told her to leave her job and get a part time job with no stress so she can work when she wamt to