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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 02/11/2023 17:51

You can't mend or fix her - only she can do that and needs to work on herself asap. Lots of people with troubled background growing up dont act like unpleasant idiots. Don't waste any more time on someone who hates your kids and treats you with contempt, even when you're doing her favours. Don't be a doormat.

sugarrosepetal · 02/11/2023 17:56

Save your kids and yourself the heartache. She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around and no matter how much you love someone, that love shouldn't take over the protective instinct for your children. It sounds like she's checked out of the relationship anyway which should make it easier to let go.

VeridicalVagabond · 02/11/2023 17:56

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 17:09

Like I said. The majority of the time is amazing. That’s what I’m holding on to

If you moved into a house which the majority of the time was amazing but sometimes spewed shit out of every drain all over your feet, would you stay living there?

MumblesParty · 02/11/2023 18:00

Your poor kids. How awful for all of you that you have to live with such a nasty person.

maclen · 02/11/2023 18:00

You sound like a nice guy. Perhaps too nice to her and she's become so used to it she's taking you for granted and doesn't even realise? Have you spoken to her about her behaviour?

Opentooffers · 02/11/2023 18:00

Right so my son has a GF with BPD and the description sounds similar, except for the carrying it on for weeks, though every few weeks, the behaviour gets worse so likely an element of hormones at play too, they both recognise this.
After being on an up and down roller coaster my son decided the last argument was enough.
However, they have since reunited a month later. Though I have my concerns, ending things made her seek the help she needed, she is in therapy and hopefully has learnt also that there is a limit to what is going to be put up with.
Sit her down, calmly say you have reached the end of your teather. I think you should go as far as to say you should take a break from each other for a while and unless she seeks help in the meantime there is no future.
You have your DC's to think of. It is of greater concern that she is 38, however, and still like this. It tends to say she either can't or won't change, my son's GF is far younger and so hopefully has capacity to improve with help, time will tell. I'm not so optimistic in your case, she's already had many years to address it.

BettyBallerina · 02/11/2023 18:01

I don’t know how you can be with someone who’s mean about your children, let alone want to marry her! And not to thank you for taxiing her around is so rude. Don’t do it.

MumblesParty · 02/11/2023 18:02

VeridicalVagabond · 02/11/2023 17:56

If you moved into a house which the majority of the time was amazing but sometimes spewed shit out of every drain all over your feet, would you stay living there?

Show quote history

Yeah - imagine the most amazing delicious meal, a plate full of your most favourite foods cooked to perfection, but in the corner of the plate is a little pile of shit that you also have to eat. I’d rather starve!

Orangeandgold · 02/11/2023 18:18

Sounds like she still needs to sort out some of her internal issues - is this something you can work together on before making a huge commitment? I do feel for you if you have to put up with it and it sounds like it’s affecting you - avoid being the person that “heals” her - she has got to find some peace with herself. However if it is a sacrifice you really want to make I hope you weigh up the options.

What are her thoughts on marriage? Is this something you have discussed? Would she appreciate this gesture alone?

Cardsonthetable · 02/11/2023 18:22

Think of your kids if you don’t value yourself. This woman sounds totally toxic.

Newestname002 · 02/11/2023 18:53

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

I just can't see why, with so many negatives, you'd go ahead and get engaged to be/married to someone like this. It seems such a foolish move, especially with her feelings towards your children. I'd really suggest you reconsider this relationship - it's much harder to get divorced than to get married, with all the I'll feelings and expense involved. 🌹

Channellingsophistication · 02/11/2023 18:54

I’m sorry I just don’t understand why you would want to marry someone who is horrible about your children and is only nice some of the time… ?

DelightfullyDotty · 02/11/2023 19:03

As the carer of an elderly, undiagnosed borderline mother and as a person who was in a seven year relationship with a borderline, I think you’d be bonkers to stay with her. They’re just natural abusers…they can’t seem to help it but at the same time, they know what they’re doing because they can control their behaviour around other people. They’re incapable of any self reflection and they’re delusional and will spend a lot of time trying to convince themselves, you and anyone who’ll listen that the problem is you.

They can be lovely for the majority of the time but if you trigger them, they can’t handle their emotions and in order to maintain the facade they’ve created of themselves as a good person, they will become capable of all sorts of manipulation, passive aggression, gaslighting, triangulation, lying, ‘forgetting’. All that matters is maintaining the narrative they’ve created and if that means abusing you then that’s what they’ll do.

HowAmYa · 02/11/2023 19:10

Ask yourself why you'd want to marry someone who talks shit about your own children.

Step back and look at that alone.

PoorSleep · 02/11/2023 19:24

Go to therapy OP. For just you. You need to see you and your son deserve not to put up with this and you clearly can't see it on your own.

I also think your DS isn't lazy but most likely trying to drown himself in technology to dull the pain of witnessing her being like this to you all.

Your DS won't have missed a trick and will be affected by it, just as you are.

You both deserve not to be treated this way.

PinkPantherPrat · 02/11/2023 19:28

She doesn't sound eminently marriageable...!

You do need to sort this out with her as you can't go on like this

Petallove · 02/11/2023 19:29

I’m wondering why you want to her marry her? Is her talking to you that way ok because of her upbringing? I don’t think so. If anyone had mouthed my children I would be fuming!

LoneFemaleTraveller · 02/11/2023 19:31

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 17:11

I’m not sure about domestic violence. She has had a really difficult life and I think I need to be there to help her

Ah! It is arrogance keeping you with her. She speaks bad about your children. She shows absolute disdain for you. But you think you have the skills, knowledge and experience to help her. do you? Whats your profession that you think you have that ability to do that?

She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids. She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing

you should have left her when she was rude about your kids.

why would you actively choose a stepmother who is mean to your kids? That’s really shit parent territory. Misery for your children because you want sex with an awful person.

Rhi86 · 02/11/2023 19:33

Could she possibly have PMDD? If it's just for a few days and then she's back to normal, it made me think it could be hormonal?

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 19:37

If abusers were abusive all the time they wouldn't be very good abusers. The trick is to be sweet enough at times to give the victim hope that things will get better.

EvenBetta · 02/11/2023 19:40

Obviously dump her.

Dogknowsbest · 02/11/2023 19:42

If she's not prepared to work on herself you need to let go. People like this don't magically become easier to live with. In all cases, without the right support, it just gets worse. Please don't marry her.

fancyfrogs · 02/11/2023 19:44

Getting engaged/married won't fix this

canfor · 02/11/2023 19:57

My old boss used to say 'you will get the treatment you accept. You are being treated like a doormat. She's comfortable with giving you the cold shoulder, rejecting the nice gestures you make like setting up a weekend away and she's nasty about your kids. Do not get further entangled with her. Run don't walk.

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 20:18

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 17:11

I’m not sure about domestic violence. She has had a really difficult life and I think I need to be there to help her

This is a well known relationship dynamic of victim/rescuer, probably related to your childhood dynamics. YOU DO NOT NEED TO HELP HER. What you do need to do is help YOUR ACTUAL CHILDREN. It is totally inappropriate of her to be getting angry with your son. Please protect them from this abusive, unpleasant and manipulative woman