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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
youngones1 · 03/11/2023 08:40

No way should you marry this woman, it will only get worse, stop ignoring the red flags and move on.

Channellingsophistication · 03/11/2023 08:41

Putting bad behaviour down to childhood trauma is an excuse. I’m not saying that she hasn’t suffered trauma and of course awful childhoods affects people but it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour surely?

I know a young man who has some neurological issues he saw a specialist who said this was due to childhood trauma. He is the most lovely kind caring young man. He does not behave badly and horribly to others….

Channellingsophistication · 03/11/2023 08:46

Also, I think it’s a bit much her complaining that your son doesn’t work as he is presumably still at school?

what job does she do?

Original poster
Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:54

Hiya. The kids love her, she’s really nice to them, it’s just when she having and episode she only sees the worst and blames me

OP posts:
Original poster
Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:58

Yes he is still at school. It’s not having a part time/weekend job that’s the problem. She instilled it on her daughter to work at 16

OP posts:
Littlefish · 03/11/2023 08:59

Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:54

Hiya. The kids love her, she’s really nice to them, it’s just when she having and episode she only sees the worst and blames me

She's nice to them at the moment.

There is a very fine line between complaining to you and badmouthing them, and her starting to do it to their faces.

Do not subject them to this.

Have some self respect. Don't allow her to treat you like this.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 03/11/2023 09:04

I don't think anyone here can really help you because you are ignoring the advice and trying to mitigate her behaviour.

Channellingsophistication · 03/11/2023 09:18

What does she do for work?

TheGoddessFrigg · 03/11/2023 09:20

Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:54

Hiya. The kids love her, she’s really nice to them, it’s just when she having and episode she only sees the worst and blames me

when people type stuff like this- I always wonder how big the house is. I mean- does your son have his own wing or something so he doesn't notice her moods, her sniping, her sulking? Or is he also walking on eggshells and pandering to her moods?

Original poster
Stevemad · 03/11/2023 09:28

its a good sized house. There are several empty rooms the kids can have between them

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 09:28

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You have clearly forgotten this fact.

It was a sad day for you and your kids in particular when your paths crossed. She targeted you and deliberately as well. She is likely using sex as a weapon too.

Denial is truly a powerful force on your part, stop trying to find reasons for she abusing you and in turn your kids. There is NO justification for her abuse of you all.

Why are you so intent on marrying your, and in turn your kids, abuser?. Do you not think you are being abused?. Do you think abuse is only physical in nature?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 09:29

Poor kids. You've been further targeted because of the size of the property; she is seeing pound signs in her eyes and she will wring you dry leaving you as a former shadow of your own self.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/11/2023 09:31

Op to give sone perspective, I am diagnosed with EUPD and ptsd as the result of a traumatic childhood. I too recognise the behaviours you are referring to and they are awful to live with. HOWEVER, if you are self aware, willing to do the work and accept that whilst you can't help the way your childhood/upbringing has affected you, it's absolutely your responsibility to manage the negative effects and make sure it doesn't negatively affect those around you, as much as is possible.

I have the loveliest, most patient and kind partner you could wish for. He has seen me at my lowest points and as much for him, as for myself, I do the work because he deserves the best of me and that's why I put time and effort into making sure I manage the symptoms of my diagnosis and work hard to recognise when things might be dipping.

I do this because I love my partner and my poor mental health should not be his burden to bear.

Unless your gf can recognise the effects she's having on you and your kids (although I can understand her annoyance if you have a NT 17 y/o with no significant issues doing nothing other than gaming), and is just using you as an emotional punching bag, without putting the work in to manage her symptoms then your relationship is headed towards abusive (if it's not there already).

TL:DR She has a responsibility to manage her symptoms and PTSD is not a get out of jail free card.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 09:33

Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works out at all well. And here you are being both to her. She does not want your help or support.

nopeasplease · 03/11/2023 09:38

Why on earth do you want to marry her? She sounds awful. I appreciate she has ptsd but that doesn't give her a blanket excuse to be nasty to you, let alone your poor kids (even if it is behind their back). You can't be with someone that speaks about your children like that, they need to be your priority.

Rania78 · 03/11/2023 09:43

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:14

She’s never horrible to them I’m person. It’s the way she talks about them to me and slates the way I’ve parented them

It’s when you marry she will start being horrible in person. Because she will have trapped you.

Please, children are priority number one. If your partner loves you, she will love them. Btw all of us have traumas. Using her to manipulate you is a no go.

please split asap and find another lovely partner. Gid protected you that day you wanted to propose to her and she canceled.

EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 09:57

I have CPTSD too and manage to not abuse people or behave like a piece of shit. Don’t excuse her choice to behave disgustingly on that. You know what you’re signing up for if you make the terrible choice to marry this person. You’d be crazy to marry her. Seems like you’re ignoring the replies pointing this out.

Catsafterme · 03/11/2023 10:03

Marriage and children were the turning points in my relationship, she went from occasionally horrible and volatile to full blown abusive in every way.

Now, just like others are warning you, she has taken everything for herself. The money, house and worst of all the children that she is withholding while throwing me under the bus.

I protected her for years, took everything that came my way, never held it against her or retaliated. Now I'm being smeared as abusive...to keep the house and the children.

Epidote · 03/11/2023 10:10

I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life with her. But if you want that is up to you.
The difference between a good and a selfish person is that regardless of past traumas the good people work to solve it, little by little and step by step. Not always success is easy to achieve but you don't repeat with others the things that you suffered. Blaming her awful behaviour in her past traumas is a excuse. She is mean and she got excuses to treat you bad.

Justcallmebebes · 03/11/2023 10:11

Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:58

Yes he is still at school. It’s not having a part time/weekend job that’s the problem. She instilled it on her daughter to work at 16

Well that's a very sharp about turn!

Justcallmebebes · 03/11/2023 10:11

The bit about the kids loving her

HashtagShitShop · 03/11/2023 10:35

You are surfing the times she's bad by clinging onto the times she's good. I bet the times she's bad to you are lengthening in either the time it lasts or the frequency of them happening.

Why would you put yourself and your children through this?

You cannot save everyone. She cannot be in a relationship that has children involved whilst she needs to work on herself. She has no incentive to work on herself either because you forgive and swallow her bad treatment because you're just waiting for the next good time and make excuses for her.

I bet your children and parents/friends have another view of her deep down that they can't tell you in fear of making you upset. Why not have a frank discussion with them when she's not there to share your thoughts with people who know her?

Funny how she can mask her trauma apparently in front of others and not action it on them but you have to be the fall guy and get it both barrels.

OldMountainGoat · 03/11/2023 11:04

Why did you post here if you're convinced she's the one for you and there's nothing really wrong?

MammaTo · 03/11/2023 11:50

Imagine the shoe was on the other foot and the other parent to your children wanted to marry someone like this, would you be comfortable with that? Would you be happy with this person being in your kids lives?

ginasevern · 03/11/2023 11:56

Why do you love her so much when she sounds cuntish and abusive? This isn't all about mental health, she's taking you for a ride and it will only get worse once she has the security of marriage (and 50% of everything you own). She might be nice to the kids now but watch this space. Are you willing to subject them to her dysfunctional and nasty behaviour? It's batshit to think it won't affect them, of course it will. You aren't listening to anyone but all I can say is RUN!