Want to marry her

[Stevemad]

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

thanks for your message. I was wondering the same thing

Like I said. The majority of the time is amazing. That’s what I’m holding on to

Hiya, yes they with us 24/7. She get’s genuinely angry when my son doesn’t have a job, he’s 17 and likes to play his computer and is a lazy git. But he’s a 17 year old boy. They all are

I’m not sure about domestic violence. She has had a really difficult life and I think I need to be there to help her

Hiya, yes there is, it’s not undiagnosed we know what it is, just seems to have taken over her at the moment.

Very true. But when she’s good she’s amazing

Sounds likely doesn’t it. However only a few weeks ago she was telling me loves me, she was in a good mood and was dropping ring hints. Little did she know if already bought it

Yeah well don't.

Get some self respect and dump her.

But we can all say that about abusive arseholes.

Personally I'd hesitate to marry someone who simply turns into a horrible person to be around just because they've had a rough life.

A lot of us have had a rough life and don't use it as the free pass to treat other people badly. If anything, it teaches us not to be mean and create unnecessary suffering.

Up to you, but life is short. Why complicate it with someone who's happy to shit all over it?

When she is nice she is showing you the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Pit your kids first rather than your love life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

if you marry her you will be on an immediate fast track to divorce. Marrying her is a grave mistake that will
go onto haunt you for years.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't like your son?
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so unkindly?
Your relationship is not making either of you happy.
And - being happy some of the time, even 'most' of the time isn't enough. In a healthy relationship, even if you go through tough times together, you always have the other person's back; you show you love and care for them, every day; you don't punish them with the silent treatment for days or weeks. Being 'amazing' some of the time isn't enough. And is she truly 'amazing'? How much of your time do you spend with her complaining, ignoring you, being unkind, being aggressive, argumentative??
Even if the answer is 1% I'd say that's too high.

Put your son before her, please.

She sounds like a Jekyll and Hyde character.
Please don’t marry someone who can be awful to you and your children, it won’t get any better and you’ll live to regret it.

She targeted you and deliberately so as well. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life experience and abuse, are being further damaged by this woman.

Yes, thank you for this! Why so many people are determined to saddle their kids with a step parent that actively dislikes them is beyond me.

a difficult history does not excuse treating people poorly.

you have a responsibility to put your children first. They should not be sharing a home with this woman.

you can keep dating if you really want because you are an adult and are allowed to subject yourself to whatever you choose even if it is a mistake. Your children should have no idea this person is a part of your life though.

If you marry this woman it’s going to cost you - emotionally, financially and probably your relationship with your son.

Fucking hell- do you really need to ask? Why on earth do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is disrespectful and dismissive of you? Who’s mean about your kids? Who takes you for granted?

Your not rehab for broken women though, she’s not being nice to you so I wouldn’t propose.

Don't be a doormat for yourself at the least and don't expose your children to that sort of crap either.

She's mean to your kids. Do not Marry her.

Such a non-reason to stay with someone. I used to be with a bloke who was fucking horrible, in many aspects, but not all the time. Majority of the time he was funny and charming and we were happy… when it suited him. I thought I loved him so much but I broke up with him because I didn’t want a whole life of walking on eggshells wondering when his next ‘episode’ would start. I’m now married to a wonderful man and life is a million times better.

Why on earth would you want to marry someone who is rude to you, your kids and treats you with contempt?

It's messed up. A lot of people had difficult childhoods or other difficulties in life, it's no excuse for abuse.

Why would you do this to yourself???

My thoughts exactly. ^

Shes no longer that interested in you.

Don't marry her...at least not before she has done significant work on herself and her issues. Your kids deserve better than this.