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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 09/11/2023 22:53

But do you want to live like that..? As an emotional punchbag for her…. What if she gets even worse…..

Catsafterme · 09/11/2023 23:07

That's the route I took. Work is the catalyst, go part time. It continued. Eventually didn't work at all and still doesn't. Didn't contribute financially, did nothing at home, I had to do the lot, behavior worsened year after year. Took everything.

Original poster
Stevemad · 12/11/2023 19:08

So a quick update. We’ve had an amazing few days, so much love and care it’s been amazing. Today however, your fucking kids have eaten all the chocolate bars, I can’t deal with this, you haven’t raised them right, the dynamics are getting me down and depressing me. What the fuck!!! I’m lost for words I really am

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/11/2023 19:37

Tbh op it sounds like the cycle of abuse.
No one wpuld stay with abusers if they were nasty all the time.

But you know, sorry but...we did tell you.
We did tell you this shit isn't normal and it isn't OK. We did warn you to gtf away from this looney.

Are you going to come back shocked when she does it again next time? The time after that?

Time to take those rose tinted glasses off and run for the hills!

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Get.out.of.there.

Pinkbonbon · 12/11/2023 19:40

Ps: I know it sucks now. Ending relationships isn't fun. But if you don't gtf out of there soon...you're going to spiral into a life of walking on eggshells. Of trying to change you to fix her. And that just isn't possible. Go.

Blueeyedmale · 12/11/2023 19:48

It's not the ptsd that is causing the issues yes ptsd is awful but it's doesn't make people react in this way, it's probably EUPD that's very common in people with childhood trauma she needs professional help, unfortunately that someone won't be you im not saying that in a nasty way but EUPD is very complex it will take a long time to work through some of the things sometimes years of intensive therapy, but only she can make that start when she's ready it can't be forced upon someone

WhatWhereWho · 12/11/2023 20:26

It will continue like this. A good few days/weeks/months then an explosion then rinse and repeat. Your kids should be your first priority.

rantinglunatic · 12/11/2023 22:01

Stevemad · 12/11/2023 19:08

So a quick update. We’ve had an amazing few days, so much love and care it’s been amazing. Today however, your fucking kids have eaten all the chocolate bars, I can’t deal with this, you haven’t raised them right, the dynamics are getting me down and depressing me. What the fuck!!! I’m lost for words I really am

Wow what a shock. She became abusive again. Who on earth could have ever seen that coming???

MumblesParty · 12/11/2023 22:06

If you continue to subject your kids to this loathsome woman, then you are as bad as she is. Protect your kids ffs. You only get one shot at parenting you know.

fuchsteufelswild · 12/11/2023 22:12

So she keeps it together for a couple days before she slips up?

Do not marry her btw, it won't help

SeasonalBlue · 12/11/2023 22:38

Stevemad · 12/11/2023 19:08

So a quick update. We’ve had an amazing few days, so much love and care it’s been amazing. Today however, your fucking kids have eaten all the chocolate bars, I can’t deal with this, you haven’t raised them right, the dynamics are getting me down and depressing me. What the fuck!!! I’m lost for words I really am

This is seriously bad for your DC. You need to protect them.

monsteramunch · 12/11/2023 23:31

OP. If you continue this relationship you are not putting your children first.

Surely you want to put them first?

Nosleepforthismum · 13/11/2023 09:22

For gods sake OP. Get a bloody backbone and get of this vile woman.

moonriverandme · 13/11/2023 10:42

Please end this relationship & put your children first, your relationship with them is the most important one.
You can't help your partner, BPD has it's roots in poor early attachments & whilst I'm sure she did have a traumatic, maybe abusive childhood you are not qualified to help her. The only one who can help her is her. She needs to seek counselling, medical support & put the work in on healing & understanding herself.
She can with help, live with her past but she has to be willing to regulate her responses in dealing with her emotions. It's very hard to treat. It needs willingness on her part.
Mental health is not a reason to treat loved ones or anyone else nastily, it's an excuse for her poor behaviour.
You obviously care about her but put yourself & your children first, you will be doing her a favour in the long run. Your children have not asked for this & don't deserve to live on eggshells, remove her for their sake.

KeepSmiling89 · 13/11/2023 10:49

OP, as some other posters have said, this sounds very much like domestic abuse here - things are great for a while, until they're not then she starts insulting you and your kids (doesn't matter if it's not to their faces). Giving you the silent treatment is also a form of abuse. PTSD is NOT an excuse for this type of behaviour!
I put up with my ex for too long because "when it was good, it was amazing" and the times he shouted at me were few and far between. He would apologise afterwards saying he loved me so much begging for forgiveness. I fell for it so many times. I've been out for 9 months now and it's the best decision I ever made.

You don't deserve this and neither do your children. Break free from her as soon as possible!

Original poster
Stevemad · 13/11/2023 11:03

It’s easier said than done, I know I need to leave her, but I have to take her daughter in to account, I treat her like my own daughter and I know it will upset her to see me leave, the kids get on so well it upsets me to think they won’t be with each other anymore. This and being completely in love with the women makes it an impossible decision to make. What ever I do is wrong. I’m not talking about marrying (well proposing anyway) anymore, as these issues need to be sorted 1st. But there is more than just her to think about. I love her daughter like she’s my own. In my mind I have 3 children, problem is in her head she has 1

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 11:27

Stevemad · 13/11/2023 11:03

It’s easier said than done, I know I need to leave her, but I have to take her daughter in to account, I treat her like my own daughter and I know it will upset her to see me leave, the kids get on so well it upsets me to think they won’t be with each other anymore. This and being completely in love with the women makes it an impossible decision to make. What ever I do is wrong. I’m not talking about marrying (well proposing anyway) anymore, as these issues need to be sorted 1st. But there is more than just her to think about. I love her daughter like she’s my own. In my mind I have 3 children, problem is in her head she has 1

You are so much nicer than this old cow of a woman. Why do you love her? It's very confusing from the outside to see what could be remotely appealing about her from what you've said. If anyone slagged off my kids I would immediately hate them. I know it's hard for her daughter but your kids come first.

rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 11:29

The fact that you are 'completely in love' with someone who is so horrible to you makes it clear that you have some emotional issues that need sorting. . Ok if it was just you but you have your kids to consider in all this.

rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 11:31

At the risk of being an armchair analyst, did you have a difficult mother who you had to placate all the time? Are you recreating your childhood in some way?

Pinkbonbon · 13/11/2023 11:37

I can't remember if you said you lived together or not but if so, there's one step you can take even if you're not ready to end it - move out.

And 'never speak about my children like that again'.

I'd not have her around my kids.
You can still date someone without them being in your children's life.

As for how to approach it?
'Clearly my kids are a problem for you so you need to move out/I think its best you are not around them. I'm happy to considwr to continue dating for now, provided you engage with your gp and therapy for your mental health issues. But do not speak ill of my children again. And do not criticise my parenting'.

Start to distance from her kid too.

Sorry, I know its hard but, tbf that child probably doesn't want to be played off against your children anyway. Which is where these things usually end up.

Ps: again, can't remember if you mentioned her daughters age but, if she's an older teen (seem to remember you saying she was working) then perhaps she'd remain in your life anyway.

rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 11:39

It's sort of irrelevant that you are 'completely in love' with her in any case, as she is quite clearly NOT completely in love with you, and surely you deserve that reciprocation?? Sounds like she is blowing hot and cold about you in her head, and in case is a person who certainly at the moment anyway is entirely incapable of managing a relationship or showing consistent love in any form. Do everyone a favour, chuck her out and hopefully that will be the catalyst for her, and you, to get some proper help. Obviously it's completely pointless me writing this as you are just going to carry on as normal so I think I will go for a lovely walk in the countryside, even if it is a bit blustery. Farewell.

rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 11:41

Pinkbonbon · 13/11/2023 11:37

I can't remember if you said you lived together or not but if so, there's one step you can take even if you're not ready to end it - move out.

And 'never speak about my children like that again'.

I'd not have her around my kids.
You can still date someone without them being in your children's life.

As for how to approach it?
'Clearly my kids are a problem for you so you need to move out/I think its best you are not around them. I'm happy to considwr to continue dating for now, provided you engage with your gp and therapy for your mental health issues. But do not speak ill of my children again. And do not criticise my parenting'.

Start to distance from her kid too.

Sorry, I know its hard but, tbf that child probably doesn't want to be played off against your children anyway. Which is where these things usually end up.

Ps: again, can't remember if you mentioned her daughters age but, if she's an older teen (seem to remember you saying she was working) then perhaps she'd remain in your life anyway.

Edited

This. God @Stevemad don't know why I am wasting yet more of my time trying to save you. I'm behaving just like you do with your partner! Good luck!

Original poster
Stevemad · 13/11/2023 12:03

No, had a great relationship with my parents, they’ve been happily married for 40+years

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 13:20

Stevemad · 13/11/2023 12:03

No, had a great relationship with my parents, they’ve been happily married for 40+years

oh ok. Thanks for the reply. What do they make of your girlfriend? Are they pleased you are with her?

rantinglunatic · 13/11/2023 13:23

@Stevemad Just to add I have very similar issues to your girlfriend - they don't go away. My husband thought if he could make everything right for me then I would change - I didn't. I would strongly suggest you run for the hills.

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