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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
soggytodger · 14/11/2023 11:23

Stevemad · 13/11/2023 23:50

Just so difficult losing someone I love. I’ve lost it once before and promised myself I’d never lose it again

What happened last time just out of interest? Maybe it could explain why you are so invested in this?

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 14/11/2023 11:27

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

You deserve better.
I couldn't be with someone who was horrible about my kids, wether to their faces or not.

PaintedEgg · 14/11/2023 11:40

her daughter is going to grow up in a toxic household regardless of whether you stay or go because her daughter happens to have a nasty, toxic woman for a mother. You cannot change that, but you can spare that nastiness to yourself and your children. Her kid got dealt a bad hand in life, but you are now choosing to screw over your own children by bringing that vile person into their lives.

Pick lesser evil.

theyawn · 14/11/2023 12:24

Stevemad · 03/11/2023 08:58

Yes he is still at school. It’s not having a part time/weekend job that’s the problem. She instilled it on her daughter to work at 16

So her daughter is at least 16? And you've only been in a relationship for a short period of time (16 months according to previous posts)

The daughter will be fine.

Prioritise your own kids.

Original poster
Stevemad · 14/11/2023 12:55

My ex wife had an affair and walked out on me and our kids

OP posts:
feellikeanalien · 14/11/2023 13:19

I know you say that the kids aren't aware of what is happening but believe me they pick up on things, especially if they are teenagers.

You really have to put your kids and yourself first.

Surely your son and her daughter are old enough to still keep in touch even if you and her mum were no longer together.

As other pps have said, she clearly has issues that she needs to deal with and if she is not prepared to do this then things are only going to get worse.

It's easy to say leave but one thing I have learned in life is that if you let people treat you a certain way and don't do anything about it they will keep on doing it and that's without even taking any mental health conditions she may have into account.

It's obviously up to you but as an outsider I think the break up of your relationship with your ex-wife has made you perhaps put up with more than you should so that you don't have another failed relationship. There is no shame in admitting that a relationship isn't working. It's much better to bite the bullet and get out rather than slowly but surely becoming more and more ground down.

soggytodger · 14/11/2023 13:46

Stevemad · 14/11/2023 12:55

My ex wife had an affair and walked out on me and our kids

I don't know if your posts are a wind up but if not, I am so sorry that is absolutely awful. If that is the case, you really need to be there for your kids, and your kids alone, if they have been through such a traumatic experience. You also need to really look after yourself and get any more toxic women, like your current girlfriend, out of your life. Not sure if you are suffering from the trauma of it all and can't really think straight?

soggytodger · 14/11/2023 13:51

It's all a bit heartbreaking that you are so nice to her and she is so horrible to you. Please don't let this continue

monsteramunch · 14/11/2023 13:58

My ex wife had an affair and walked out on me and our kids

Sorry that happens to you.

It means it's even less fair on your kids to stay with someone who, whether to their face or behind your back, trash talks them and destines them as "your fucking kids".

Being single and raising your kids in a loving home with one supportive and positive parent (you) is far preferable to staying with someone you admit you'd break up with if it wasn't for their child.

It's time to put your children first. It's your responsibility to do so.

monsteramunch · 14/11/2023 13:59

monsteramunch · 14/11/2023 13:58

My ex wife had an affair and walked out on me and our kids

Sorry that happens to you.

It means it's even less fair on your kids to stay with someone who, whether to their face or behind your back, trash talks them and destines them as "your fucking kids".

Being single and raising your kids in a loving home with one supportive and positive parent (you) is far preferable to staying with someone you admit you'd break up with if it wasn't for their child.

It's time to put your children first. It's your responsibility to do so.

*happened to you that was meant to say

Original poster
Stevemad · 14/11/2023 14:00

I’d honestly not even considered that. Maybe clinging onto it longer than I would have once upon a time

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 14/11/2023 14:04

Would you talk about her daughter or your own children that way to her or anyone else?

If a stranger spoke to you about your children in that way, how would you feel?

Just because you are in a relationship with her doesn't mean that she gets to do that. She should know as a mother herself that children are innocent.

Makes me wonder does she respect her own child, if she doesn't respect you or yours.

Original poster
Stevemad · 14/11/2023 19:18

No I’d never. Her daughter is a messy shit, but she’s a good kid and I’d never speak about her that way. i don’t agree with her parenting, eg her 18 year old was grounded for not doing her 6th form work. I didn’t say anything as it’s not my place

OP posts:
Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 14/11/2023 21:20

If her daughter is 18 she’s old enough to carry on her relationship with you. She can hang out at yours, go out to things with your son, generally be a friend of the family. You can still keep an eye on her and be a good role model. She old enough to understand that relationships evolve and come to an end.

fuchsteufelswild · 14/11/2023 21:45

You're right it is not your place, but this works both ways, your partner doesn't get to trash talk you or your children.

Could it be she's envious of you getting along with your healthy kids and harbors resentment seeing you all like this?

Either way you need some time to heal from your ex wife throwing you all under the bus, but that won't get easier with her in the mix. To the contrary..

Ethylred · 14/11/2023 22:10

It is very easy to sit here and type this, but anyway here goes.
Do not walk away from this relationship, run instead.
I was in your position and went ahead in denial of the reality. It was an enormous mistake.

Opentooffers · 14/11/2023 22:10

Sounds like borderline personality disorder from past abuse. Someone I know has this issue, kept dumping her BF after the smallest of perceived slights - catastrophising over unfulfilled unreasonable demands she occasionally had. She didn't like being told no, even when being unreasonable. Eventually her BF said no more and agreed to end it ( lots of begging after, which went ignored). He did go back to her after she sought therapy, and with the proviso that one more time and that would be it. She hasn't been like that so far.
I'm not seeing any consequences for her, all is forgiven and loving in between it seems. Where is her incentive to change?
Next time, tell her straight you are thinking of ending the relationship, see what she does. Suggest a break if this does nothing.
Wouldn't she be the one to leave? There's only 2 of them and I'd guess you have as much right to stay. Her daughter is old enough to make her own arrangements to carry on seeing you if she wants.

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