Want to marry her

[Stevemad]

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

Also if you think it's bad now, wait till perimenopause hits! Only a few years to go...I hate to be uncharitable to your girlfriend but slagging off your partner's kids/parenting is a total and utter no no.

This and being completely in love with the women makes it an impossible decision to make. What ever I do is wrong.

You're in love with someone who is hateful about your child. Not all the time and not to her face, you say, but she still is sometimes and directly to you.

How can you love someone and want to remain in a relationship with them, when they show such disdain for your child.

Stop putting this woman, her child and your relationship all ahead of what is right for your own daughter who has no choice in the matter.

It's selfish to continue this toxic, unhealthy relationship when you are a father. Apologies for being direct but you seem to think that loving someone is a valid reason to put them before your child. I don't believe it is.

My parents are happy if I’m happy. They love her

You and your son deserve better than this. You can’t change her, you are not her doctor. Make a plan today. In a while you will look back and be relieved you did.

What a wonderful man you are. Please make yourself a favour and find a woman who loves you and your children.

It’s not about being nice or anything now. It’s now about not losing a 3rd child. My kids are great, they have no idea what’s going on, neither does her daughter. I do love my partner and if it wasn’t for her daughter I’d have left by now, I love her daughter like she was my own and don’t want onto lose her as well

It's all a complete mystery. I guess we can only go on what you have said about her which makes her sound totally detestable. Oh well, good luck with it.

Hang on! Just read this. Now you are saying you would leave her but you are staying with her because you don't want to lose the relationship with her daughter?

As I’m sitting here now typing. Yea I would.

Your poor daughter 😞

I know where you are coming from and understand how it feels, was the same in mine but I didn't realize how bad it was until I had distance.

I became an emotional and at times physical punching bag, I was living in a psychological warzone. I truly cared for my wife, I did everything I could, I let it all slide and I never reacted. She just refused to see she was in the wrong and instead punished me and others more and more.

Now I realize that was not love and care at all. I want to find that with someone, I've never had it but first I have to fight her for the sake of our children.

Can play a good act and fool everyone else especially strangers but in my experience it cannot be fixed. You can't help someone who can't help themselves, it's tragic in a way.

My daughter is fine. It’s her daughter then I’m worried about

Your daughter might be fine day to day at the moment. But your are knowingly staying in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship with an abusive person who uses cruel words about her (your daughter) behind her back to cause hurt to you. Weaponising her. in arguments. And you admit you're staying in that relationship for the sake of her daughter.

You can't genuinely think the decision to stay in this relationship is in your daughters best interests? Do you? If not, then you are not putting her first I'm afraid.

I'm sorry, but prioritising your relationship with her daughter over her relationship with your children is terrible parenting. She HATES your children. Your love for her daughter does not, and should not, override that. You are being so selfish here.

If I fail as a mother, I should not be rewarded with a living punching bag for my partner just because my partner fears for my child.

I wonder how your parents and kids feel about her once you separate. Since they all clearly love you, they would probably pretend to love her just as much as you do.

You miss my point. My kids have a loving mum and dad who’ll always be there
for them and they know that. Her daughter has never had a father in her life and don’t want her to be upset with us leaving. My son and her are pretty much like best friends

People aren't missing your point OP. Nobody has said it would be easy and pain free to leave. Or that it wouldn't upset her daughter. They've simply pointed out that continuing a relationship that includes the below dynamic, with a woman who speaks with disdain about (as she calls them) your "fucking kids" is not putting your children first.

She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing.

She doesn't love you the way you love her.

Set yourself free to find a woman who does. You sound lovely.

Just so difficult losing someone I love. I’ve lost it once before and promised myself I’d never lose it again

OK but I'm sure you didn't think the person you love would speak hatefully about what they call "your fucking children", tell you you're a shit parent and regularly, repeatedly make you feel shit, anxious and confused. Did you? That's the reality. You're in love with the idea of a loving relationship. But you aren't in one. And the one you are in is unfair on you and your kids. And you have the choice in whether or not to have her in your life. They don't. You need to put them first now.

It's not losing someone you love.
It's ending it with someone who isn't right for you.

She's not 'the one'. She is horrible, actually. Please look at it objectively.

@Stevemad Steve you ARE mad. Mad in the sense you have a delirium about this woman.

It won't work out. Can you graduate back down to being friends? My father left my mother after 40 years of her shit. She's still oblivious that anything is wrong with her. She won't take care of you when you're older and more vulnerable.

It will wear you out and grind you down.

I definitely believe in trying to work things out if a partner has made a one off mistake (unlike most of MN, as no-one is perfect) but this is frequent and she is completely unselfaware and can't address her behaviour.

And my father is dead and my mother still alive to be her abusive, bitchy self. She even tortured him when he was dying.

Your girlfriend will not change unless she addresses her behaviour. Some people aren't capable of doing that.

Your first line is correct, you do have to leave her.

Her daughter's well-being will cost your own daughter's. Really want to trade that?