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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to marry her

217 replies

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 15:10

Hi all. So!!! I’ve been with my partner for a few years. I love her so much I can’t even describe and we get on fantastically, however she had a difficult childhood and it does affect her even to this day. She’s 38 now and I sympathise for her with what she has gone through. She does have times where she is just horrible and awful to be around, she’ll be mean to my kids(not to their faces). She’ll tell me I’m a bad parent and she simply turns into a horrible person to be around. She’ll ignore me, kick off at the slightest thing. Well 4 weeks ago I bought an engagement ring for her, I wanted to propose on dec 1st. Planned a nice weekend away and was going to do it then. She said cancel the weekend, we can’t afford it… I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks. I drove her and her friend to the theatre and picked them up last night, not even a thank you, then proceeded to sit on the floor and ignore me asking if she was ok, wanted to sit with me etc, went to be I said goodnight, got nothing from her. Up early this morning for work, said goodbye and kissed her head while she was still in bed awake as she was on her phone, nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but can’t go through this anymore. I’ve asked her if everything’s ok, if I can do anything, if I get a response it’s 1 word answers. I’d love peoples input as to what you think is best to do. Thanks all

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 02/11/2023 20:21

Anybody who bad mouthed my kids would be in the bin. Honestly OP, wake up! Do not marry this woman.

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 20:30

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/11/2023 20:21

Anybody who bad mouthed my kids would be in the bin. Honestly OP, wake up! Do not marry this woman.

This. Please spare them the evil stepmother - they deserve better

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 20:32

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 17:10

Hiya, yes they with us 24/7. She get’s genuinely angry when my son doesn’t have a job, he’s 17 and likes to play his computer and is a lazy git. But he’s a 17 year old boy. They all are

What the heck is it to do with her if your son plays computer games. She's lucky he lets her in the house. She's an A Grade BITCH

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 02/11/2023 20:36

Good god. Please don't marry her. She's horrible to you and your kids. It's not fair.

Catsafterme · 02/11/2023 20:38

It may not be the case but also be wary of the 'had a difficult past', 'this really bad thing happened', 'so and so were like this towards me'.

In some cases it's legitimate. Others, specifically abusive people, lie all the time and open up to you way too soon in the relationship with things that are awful in order for you to feel sorry and protect them going forward no matter what they do. It's emotional manipulation.

Then when they treat you like shit or act up you think, 'oh well this and this happened, troubled past, I'll protect her'. Like you are doing now.

muggart · 02/11/2023 22:04

She will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. Not in an aggressive or douchey way, but you have to value yourself if you want her to value you too. Otherwise she'll keep doing this, and she won't love herself or you any more for it.

bingbongbang23 · 02/11/2023 22:08

Good god, don't get married! Marriage is hard. And this sounds hard even in the fun dating stage.

Original poster
Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:10

Hi. We have talked about it and it is down to childhood trauma. Something absolutely horrible as well. She has a fight or flight function and because I know she loves me it’s always fight

OP posts:
Original poster
Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:13

Hi. It’s ptsd she has

OP posts:
Original poster
Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:14

She’s never horrible to them I’m person. It’s the way she talks about them to me and slates the way I’ve parented them

OP posts:
PinkPantherPrat · 02/11/2023 22:19

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 19:37

If abusers were abusive all the time they wouldn't be very good abusers. The trick is to be sweet enough at times to give the victim hope that things will get better.

My ex counsellor used to say that. She said if he wasn't nice at time there would be no chance I'd stay.

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/11/2023 23:20

She's abusing you. The reason behind her behaviour doesn't matter, the behaviour does.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 03/11/2023 00:20

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:14

She’s never horrible to them I’m person. It’s the way she talks about them to me and slates the way I’ve parented them

Because that's so much fucking better 🙄

PoorSleep · 03/11/2023 00:52

Your DC will be aware of what's said. They aren't stupid, they'll see it in her face when she looks at them. She won't be able to hide something she's verbalised even if she said it in private.

Justcallmebebes · 03/11/2023 01:18

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:14

She’s never horrible to them I’m person. It’s the way she talks about them to me and slates the way I’ve parented them

Oh OK. That makes it perfectly OK then

Pinkbonbon · 03/11/2023 06:27

Yeah the 'fight' in 'fight or flight' does not mean - become a moody bastard though op. Throwing strops and ignoring you for her phone has nothing to do with ptsd. It's just being a knob.

I think deep down you know this.

I'm not saying she is making up her past op but it certainly sounds like she is spinning it in a way that suits her. Enabling her to gain control via passive aggressive behaviours. Its really not on.

She's already attempting to create a rift between you and your son. Seriously, get shot of her.

Love is not enough. Its also not worth living a miserable life with a miserable partner or being alienated from your kids cause you chose her over them.

All abusers are lovely some of the time. Otherwise they'd never entrap us in the first place.

It's not your job to be her white Knight or her therapist. She had to sort her own shit out.

You have kids to protect. It's their back you should have. Don't stay with people who seek to cause drama in those relationships. It will end badly.

OldMountainGoat · 03/11/2023 06:44

Go ahead and marry her. It will all magically change once you're married.

She will never control you with moodiness again.
She will never make you feel uncomfortable by giving you the silent treatment
She will never say a bad word about your kids or make them feel uncomfortable in their home
She will be nothing but a loving and supportive partner to you, so you have nothing to worry about .
Also, if it doesn't work out she'll be completely understanding and won't make you're life hell when you try to divorce

Seems unlikely really doesn't it.

Give your head a wobble and stop acting like an idiot. Take off the rose tinted spectacles and really look at the situation.

No way should you marry, this has disaster written all over it.

harerunner · 03/11/2023 06:46

You say you get on fantastically most of the time then you write this:

I have a good job and earn good money, money never has been or never will be a huge issue for us and for the last 3 weeks she’s been impossible to be around. It’s actually uncomfortable and awkward to be around her now and I can’t see any sign of it changing. These “blips” normally last a few days, never weeks.

This is far more than the odd moment or a
bad day. You're kidding yourself about how well you get on because you don't want to lose the relationship.

I think you may be wanting to get married because you think you're losing her, and this will help keep her - which is a very bad reason to get married. You need to have conversations about getting married and essentially agree that things are heading they way before proposing romantically! If you can't have those conversations, you're not ready, or even close to being ready.

Rather than focus on her childhood trauma, I'd have a closer look at yourself and what's causing you to behave in this needy and frankly desperate way, gushing about a woman who is treating you so badly.

harerunner · 03/11/2023 06:50

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:10

Hi. We have talked about it and it is down to childhood trauma. Something absolutely horrible as well. She has a fight or flight function and because I know she loves me it’s always fight

How do you she loves you? Or is it that you can't bear the thought that she may not.

As for PTSD, You're at the risk of getting PTSD in this situation judging by what you've written...

MadeFrom100percentPears · 03/11/2023 06:51

She sounds like a pita. I'm married to someone with ptsd and he has never treated me like this or bad mouthed our children. It's not an excuse.

Foodylicious · 03/11/2023 07:02

If it's PTSD she needs (more) treatment.
EMDR definitely worth exploring.

Any chance hormones and/or perimenopause are at play here too?
Can definitely make symptoms worse.

If she isn't going to commit to getting better, then you shouldn't be commiting your life to her.

rantinglunatic · 03/11/2023 07:35

Stevemad · 02/11/2023 22:14

She’s never horrible to them I’m person. It’s the way she talks about them to me and slates the way I’ve parented them

What an absolute peach she is!!!! Do you enjoy having your parenting skills slated and your children slagged off!?!!!! Dear God, I am checking this post desperately hoping you have dumped her! Please god don't let her ensnare you. Why don't you ask your kids what they think of her?

Catsafterme · 03/11/2023 08:31

Not saying it didn't happen but there's that past event that's truly awful for you to know and think about that makes you want to protect and excuse any negative behavior at all costs.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 03/11/2023 08:34

Just because she had an abusive childhood doesn't mean you should have an abusive adulthood.

I have empathy for people with abusive or traumatic experiences and while it may explain the behaviour, it never excuses or justifies it. In fact, a lot of people go to great lengths to ensure others don't suffer like they did.

rantinglunatic · 03/11/2023 08:35

I sound very similar to your girlfriend and you should probably have a chat with my husband! It's no fun living with a volatile, moody individual however great they can be at other times. It is a kind of ptsd, it does cause fight or flight response, it's NOT your problem. Fine if you want to put yourself through that kind of masochistic misery but totally unfair on your kids. She will also get your assets if you marry which should be preserved for your kids.

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