Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

217 replies

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 13:02

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

OP posts:
MrsDaniFilth · 24/10/2023 13:03

you are thinking of having this mans child?!

Insommmmnia · 24/10/2023 13:03

he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money"

He can fuck right off with that bullshit

Do not have children with this man OP, there are so many red flags for financial abuse in there, so so many

ZebraD · 24/10/2023 13:04

I couldn’t be with anyone like this again. I had this and it just didn’t work. I was constantly skint and scraping together to get by every month while he was buying whatever luxuries he wanted. He didn’t even cover living together in fairness. It built up resentment. Just don’t do it is my answer.

Moonlightsonatas · 24/10/2023 13:05

Do not give up your job!

LumpySpaceCow · 24/10/2023 13:07

Run for the hills. I wouldn't even contemplate having a child with this man. Do not leave your job. If he's like this with regards to planning how you will manage finances, he is bound to get more financially abusive as time goes on.

Catsafterme · 24/10/2023 13:08

I don't think that is right, that's a very specific view of how a relationship should be and financially function that leaves him with all the power and control. All good him saying don't discuss divorce but this is what this arrangement protects him against and leaves you worse off in that event.

LumpySpaceCow · 24/10/2023 13:10

A school mum friend did exactly what your talking about- gave up a lucrative career to be a SAHM with the promise of equal access to finances - he would give her 600 per month and that was to cover food, fuel, activities, clothes etc. whilst he had thousands to spend on whatever he pleased (including other women). Needless to say, they are now separated.

jeaux90 · 24/10/2023 13:12

Big hard nope. Don't have a child with this man. Do not marry this man. He sounds like a controlling arse.

AnotherEmma · 24/10/2023 13:14

"Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that."

Are you married to him or not? Why would he say not to marry him if you already have?

Don't have a child with him, make sure you are using very reliable contraception.

As PPs have said, this has financial abuse written all over it.

EllieQ · 24/10/2023 13:16

That sounds extremely financially controlling, especially the part where he will be monitoring what money you spend. As others have said, that is a red flag and I would not want to have children with this man. You would be left very vulnerable, financially, if you stop working.

I also noticed that he says there will be one account ‘for bills’ and you will have a credit card - are you expected to pay all child-related costs (clothes, toys, baby groups) on your credit card, and he will pay for it every month? Will be complain that you’re spending too much on things he thinks are unnecessary?

It also sounds like he doesn’t have separate business and personal accounts from your description, which seems dodgy.

PinkRoses1245 · 24/10/2023 13:18

Please do not have a child with him, and definitely do not quit your job. The only way it works to be a SAHM is all finances pooled and equal access. If you are married, if you divorce you are entitled to a fair split of assets. But you’d be in a harder position to get a job if you’ve not worked for multiple years.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 13:19

EllieQ · 24/10/2023 13:16

That sounds extremely financially controlling, especially the part where he will be monitoring what money you spend. As others have said, that is a red flag and I would not want to have children with this man. You would be left very vulnerable, financially, if you stop working.

I also noticed that he says there will be one account ‘for bills’ and you will have a credit card - are you expected to pay all child-related costs (clothes, toys, baby groups) on your credit card, and he will pay for it every month? Will be complain that you’re spending too much on things he thinks are unnecessary?

It also sounds like he doesn’t have separate business and personal accounts from your description, which seems dodgy.

Yes I assume he would complain if he thought they was unnecessary because he has already given me the lecture on wants vs needs.

OP posts:
burntoutnurse · 24/10/2023 13:19

Do not give up your job.

Do not marry this man

Do not have a child with this man.

My dp pays all the bills,

I still work and have my own money.

SlipperyLizard · 24/10/2023 13:20

Dont have a child with this man!

When DH took a step back in his career after kids, we carried on as we always had, all income (his now much reduced) into one account, all spends from the same account. Spend what we need and discuss any big purchases. At one point I was earning c 10x what he was. Still joint money, because only by him taking a step back to be there for the kids was I able to pursue my career.

Your DH sounds like a controlling knob.

AnotherEmma · 24/10/2023 13:21

You've started lots of threads about him in the last month or so. Why not stick to one thread with all the info in it?

Chewbecca · 24/10/2023 13:21

I do agree his business expenses should be separate from the family expenses, and you.
Other than that - oh my goodness, this has disaster written all over it. Please don’t give up your career, income, pension and independence to have a baby with this man.

olderbutwiser · 24/10/2023 13:22

Would this leave you vulnerable?

Yes. You will be 100% dependent on him for money and he has already clearly told you he will be controlling and judging your spending. He is asking you to trust him when he has not shown himself to be trustworthy and he clearly does not trust you.

Do not have a child with this man.

Astonymission · 24/10/2023 13:23

While you’re taking care of the home and raising his child instead of having equal access to the money he will give you an “allowance” lol nope - bad deal !

Even if you don’t divorce this isn’t an arrangement I’d advise anyone to get into unless perhaps they had a serious issue with gambling and they wanted to give control of finances to partner.

gotomomo · 24/10/2023 13:23

Does he have any reason to think you can't manage money? It seems very controlling on the face of it unless you have a history of running up sets he's bailed you out on for instance.

My instinct is to say run! Alternatively do not give up work

Mischance · 24/10/2023 13:23

How can you consider having a child with a man who has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money"?

This is not the sort of partnership where a child could have a happy upbringing.

cestlavielife · 24/10/2023 13:25

Walk away now
Find a decent person

Have a child with an equal human being

In a divorce he will hide his assets you get zero

Insommmmnia · 24/10/2023 13:25

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 13:19

Yes I assume he would complain if he thought they was unnecessary because he has already given me the lecture on wants vs needs.

Show quote history

So you are adult enough for him to have sex with and to carry a baby

But child enough for him to lecture and check if your purchases pass his approval

Urgh, I'm amazed you even want to have sex with him tbh

Whattodowithit88 · 24/10/2023 13:25

Should it be joint money to cover bills, joint money to cover child expenses then his own money then your own money. Or is your own money what’s covering the child costs?

Just no, who don’t need to prove to anyone you can be trusted with money, does he prove to you that he can be? Why does he need his own money then? Do you get to look through that and tut his spent money on whatever? Financial control is not a good relationship to enter, keep your job, don’t move.

TwilightSkies · 24/10/2023 13:26

Don’t have a child with him! You are in the lucky position of seeing his true feelings BEFORE you get pregnant. You have an amazing opportunity here! Don’t get trapped!

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 24/10/2023 13:26

Run

And don't look back

Swipe left for the next trending thread