Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

So you don't contribute at all financially even though you're working?

Financial abuse

For starters - if you are under US law - do a pre-nap and negotiate conditions for post marriage/kids/situation when you are not working because you are taking care of kids.

Generally - while i think some sort of ‘own money’ one isn’t fully accountable for spending is Ok in a relationship - BUT it needs to be fair and apply to both spouses.
Regardless of who is working and who is at home providing childcare.

But the worrying facts about him is that he is so vocal upfront about needing to be in control of finances. And needing to control your spending - and checking your credit card while you are not working.
A friend was in a setup like this - and it was a source of constant arguments and resentments.

Unless one of the partners have a recognised problem with overspending and the couple is jointly working on it - there is no justification for controlling your spouse’s credit card. IF you are operating within some sort of jointly agreed on budget and ‘guidelines’.
Emphasis is on joint here.

It doesn’t seem like he wants to be married in the sense of joining your lives fully. So - in this case - you NEED to protect yourself the way he is protecting himself.
Pre-nap. Agree on how finances work if you stay home with a child.
And - in your case - i’d not give up my job.

Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with this set up had he not mentioned micromanaging your spending and the comments implying you were a gold digger. Lecturing you about wants and needs etc. If he saw your contribution to the family as equal to his and saw the money as jointly yours then again, I think it's a fair arrangement. But that's not the case here.

@Golden407

Of course I do. I pay for the groceries, my car bills, tv licence, pet insurance, children's things,

He pays the main bills, gas and electricity, water, council tax. No mortgage to pay.

There is absolutely no financial abuse here. We are planning our wedding and everything for that is split down the middle

This is the time in a relationship, the going out with someone period, when you're likely to learn what someone can be like, how they treat you and others, their behaviour pattens their future plans and such.
Sometimes people hide their real self so you have to be open minded and pick up on any thoughts that don't sit right and turn them over in your head.

This man however is letting you know well beforehand what he intends to treat you like and also what he expects from you.

You are in a relationship where you're going in with your eyes wide open and now know what those expectations are and if you go ahead with the marriage you'll be pretty much accepting those terms.

What if you do have a child and your DP/DH decides he no longer wants anything to do with either of you financially but still expects to have a say in how the DC is bought up, are you ready to spend the next 2 or so decades, give or take putting up with his demands.

On a side note his family saying he is a big provider and wants to earn as much money as possible for his family doesn't really tie in with his financial chit chats with you.

Get legal advice it's all very well while he wants to provide for you and any children what happens if he changes his mind?

Listen to your gut, your body is telling you this is wrong. If you marry this man and God forbid have his child, he has already told you in plain sight how he fully intends to carry on financially abusing you under the guise of 'looking after you'. A classic tactic btw, to control you and make you so dependent on him, so you feel trapped and unable to leave!

You're lucky he's being so upfront with his cuntish behavior. You can't say you weren't warned if you agree to his ludicrous financial proposition. Please heed the good advice on here or read some of the horror stories on MN of women being financially abused and how debilitating and vulnerable that leaves them. You still have time to say no and walk away, good luck with it all, I hope you get out!

Some massive red flags.
If he's monitoring your spending then you are going to end up in a situation where you have to justify every haircut, takeaway coffee, outing with the child... Imagine not being able to treat your child to an ice cream without fear of a lecture that it's a want and not a need...

In case of a split, self employed men can minimise their child maintenance payments using legal loopholes (accounting tricks) so be warned.

Now that he's brought up money, you need to know where his assets lie. For example if his house is owned by his parents then it's not a matrimonial assets. If the cash is in the business then getting your fair share is going to take time and money.

If you do go ahead then ask him to pay into your pension at the same rate that you pay now. It will also be better for you if he transfers cash so you can have some financial privacy and flexibility but make sure that the amount of fair and includes both necessities like car insurance as well as realistic child expenses and personal expenses for you like haircuts.

Personally he's a walking red flag who I wouldn't have a child with or marry. The watching what you spend is chilling and a sign that he either doesn't know you or judges you for your financial habits. He's setting himself up as a financial controller if you imo.

he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money"

For this alone, I'd ditch him

How many posts have I read here on MN which start with a woman acknowledging that she 'isn't good with money' which turn out to be that she never has any money because all child and child related costs appear to be down to her.

Ask yourself Why is it up to you to prove something to him? Are you not currently equals. Don't let having D.C. put you in a position where you are beholden to a man, well certainly not to this man.

Other men can be and are decent and fair minded. He doesn't seem to be

he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials.

Horrible. Just horrible.

Another consideration if you're US based - would he be making provision for your healthcare too and what will that look like?

I know spousal insurance is a thing, but as it's his business he may be taking the same approach as he does with paying himself - bare minimum required.

Even if that's squared away, I've got to be honest this does not sound like a set up that would suit a more modern woman with her own mind who wants to make at least some decisions on her own merit, not just because the husband says so. It sounds like your fiance wants a 1950s wife who is utterly under the control of their husband because 'he provides'.

No matter what legal things are agreed, you're going to be tied into a marriage with a strict expectation of your behaviour and acquiescence. Not just from the man you plan on marrying, but his entire family and friend network. Personally, that wouldn't suit me...do you think it would suit you @amanda2k4 ?

The fact he says he’ll only fund essentials is a huge red flag for me. Who is he to define what is essential - tampons? Soft play? Coffees out? Holidays? As well, why doesn’t he want you to have a few luxuries if you’re sacrificing your career to bring up his children? He should want you to have nice things and treats rather than an austere life, it’s a family not a workhouse.

I’d also be very nervous about taking the risk of putting everything on a credit card if he plans to vet your purchases. If he declines to pay the bill because he finds an unauthorised luxury, how do you plan to clear it without your own income?

Those are just the short term issues, what would happen if you divorce is a whole other issue to unpack. I would run from this proposal - it’s patronising, controlling and you would be taking on all the risk while he enjoys the benefit of free childcare.

Well they're bound to support him, aren't they?

You'll be making a huge mistake becoming dependent on a man who says you're a gold digger and who expects to control the finances.

Why do you want to be with someone who thinks like that about you? He doesn't even like you to speak about you that way. He's a big old misogynistic controlling type, and you should run away instead of ttc with him.

Wow…do you know my ex husband lols…

He wants to monitor your credit card spending like you are a 13 year old...
Absolutely run for the hills
A man like this places absolutely no value on "women's work" like raising his children.

I had an overdraft of £1600 from being a student when I met my exH. He paid off my overdraft which I didn't ask him to do which many would think was a lovely gesture however he held it over my head constantly. I was working and paying my contribution to the household bills etc. Yet if I bought myself a t-shirt I would get "Why are you buying clothes, you don't need more clothes, this is how you end up in your overdraft and I'm not bailing you out again". Even if I said it was only £2 from Asda, he'd ask to see the receipt and still grumble. If my mum had bought me something he wouldn't believe me. Yet he would treat himself to designer clothes quite often.

He's spent a fortune on my Xmas and birthday gifts but everyone had to know that it was him that bought me those boots. If I got complimented on something he'd say "I bought her that".

Do not reproduce with this specimen. You’d be knowingly, actively signing up for misery, control and more abuse, and inflicting that on a kid. Look in to ridding yourself of this piece of trash, quickly.

I remember a similar thread on here. Perhaps that was your friend?

There is so much paternalistic bullshit going on. He wants to check your spending until he is sure you (a grown woman) are mature enough to spend it. He lectures you on wants vs needs. You should be lucky he wants to take care of you.

Nowhere in all of this do his family or him seem to see you as an independent woman with her own income currently.

He (and his family) seem to expect you to have unceasing gratitude for the money he earns but no acknowledgement whatsoever of the sacrifices - mental, physical, emotional and financial - that you appear to be making here.

The gratitude is all expected one way here and when you are up and down all night doing the night feeds (because he can't with his big important job), being expected to do all the housework, laundry, cooking and parenting (because he can't with his big important job), and having every penny you spend scrutinised because you dared by more clothes for the baby that he thinks is necessary, and you are still expected to provide sex on demand and not "nag" him to do anything that gratitude is going to disappear very fucking fast.

The thing is that you would be going from a paid job to one where he pays you and closely monitors every single thing you spend your money on. Who the hell would want that? Don't do this to yourself. There are far far better men out there. This one is like Chairman Mao with all his red flags.

OP, you will rue the day you married him and even worse that you were foolish enough to have a child with this controlling mean man.

Ignore your gut and regret it.

Your gut is screaming at you to get the hell away from him.

He sounds like nasty disrespectful abusive scum.

Get away while you can.

He is completely untrustworthy.

I wouldn't inflict him on a cat, not to mind a child.

Nope, that's controlling. If it was flipped the other way, would he be happy with just a credit card? Also, what about your pension? Is he going to pay into that? So many things wrong here.

He's not hiding the fact he is controlling, doesn't trust you and that he'll be financially abusive. What's not to love? Honestly, @amanda2k4 I like you more than he does

So if you went along with this and he didn't pay the credit card what then?

Or what if his business went belly up?

I would rely on him to even pay the basics.

My very worst decision was making myself financially vulnerable. I felt hopeless and trapped with a baby. Do not be me!

He's a twat.

This.

Surely this can't be real?

WHY would anyone consider starting off on this basis? Having his CHILD for fucks sake? Honestly how have we got into this state where women are SO downtrodden they think this is remotely OK?!

Who brought you up OP? They've done a poor job of instilling confidence and values into you. Please recognise this and focus on building yourself up rather than allowing him to crush even further down. And for fucks sake don't bring a kid into this shit show