Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

Nasty control freak.

Turn it around. Can he explain why it would be OK for you to not only give up your own income in the present, but also sacrifice

• your future earning power,
• potential career progression,
• personal development,
• training opportunities,
• networking opportunities
• pension contributions

for the sake of staying at home rearing his children and enabling him to work unhindered and pursue his own financial advancement - only to be left up shit creek in the event of a divorce if he had his way and wasn't prepared to share marital assets evenly? (Fortunately the law disagrees with him).

If it's such a great deal, why doesn't he encourage you to stay at work, and him be the sahp?

If he wants a stay at home wife, he needs to value her. Her unpaid labour would facilitate his desired lifestyle. He'd need to view it as a team effort and both contributions to family life as of equal worth. And if you view it as a true partnership, you would know that 50/50 is fair.

You have more to lose than he does. Or rather, worse case, he could end up with 50% or you could end up with nothing. He'd rather you end up with nothing than him risk losing anything. Selfish git.

“Turn it around. Can he explain why it would be OK for you to not only give up your own income in the present, but also sacrifice

• your future earning power,
• potential career progression,
• personal development,
• training opportunities,
• networking opportunities
• pension contributions

for the sake of staying at home rearing his children and enabling him to work unhindered and pursue his own financial advancement - only to be left up shit creek in the event of a divorce if he had his way and wasn't prepared to share marital assets evenly? (Fortunately the law disagrees with him).

If it's such a great deal, why doesn't he encourage you to stay at work, and him be the sahp?

If he wants a stay at home wife, he needs to value her. Her unpaid labour would facilitate his desired lifestyle. He'd need to view it as a team effort and both contributions to family life as of equal worth. And if you view it as a true partnership, you would know that 50/50 is fair.”

This. As I said on another of your posts (where you seemed to be talking about a friend’s position), this man (your BF) is not a safe partner for an SAHM situation.

Do yourself a favor and exit the relationship. Are you really that desperate for a baby?

He's using you! Do not saddle a human being with this grifter for a father, please.

Maintain your independence, dump him and hold out for a decent man.

What age are you? Are you a US citizen? Is he?

Why is his family involved???

Just run. Stop thinking you should be grateful to this abusive asshole.

I don’t even know where to start with this man and his bullshit. Planning for you to quit your job with no access to money is NOT looking after you. He has zero respect for you. No to marrying him, no to having a child with him, no to quitting your job. So he knows one fucked up relationship, don’t make yours a second.

So he won’t pay for your spending but you should give up your job to care for his baby. Just run. Find someone who thinks of a family as something you create together. Find someone who loves and respects you, he doesn’t do either. Tell him you won’t end up like his poor mum, and this isn’t going to walk out.

You would be fucking mad to agree to this.

Ask him if he would be willing to sign a post nup that would require him to pay into a pension for you and agrees that any property you buy will remain your asset, given that he has the business.

He will say no, judging by what he has said already.

But, if you're determined to stay, then do NOT give up work. Chances are though if you divorce you might end up paying HIM off in a settlement if he has hidden his money away in a company that you can't touch. I hope that's food for thought.

OP he's future-faking you. Look it up, please, how can you be so gullible.

he can use whatever fancy words he like now to trap you into having a child, telling you everything will be fine and money will flow your way, but that will all change at the flick of a switch, when he suddenly does a massive U turn and decides he's changing his made-up terms of reference that are written nowhere and mean nothing because they are a bunch of lies.

the very fact you believe he would accuse you of being a gold-digger because you want financial protection by becoming a partner in his business, speaks volumes.

Look, you have been given dozens of warning by people on here who have seen this behaviour before and recognise it for what it is, not just now, but in the future. Things can turn in a sixpence, what someone like your DH says one minute can change in a heartbeat if only you'd believe those red flags. Your life, your choice, don't say you haven't been warned.

You need your own ring-fenced finances that don't rely on a man dishing it out to you as and when he feels like it.

Good point re future faking. About 8 years ago I met a man while travelling in america who wanted us to get married and have kids almost immediately. He claimed I’d be able to work if I wanted to but I wouldn’t need to and he’d provide everything for me especially after I had kids . On my last night this man took me and my friend out to a pizza place he recommended in nyc. He made us all split the bill 3 ways . Now, he was a lawyer and owned various properties in Brooklyn but he couldn’t even take care of this farewell treat.

This was a red flag because he was all talk about future generosity but the first opportunity he had to show it he didn't. I didn’t marry him so I never found out for sure in the end.

tldr - Is your partner generous now with all the money he earns? It’s all very well talking about how well he will take care of you but if you’ve not seen any evidence of it yet it can all just be talk.

thank you - this is what i was after to use as negotiation points with him. When I asked about having oversight (not to use the money) but just oversight and view of the money he told me i would see the tax returns at the end of the year :/

@amanda2k4

Everyone has told you this man is abusive, and he’s offering you a terrible “deal” , but you’re still trying to negotiate with him ?

The mind boggles - cut your losses and find a decent man who doesn’t act like he’s the gift and you’re the lucky one.

There is no point negotiating with him.

He's not going to have an epiphany because of some well made points from lots of women who have been there before you.

He sees you as lesser - you can't negotiate that out of him.

OP, this is another example of your being naive and gullible. You can negotiate the fuck out of him in blood and get all the reassurances but he can turn around after you have his child and are stuck and go back on every single one of them and hide his money.

You are clutching at straws to make this work, so you start these threads in for a glimmer of hope.

You are already sunk. You seriously need to open your eyes.

Yes I am starting to see everything much clearer - that is not to say I am not upset mentally - I was due to marry this person, to think that he see's me as lesser is quite frankly heart breaking. @BlueEyedPeanut @Dery @category12 @Geppili @LaurieStrode @Honeychickpea @Codlingmoths @OrderOfTheKookaburra @daisychain01 @Astonymission thank you for all the comments. I tried having a discussion last night with him; I will tell you how the conversation went: (you guys are honestly going to think I am mad to put up with this so please be kind to me lol - i do see this is unnacceptable, but then the stupid part of me is like maybe he is trying to look after our money for both of us so I don't waste it?? but the way he goes about things is just damn right rude.

"Do you think if I was at home with kids that we should both have similar disposable income, and even though you say I wouldn't have control of the finances would I have awareness/view of them?"

him "Sure babe whatever you say"

"surely its fair to both be left with similar disposable incomes each month?"

him "why are you so concerned about needing to know about the finances and having to watch the account? I don't get it honestly. You cant stand the fact that my money is my money, I have noticed. You have to stop with this whole fairness stuff, life isn't fair"

"well mine is fair, you can have control of the finances and I would have to trust you, so why wouldn't I have a view of what is going on, I am not down for you having secret money"

him "Secret money? you sound ridiculous, why are you so worried about it"

me "do I get to review your credit card too then?"

him "no because I do not buy anything, I don't know why you think I am hiding something babe. My money is my hard earned money period. Get out of this realm where you think you deserve to oversee my every move when in fact i have all of my shit together. You have no respect for how I do things. You fight me on everything, everyday you go against me, you want to blow money you do not have. You don't have a say in every dollar i will ever have. Who said you aren't going to know about my money?! you will know on my terms when i tell you"

He couldn't make it any clearer. You will never be safe with him. You're actually very lucky here. A lot of women don't find out this side of their "partners" until it's too late. Please be sensible.

OP is this some kind of arranged marriage or external pressure to marry this arsehole? Because someone not in this situation would tell him to fuck off, which is why I am thinking you are being ‘pressured’ as I am trying to understand why else you’re putting up with it, not married, no kids it’s easy to leave. I read many similar posts and draw the same conclusion because of how the man is unapologetically awful that he doesn’t even need to hide who he is because he knows the woman is going to marry him either way so doesn’t need to try to win you over

Jesus fucking Christ!!! Just when you thought it couldn't get worse.

He's spelled it out quite plainly for you. His money is his and he doesn't care about what's fair. Wow!

I'm so glad you said you were going to marry him because it means you haven't already. Please run the fuck away from this guy!

@Laurdo but then he makes out I am crazy for thinking he will have his own private money and that he will be hiding anything - its very confusing.

I haven’t RTFT but an obvious answer to this issue would be a prenup? They are designed for this reason. You could set one up to get around the issue of his assets being hidden in the business - perhaps you get an increasing % stake in the business per year of marriage, or you set a payment on divorce per year of marriage - maybe 100k per year of marriage plus a monthly maintenance until this lump sum is paid. Then ensure you’re on the deeds of any property purchased during the marriage as well. Basically include the business income/profits in the pre nup in some way.

Oh jeez, that last post made my skin crawl, literally goosebumps, he's such a nasty abusive bully. I'm afraid for you, OP, I hope this thread will help you see him how he really is.

You said about being married under US law - are you in the US? If you did have a child and then divorce, you know he'd never let you leave with your child, but he would sure as hell not draw any income so that he didn't have to pay maintenance and would your working depend on still being married to him? Cause that is even more terrifying frankly.

What do you think his parents and friends will say to him when he tells them that his future wife wants a portion of his business? @Sconehenge

The obvious answer is to leave him ASAP, not have a pre-nup! He wants to have total control over all the finances, while expecting you to stay at home, lose out on a career and bring up his children with funds that are inspected regularly.

Come on, OP, don't be stupid. You know you would be miserable with that kind of life.