Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

Because he gets to spend his money as he pleases without you being able to question it. He can treat himself to whatever he wants while you're left holding the baby and being questioned on why you've spent X amount in Tesco. Did you really need a new dress for that wedding? Why have you spent so much on coffee this week? What is this charge? Why did you get a taxi and not a bus?

Why do you even have sex with this man even with birth control?

lets start with the fact that he needs to separate his business and personal books. Has he even set up anything to protect himself from personal financial liability if the business is sued? I know it’s just a quick description on a message board, but something about the way you write this is making me very nervous.

if he actually has all of that properly sorted, then I would only consider having a child together of finances were absolutely equal. That means you have full access to all money and bank accounts. It also means you both have equal discretionary spending. Child and maternity expenses do not count as discretionary spending, they are joint bills. Anything less than that and I wouldn’t have a child with him.

Don't marry this man
Don't have a child with this man
And don't give up your job!

If marriage and children are what you want, find someone who will work with you as a team.

Ask him if his business went under and you were working, would he be happy to live on the same terms?

Do you have to prove you can raise a child to his standards too?

Please advice why you want full access to his bank account which he uses for buisness as well.

Best course of action is
He has his account
You have yours.
He works so do you
You have a joint account for bills and shopping.
If you want to be a sahm then you work out what you can both afford and he sends that to your account.

He has a separate business account that I do not need access too - but he pays himself into his bank account. I am not sure why I wouldn't have access to his personal one if we are married, and I am bringing up the children and cannot work. That said, I know he only transfers over a small amount to what he needs, so he could keep thousands back for himself in the business one while I struggle.

I should add he also accuses me of accusing him of not being able to look after me, saying If I don't think he will look after us and give us a comfortable life then he doesn't know why I am with him.

He is not a good man and partner. He sounds very selfish, it’s never a good base for a relationship.
Of course you can be with him but you need to be as selfish as he is and it sounds that you can’t.
I wouldn’t stay with him , this talking about controlling your spendings and about him having his own money , it’s a very bad sign.

Tbh he is complete twat of the worst order, I just tried to be restrained.

I think the “typical” thing that most married couples do, and what DH & I do, is that we both get paid each month and both of our wages go into a joint “pot”. All of our bills are paid out of that and what’s left is “ours”, there is no his money/my money, we’re married and have a baby on the way, all money is family money. The problem you’re going to have with this (or one of the problems) is that the way your partner is working his finances doesn’t really compute to this system, because it sounds like he doesn’t actually take a “wage” each month, he just takes what he needs as and when? So he currently wouldn’t have X amount for a joint account.

Honestly if I was you I would be running for the hills, this isn’t a man you want to end up stuck with OP with kids involved. You’ll be back on her in a few years time wanting help to leave because you have no access to money and no way of getting out, unemployed, and you’ll potentially also have kids to worry about then. Genuinely, leave now while you’re unattached, he is not the one x

He wants you under his total and complete control.

I should add he also accuses me of accusing him of not being able to look after me, saying If I don't think he will look after us and give us a comfortable life then he doesn't know why I am with him.

So he's already getting you tied up in knots trying to explain yourself in minute detail but still being wrong. Please refer to my first post. I called it. He is abusing you. If you don't believe me/others then please go to the governments own website, CAB, Refuge, Women's Aid, Relate, Age Concern and other reputable agencies and see what their description of emotional, mental and financial abuse is. Then look up coercive control. That is a criminal offence. Dont believe us? Do some research. It's that serious.

Abusers don't stay with one abuse so I am assuming he is also being emotionally and mentally abusive to you right now.

No, no, NO!!

I should add he also accuses me of accusing him of not being able to look after me,

^

In whose interests is it to make you think that???

I replied to your other thread but in a nutshell, no, I don't think you should be a SAHM if this is the attitude your partner has. He sounds financially controlling and the type that actually don't value your role as a sahp.

This is ludicrous. Why would you even consider it?

I agree - I am just torn between such set opinons. My gut says no - but him and his family say he is a big provider, wants to earn as much money as possible for his family, and generally paint the picture I should be lucky he wants to take care of me and look after the family

Ignore them and trust your gut.
Also, don't call him your husband if you're not yet married. He's your fiancé, right? That's good. It means you are free to RUN FOR THE HILLS. Which you should do!

Like it or not you need to maintain your own employment! Full time, part time, casual something. You need to continue paying into your pension.
No one should be asking you why you spent $10 at the post office or why you’re trying out a new $100 face cream.

Well obviously he’s going to say that, and unfortunately people often do get back up from families even if they’re clearly in the wrong.

Him and his family are hardly going to provide objective financial and life advice while trying to screw you over.

Your welfare won’t be paramount in his or his families eyes.

Do you not have your own family or friends you can discuss with? Even without that, there’s no need to be torn - This is a no-brainer really.

The only positive is that you’ve found out he is financially controlling before you are pregnant with his child.

I agree - I am just torn between such set opinons. My gut says no - but him and his family say he is a big provider, wants to earn as much money as possible for his family, and generally paint the picture I should be lucky he wants to take care of me and look after the family

Why would you be grateful for a relationship with someone financially controlling who does not view you as an equal? Believe me, once you have a child and are trapped his contempt for you will only get worse, given he's expressing it now, already.

You'd be insane to go along with this or have a child with him. I worry that the only reason you'd even consider this is because of you having low self-esteem and poor boundaries to start with, and people who are abusive spot this a mile away and target people like that on purpose.

For the sake of you and any hypothetical children, do NOT do this.

I wouldn’t have a baby and a house with a man like this! It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Do you think you need to be looked after in this way deprived of any input into your family finances. Deprived of money of your own and having you spending monitored and controlled.

Even if you were subject to English divorce laws you would be vulnerable in this situation. There are no joint assets and the fact he runs his own business means you would be lucky to get child support. And by the sound of it the business doesn’t have assets either. It’s probably something he can wind down and wind up again in another name. I’d say profits are going to his family not yours.

These are just words, not actions! What he and his family like to say about him being a big provider are not the same as what he actually does which is to let you know that he he going to keep all his money for himself and give you a tiny allowance to manage on which he will maintain control of and probably question you on. Also, you get to do all the child rearing and housework.

"I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off."

This would be fine if you were his young teenage child learning to manage their money for a short while, but for a wife, with no end in sight, it is extremely controlling and very worrying (huge red flag). I found it quite chilling when I read this. Unless you have a huge history of debts, you do not have to prove anything to anyone.

Like others, I cannot see much benefit for you here. Your gut is telling you what you know to be true - he wants a lowly paid servant/maid who does all the wife-work and childcare while he gets to do what he wants. Don't be a mug. There are other, normal guys out there so please throw this one back in the pond.