Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

If you are happy to just be ‘looked after’ on his terms, under his control then go ahead. Personally for me I want to be treated as an equal. The sahp or earning the money is not relevant if you value both positions. He doesn’t. It will be his (hard earned) money which he will control while you stay home having and raising his children and being grateful to the king provider 🤮
If he wants you to give up your job (don’t) then all money should be joint, transparent, controlled by both of you etc. You also need your own personal account with your own spending/saving money, the same as him, and your own pension.
I wouldn’t trust him at this point even if he agreed to this. He has shown you who he is, believe him. Tbf he hasn’t even tried to hide it, because he doesn’t think he’s wrong. He’s so conceited he thinks he’s doing you a favour, and you will be forever indebted to this ‘decent’ man. No thank you from me.

You might be ok being in an abusive relationship but please don't inflict your issues onto your child. Your child will be fucked up by seeing your dynamic and worst case scenario, will repeat it when they are an adult because they think it's normal or even aspirational.

Just like OPs partner is repeated how his dad treated his mum. And look how well that turned out. Woman's now divorced in her 60s and working full time with zero pension to retire on.

OP should could her self lucky that he's shown his true colours before she's commited and that she's had a glimpse of her future in her partner's mother.

Read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You find him confusing because he's abusive and he's messing with your head.

I think this is what has happened to him. His mum and dad were apparently very volatile - and he must think this is normal.

How old are you, OP? I wonder if your username means you were born in 2004??

This is not an excuse - he's an adult now, he is CHOOSING to abuse you.

GTFO.

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

So unfortunately the answer to that is he’s not generous. Paying for something and then complaining or showing resentment is not what generosity is about.

My boyfriend, for example, is not rich but he’ll happily take me out for a 3 course meal or buy me a gift. He is happy to do so and I see that as generous. I have friends who are similar (and I do the same for them). Your partner gives grudgingly -so he is tight fisted not generous.

Men usually get worse, not better, so if he’s like this now I can’t imagine what he will be like when you need to depend on him to buy everything. Please run!

Yes I am starting to see everything much clearer - that is not to say I am not upset mentally - I was due to marry this person, to think that he see's me as lesser is quite frankly heart breaking.

@amanda2k4 I’m glad you’re beginning to realise, please keep posting on here or speaking to trusted friends in real life (your friends not his) he is majorly gaslighting you and has gotten inside your head. In case you’re not familiar with this tactic here’s a link https://www.elitedaily.com/p/4-things-youll-notice-if-your-partner-is-gaslighting-you-according-to-experts-15646289

The tone of the whole conversation you’ve relayed shows a total lack of respect and regard for you. He’s essentially said he can monitor and control what you buy but you can’t even have a look at what he is spending on. How can he even justify that?

He is proposing to treat you like a child.
If you agree to what he says and let him tell you about his spending “on his terms” that could be once every decade if he decides, and even then I doubt he would show you statements or be truthful.

I’m so sorry but it honestly doesn't even sound as if he likes you tbh. Being with a man who views you in the way he does is very risky to the point of dangerous.

you will know on my terms when i tell you

He wants total control.

Whatever this relationship is, it’s not a partnership.

You deserve so much more.

I agree.

Sometimes it’s hard to enforce pre-nups and it’s highly unlikely your partner would sign up to anything like this since he clearly wants to have the upper hand financially.

As pp said he couldn’t be any clearer, he has stated his money is his money. So even if you’re raising a child and taking care of the home he will still see it as his money rather than joint household /family money which is wrong. Many women end up in this situation because their partners hide their true feelings around money until they get pregnant and they find themselves stuck and struggling having to plead for bits of money.

This is a great opportunity for you to escape asap since you already know what he is like, so at least you don’t need to end up in that situation.

Dear OP, this man is not a good man, not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, not someone you want to have kids with. It is clear as day. I spent most of my life with someone who messed up with my brain in a similar way. It was just confusing, always, me trying to make sense of it and him twisting it so it seemed that I was wrong. This is called gaslighting and the purpose is control. Please do not stay with this man a minute longer. I do not know know you but I can tell from your posts you are million times better person than he is, you will find someone worthy of your love.

Run away. Fast.

@amanda2k4
Giving up your job and your financial independence is what leaves you vulnerable. If you plan to split the cost of child care in half, even if that leaves you strapped for a few years, you are still able to advance in your career and pay into your pension plan.

If you look around you, you see many happy and well adjusted kids coming from home with 2 working parents, and unfortunately in the event of a divorce, non working women usually end up in far worse situations than working women.

Men see successful working women everyday in the workplace. Many of these women are married with children. They see women managing home, children and work. They hear these women talking about their children's school experiences, sporting events, music and dance activities. The come to realize that it is possible to negotiate a successful life with 2 working partners, and I believe in many instances they begin to question the contribution of the non working partner particularly if the working partner feels overburdened with financial stress and concerns. I suspect that a lot of resentment builds in these types of arrangements.

No matter which country you get married in, you will NOT be allowed to take any future DC out of the US unless he explicitly gives you approval, which you know he never will.

Stop tangling yourself up in working out how you can protect yourself, the fact that it is even such a massive issue means you should NOT stay with this man!

JFC OP. Just stop. The man is a walking red flag. Stop trying to justify this shit.

Leave and don't look back. Seriously this is really really bad and for some reason you are trying to work out how to have a life and child with someone who is a shitbag.