Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

Vulnerable with a capital V... do NOT do this. It is possible to be a SAHM with a reduced risk but your boyfriend sounds like a controlling patronising arsehole.

If my DH and I were planning on having children and he was earning enough that I didn't have to work, suggested he pay all the bills and I have a credit card which he would pay off every month, to be honest I'd be quite happy with that. The difference is I know my DH wouldn't micromanage my spending and wouldn't begrudge me treating myself now and again. He also sees any money that either of us make as our money.

The issue you have is that he has told you he will be closely monitoring your spending and made comments about you "getting your hands on his money". In a marriage is shouldn't be "his" money. He clearly sees himself as the one on charge and for this reason I'd say that makes you vulnerable.

FWIW, my DH would be deeply upset if I mentioned anything about us getting divorced, as would I. So I understand your DH feeling a kind of way about you bringing that up but I'm also not naive enough not to realise that a lot of marriages do end in divorce. I've been divorced myself.

This is not what a proper, shared partnership relationship looks like and I would not marry this man.

As it happens I have always earned more than my husband as he runs his own business and it's had its ups and downs. We share all our money though. Even if we didn't (never occurred to me not to), I would not see it as me being able to spend more than he could. I do check our accounts and ask him what certain payments are for, but only to understand our outgoings.

Your partner sounds very controlling over this. Maybe he will try to control in other ways too once you are married. If you were my friend, I would try to persuade you to change your mind.

Good god why would even think about a relationship let alone a baby with this man??

run away very quickly

Oh, I see you are already married. Was your parents relationship like this - man in charge?

Come on, OP, give yourself a shake.

Why would you do this to yourself?

Why would you knowingly put a child in this position?

Others have highlighted the obvious and immediate problems.

What I would add is if he runs his own company and you marry, have children and then divorce you are like likely fucked anyway.

Pardon my french but I know several women burned by this. The husband leaves all the assets in the business and pays themselves the bare minimum so they can dodge CMS pay £20pm while driving a Tesla and living in a 6 bed detached. They would literally rather their child go without than give their mother what is fair.

Your DP (soon to be DH?)strikes me as a man who would fall in this camp.

If you want to protect yourself with a man like this...

• get assets in your own name
• become a director in his business
• stay in separate employment and don't deprioritise it when you have kids even if you want to.
• try and negotiate lower £ contributions to the household.
• have your own separate savings
• agree who will make pension contributions for you when on mat leave

Get all this in place before you even think about having a baby

Bluntly you would be MAD to give up your job and his attitude sucks so whatever happens it sounds inadvisable to have a child together/you should expect the worst.

Christ almighty. Financial control right there! Do not give up your job. Do not have a child with this man. Fuck all of that.

Hey - you seem to of nailed it because he does only pay himself as and when he needs to out of the business. I have been telling him he needs to pay himself more because of we want to buy a house soon and obviously they go on earnings, but I think he just transfers as and when we need it. We would fall under USA law, and anything he owns PRE MARRIAGE (his business) would actually be his assets, therefore, does this mean if he keeps all the money in the business account I wouldn't be entitled to anything? or any child maintenance? that is scary

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money

no, of course you wouldn’t get half his own money if uou divorced, you would get half the marital assets as a starting point, inc joint savings, but you’d likely never be entitled to half his earnings, or even a small portion of it, spousal maintenace is very rare.

its your choice if you wish to have a child with this man, but you’d be very foolish to give up work and be financially reliant on him. Personally I think any woman who chooses to be financially reliant u less they have a reason, ie child with additional needs or their own disability, is very foolish.

I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off.

This sounds a bit controlling.
What happens if he decides you can't prove to him that you can manage money, does he still pay off the card or are you left to somehow produce the funds to do so?
Bit of a red flag there.

YES you would be incredibly vulnerable under this scenario. You need to either marry him or continue to work full time when you have - baby (and make sure he pays his fair share of childcare and other child related costs). Or preferably leave him, as he sounds like a not very nice person.

@Totalwasteofpaper I am laughing at the thought of asking to become a director in his business - he will literally call me a gold digger.... but you are correct if he keeps all his money in his business, and he owned it before we got married (in US law this classes as his own and will not be split in divorce) them I am unsure whether I would get half - maybe i would get half of what the business earns post marriage? I need to find out.

This is how it should be. Currently I'm the higher earner and DH started a new career so had started on a lower salary. I took a £20k pay cut so I could WFH and do the school run to allow him to start this new career. Something we both discussed and agreed upon. He knows people in the industry so knew the earning potential so it was worth us both taking a hit for a short while. He's now been given an opportunity within his job that would mean he will be making really good money and enough that I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to.

Any time he talks about potential earning he refers to "we". We could do this, we could afford that. Everything we earn goes into the one pot. For us, it doesn't matter about the numbers and who earns what. We both work equally as hard to give ourselves and family the best life possible. It just so happens that some jobs pay more than others and of course some such as childcare and housework go unpaid.

OPs marriage is not a partnership, it's a dictatorship.

He is not a good or decent man and would actually be financially abusive to you when you were most vulnerable. Abusers don't stay with one abuse so I am assuming he is also being emotionally and mentally abusive to you right now. Open your eyes.

Dont have a baby with him.
Dont buy a house with him.
Don't marry him.
Don't stay with him.
Run.

Why are you with this man when he treats you like a bit of an idiot? Watching what you spend ffs. He sounds more like he'll be pulling all your strings if you have a child with him.
Please listen to randoms who can see what is happening here / have similar experiences and seriously reconsider this relationship.

I know I sound like an idiot - but my past relationships have mainly been 50/50 and when my partner says to me it should be enough that he is willing to pay for absolutely everything and I do not have to contribute but if I can then great, I do partly feel like I should be grateful..

Why would you be grateful?
You'd have no assets as it's his business, no pension, no protection, no career.

Sounds bloody awful to me.

Fuck that shit. This is a massive trap he is setting. The only good thing is he is telling you in advance. I can't believe you are asking if you should walk into it. You will:

Be his skivvy
Be treated like crap
Your work and contribution to to home treated as having no value.
Have no money of your own whilst he has whatever he wants.
Have no freedom to go out
Be 100% default childcare
Be completely screwed over and left penniless in a divorce

Why on earth would you consider this life? It's madness.

Even if you keep your job he may well sabotage you after you have a baby so you can't return.

He’s done you the favour of being very open about his intentions to have you under full control. Testing you to see if you can manage money?? Fuck that shit. This is very high handed of him to say the least. Don’t let this happen. If you have a baby you’ll never get out of this pickle without a divorce. He’ll see what it’s like to have you “after his money” then won’t he.

Yes I completely agree with other posters, do not marry this man, do not even think about having a child to this man. Pack your bags right now and just leave.

The time period before you marry a man is when he acts the best he ever will toward you, and this a-hole is already calling you a gold digger. Do not marry him and do not have children with him. He doesn't respect you, and where there is no respect there can be no love. Please get out now.

Based on what you have posted he is showing abusive tendencies. Please read up about them. You would be trapped by this man and totally reliant.

He would give you a pittance and complain if you spent a fiver on coffee or a new baby outfit.
He would expect you to look after the baby 24/7.
He would expect you to be the cleaner, decorator, gardener etc. with no "help".
He would "treat" himself.
He would go out whenever he felt like it because he deserves it.

You would have zero control of your life for the rest of your life. Oh....and I bet he wouldn't top up your pension stamps once your joint child reaches 12yrs. So you would have no state pension either.

Please take time and read the (too) many threads in Relationships and Divorce boards to see this scenario play out again and again and again. Do. Not. Do. It.

Please do not have a child with this man.

If you must have a child with him, please do not give up work.

Fuck that.

The attitude alone is reason enough not to have children with him, never mind the actual financial control.