Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

217 replies

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 13:02

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 17:58

My gut says no -
Your gut is screaming no loud enough for you to make a thread. Now you have read all the posts what are you thinking?

Dotty87 · 24/10/2023 18:00

Run, thank your lucky stars you aren't pregnant and get far far away. What happens if he decides you are spending too much, or buying things he doesn't deem necessary? Does the credit card get withdrawn? Then what do you do for money? He wants you totally dependent on him, otherwise he's be planning a joint account and to share everything equally. How would he react if you wanted to check his spending habits? I bet he wouldn't be happy with that, and neither should you.

blueshoes · 24/10/2023 18:06

It is irrelevant if he is a big provider if he is going to financially abuse you.

Don't let future dollar signs blind you to what he is telling you outright about himself and how little he trusts you. You'd be a fool to go into this.

I am not even sure why you need to ask or start so many threads about this waste of space.

MariaLuna · 24/10/2023 18:24

He sounds awful and something out of the 1950's. I would never want to bring a child up in that kind of set-up OP.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary so I presume you have your own bank account?

Why are you letting a man dictate your life like that? I would recommend some personal therapy.

I live alone, I have a bank account and a credit card. Life is great when there's no man around telling me what I can or cannot do.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/10/2023 18:50
  1. do not have a child with this man
  2. what he is proposing smacks of financial abuse I would be leaving
SuperGreens · 24/10/2023 19:02

By agreeing to this set up you risk or lose your career, your freedom, your choices in life, your financial future, and you also potentially risk your health having a baby.

He risks and loses nothing. In fact he gains a child or children that he will required to contributed nothing towards, and yet still claim all parental rights to. And he also gains an unpaid 24/7 child and house care.

Why would you agree to that?

BlueEyedPeanut · 24/10/2023 19:06

Money is power in a relationship. Don't give up yours. Never put yourself in the position of being at the mercy of a controlling man.

OhComeOnFFS · 24/10/2023 19:10

OK so you have every woman on here saying you'd have to be crazy to do this.

You have his family saying you'd be crazy not to.

Does anything about that look odd to you?

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 19:25

boomtickhouse · 24/10/2023 17:58

This.

Surely this can't be real?

WHY would anyone consider starting off on this basis? Having his CHILD for fucks sake? Honestly how have we got into this state where women are SO downtrodden they think this is remotely OK?!

Who brought you up OP? They've done a poor job of instilling confidence and values into you. Please recognise this and focus on building yourself up rather than allowing him to crush even further down. And for fucks sake don't bring a kid into this shit show

Show quote history

I know I know - but surely this is how things work when there is a SAHM - they do give up work to look after the kids HOWEVER my problem and I think the biggest red flag is the unwillingness to share his money and I am kept at arms length with a credit card that he gets to analyse every month. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me, but the insecure side of me is listening to his family thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home.

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 24/10/2023 19:28

BlueEyedPeanut · 24/10/2023 19:06

Money is power in a relationship. Don't give up yours. Never put yourself in the position of being at the mercy of a controlling man.

I fully agree with this, or at least that money can be power in a relationship unless the financially stronger party takes very concrete steps to give up the power.

He is doing the exact opposite.

If the OP were my friend or my daughter then I would be begging her to keep her job and exit the relationship, and not to negotiate about that even if he changes his tune.

blueshoes · 24/10/2023 19:41

Doesn't sound like a partnership to me, but the insecure side of me is listening to his family thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home.

What do you mean 'insecure'? What are you insecure about? You earn your own money and are your own woman.

Do you mean 'naive' or 'overtrusting' or 'blind'?

Becoming an SAHM in these circumstances is not a privilege but a trap. You can see it with your own eyes but still persist in starting so many threads about this topic.

Ignore the obvious at your peril.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 24/10/2023 19:48

@amanda2k4 you posted about the same stuff yesterday but as though it wasn't about you, I remember your username now. And then you've posted it again but saying it is about your own situation. Both times you've been told this is a terrible idea, he is controlling, he is setting out a manifesto for financial abuse before even having children, you will be miserable and unable to leave the relationship if you need or want to, and frankly someone who could treat a woman like that - set out from the start with this as his stated intention - can't be a good father, can he? What message does it send to any daughter you might have, to see her mother subjugated like that? What kind of son could you raise in that environment, who would grow up with respect for women as his equals?

You've been told on both threads that this is a terrible, terrible idea. So the question is, why are you posting more threads and not listening to people's responses?

Rainbowqueeen · 24/10/2023 19:54

It’s financially abusive and I would walk away now.

Insommmmnia · 24/10/2023 19:55

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 19:25

I know I know - but surely this is how things work when there is a SAHM - they do give up work to look after the kids HOWEVER my problem and I think the biggest red flag is the unwillingness to share his money and I am kept at arms length with a credit card that he gets to analyse every month. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me, but the insecure side of me is listening to his family thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home.

Show quote history

There is nothing lucky about being with a man who thinks you are a gold digger but is still willing to fuck you

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 19:56

blueshoes · 24/10/2023 19:41

Doesn't sound like a partnership to me, but the insecure side of me is listening to his family thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home.

What do you mean 'insecure'? What are you insecure about? You earn your own money and are your own woman.

Do you mean 'naive' or 'overtrusting' or 'blind'?

Becoming an SAHM in these circumstances is not a privilege but a trap. You can see it with your own eyes but still persist in starting so many threads about this topic.

Ignore the obvious at your peril.

yes i guess i meant naive side of me @blueshoes . He makes me feel like it is a privilege to have someone want to pay for them etc. Ironically enough, his mum had the same set up - they are now divorced and she is fighting to get her hands on his pension because she doesn't have one and is working full time as an air hostess at 60. PS I am listening to the responses @IBlinkThereforeIAm I wanted specific advice for this set up. it has made me see things differently thinking if he hid his finances in his business.. I would love to also keep my job and be part time - but because I work from home I still think the household responsibilities would still fall on me..

OP posts:
Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 19:57

Insommmmnia · 24/10/2023 19:55

There is nothing lucky about being with a man who thinks you are a gold digger but is still willing to fuck you

Show quote history

@Insommmmnia well he didn't say those exact words - but he did say why are you trying to get your hands on all my money :/ and that he isnt funding my spending habits..

OP posts:
Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 20:02

MariaLuna · 24/10/2023 18:24

He sounds awful and something out of the 1950's. I would never want to bring a child up in that kind of set-up OP.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary so I presume you have your own bank account?

Why are you letting a man dictate your life like that? I would recommend some personal therapy.

I live alone, I have a bank account and a credit card. Life is great when there's no man around telling me what I can or cannot do.

@MariaLuna thanks! Yes have my own bank account and a lot of freedom right now. It is so interesting hearing different sides, because he would class it as my trying to DICTATE to him what he spends his hard earned money on - while I am not working

OP posts:
MrsMara · 24/10/2023 20:04

well he didn't say those exact words - but he did say why are you trying to get your hands on all my money :/ and that he isnt funding my spending habits

Fgs, don't start another thread around this.

Only a fool would have a child with such a man.

You have been warned. Over and over again.

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 20:07

SuperGreens · 24/10/2023 19:02

By agreeing to this set up you risk or lose your career, your freedom, your choices in life, your financial future, and you also potentially risk your health having a baby.

He risks and loses nothing. In fact he gains a child or children that he will required to contributed nothing towards, and yet still claim all parental rights to. And he also gains an unpaid 24/7 child and house care.

Why would you agree to that?

@SuperGreens he says he risks being divorced and taken for everything having a wife... (and I guess between us paying the credit card every month lol)

OP posts:
YourWinter · 24/10/2023 20:09

Echoing what everyone else said: don’t have a child with this man, whether you’re married or not, and don’t marry this man, whether you have children or not. There is NOTHING in your favour here, and he knows it, however he wants to word it. What a horrid, controlling beast. Run, now, and don’t look back. You WILL bitterly regret it if you don’t get out while you can.

Surreyclaire · 24/10/2023 20:12

Don’t consider it

theprincessthepea · 24/10/2023 20:13

Don’t agree to that. What about your own money?

Sounds like the beginning of financial abuse and control. Especially if you have no insight.

Strange that he is defensive about the marriage when you bring up his finances.

duchiebun · 24/10/2023 20:16

thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home.

why is that lucky?

category12 · 24/10/2023 20:45

but because I work from home I still think the household responsibilities would still fall on me..

So he doesn't do his fair share at home anyway? Why not?

Look, losing your financial independence, your potential long-term earning power, reducing your pension pot and skivvying at home for a man is not a great gift or privilege from him.

Especially when he thinks of what should be the family pot as his money and expects to dictate/judge spending.

You'd be a fool to do it with this man, who is already showing disrespect and poor attitude. At least he's not pretending you'd have an equal relationship with him. Why you're considering it, fuck knows.

billy1966 · 24/10/2023 20:47

Well his mothers situation is exactly how he has been reared.

Are you very young that you are so accepting of his family telling you how to think?

Have you googled what financial abuse looks like?

Because being treated like a child with an allowance and scolded over what you spend sounds like a life of misery.

How ANY woman would marry someone and contemplate giving up all agency in their life, to have a child with a man who is spelling out that exactly how little he thinks of you, and the absolute dogs life with him you are in for, is extraordinary.

You are so lucky that he has spelt it out to you so plainly.

He thinks you are absolutely desperate.

You will be if you are silly enough to remain married to, give up your job, and have a child with this controlled loser.