Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

[amanda2k4]

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

Get an independent solicitor to draw this up for you, preferably one very experienced in family law and divorces so they know how to make it water tight and ensure your financial security. You can add whatever “features” you want to this to make it bespoke for your situation and ensure you get to share in any business success post marriage, but also make him comfortable that he’s not going to be bankrupted if business ends up not being as successful as hoped.

Hopefully they would just see that this is incredibly sensible and normal because it is? If they don’t see that then I wouldn’t be marrying into the family!

you want to blow money you do not have.

Oh OP....he's gonna take that credit card off you.

@Trickedbyadoughnut I wonder if I would have any more benefits marrying under UK law - I still doubt I would be able to bring my child (hypothetical) back to the UK if we lived in the USA even if marrying in the UK - but maybe if the child was born in the UK i would have more chance in the event of a divorce.

Of course he wants you to think your crazy. He wants you to be questioning yourself because he has more control that way. Even aside from the secret money why would you volunteer to be treated unfairly, which he's told you will be the case because life isn't fair?

He's got you exactly where he wants you, confused and unsure which is perfect for him to be able to manipulate you.

Honestly OP, calling you crazy is literally the thing that ALL abusers do.

Aside from the very obvious issues everyone has raised, I would question whether it is a good idea for your family to be reliant on self employment/ a small business with the erratic finances that come with it.

You seem to have a lot of financial commitments and few assets.

Don't have a baby in these circumstances. If it must be with this man then find a new, more flexible job first.

And definitely don't put your expenses on a credit card in your name which you'd be responsible for in a split. I fail to see why even in the (awful) set up he proposes it can't be an account and allowance rather than a card.

If they are decent people then they'd say "so she should. She's your wife". When I met my DH he was setting up a business. Once we knew things were serious he made me a director and spoke about it as being our business. This was even before we were married.

He's showing his true colours. Run for the hills. There are better men out there who won't abuse and gaslight you.

Nationality or place of birth doesn't matter here.

A British child living in the US is a US resident so in the case of divorce, stays in the US unless the other parent gives permission. You are stuck in the US until the child is 18 (assuming that you want to live in the same country as your child) You could go back to the UK and fly to the US to visit your child as you're over 18 so can't be compelled to stay but most would choose to stay in the same country as their child.

So he can inspect your spending but you can’t look at his? Are you going to be billing him monthly for nanny and housekeeping duties? Run for the hills, he isn’t suggesting looking after you he is suggesting controlling your every move

There's no country law that is going to change the fact that this man does not view you as an equal, is not interested in sharing with you and does not care about treating you fairly. Regardless of where you are married or where your child is born, it's not going to change the fact he views you like a teenager, incapable of making their own decisions and managing money. Please please please just get away from him!!

What do your own family think about all this?

I think he really takes it personally that if I question anything I am accusing him of not being able to look after us/future family. He see's it as be disrespecting him and not trusting him. And not appreciating that he is willing to "pay all the bills" He doesn't seem to understand that me just asking questions should not turn into an argument, and get his back up each time. I don't know why he gets so defensive.. someone asked if he is generous usually - I would say yes but he definitely moans/has a dig that he has had to pay for something again - and I can tell almost resents doing it , so it sort of takes away the appreciation. I wonder how the solicitor drawing something up conversation will go with him, but if I just say it is to protect myself I think I need a better reason eg only comes into affect if I having to quit my job because of children.. not just that I am after half the business even if I have a job.

Having read your updates, I can't believe that you are still tying yourself in knots trying to excuse his behaviour.

He is telling you that he will not be transparent about money because he thinks you're a gold digger who is after 50%. Despite what you think, he is saying that you're a gold digger and you are walking yourself into a situation where you are going to have to battle every expense that you put on this credit card and have him judge you for needing new clothes or not going to the cheapest haircut etc when he can spend whatever whenever.

Everybody takes risks getting married but your risk is higher as you are a foreigner and willingly making yourself financially vulnerable. If he's not ready to take a risk then he shouldn't get married. It's possible for him to have a child and pay someone to raise it while he works.

If you go ahead then your relationship will fail because of money. You will resent not being able to spend money on yourself and turn into a shell of your former self and he will resent how much you and his child costs.

I was a SAHM and my h put all of his money in the joint account so I knew exactly what he earned and we could budget things like my haircuts.

His family are bigging him up because they genuinely don't know what he's like or like many abusers can talk a big game but not deliver. Future faking is a popular technique for abusers so much that there's a name for it.

You would be a fool to go ahead and marry /have kids.

@Astonymission found the comment - you asked if he is generous usually - I would say yes but he definitely moans/has a dig that he has had to pay for something again - or huffs and puffs - and I can tell almost resents doing it , so it sort of takes away the appreciation. Then he says I do not appreciate it.. even if I say thanks.

Why do you even want to be with such a horrible man?

He is setting up an arrangement where you agree - you're an adult, right? - to be completely controlled by him.

If that's what you want, no one can talk you out of it. But why do you want it? If you tell us that, it gives us more context. I do realise some people want a partner who literally runs their life for them. but you also want to have a child with this guy.

But you could just end it and I suspect you'd feel like you'd been let out of jail.

You are not unreasonable to ask what paying all the bills looks like but you are unreasonable to hope that someone who lectures you on needs vs wants is going to be a good father. It's a sad day when you can't buy your child something they want rather than need because you chose a crappy father for them.
Open your eyes to the fact that you wouldn't be an equal to him in this relationship. An employee would have more rights and wouldn't have to have sex with him.

I wonder if I would have any more benefits marrying under UK law - I still doubt I would be able to bring my child (hypothetical) back to the UK if we lived in the USA even if marrying in the UK - but maybe if the child was born in the UK i would have more chance in the event of a divorce.

By reading what you've written above it sounds like you're going to go ahead and marry/have this man's child despite what people are saying.

What if things do go wrong it'll be an absolute mess and by having a child with him that alone will tie you to him for the next x amount of years.
If he's as tight with money then you'll either be working you're fingers to the bone to support you and a child or living in poverty with a child....
All done knowingly beforehand.

He see's it as be disrespecting him and not trusting him.

Yet its completely fine for him to disrespect you and not trust you and insist on monitoring your spending

He doesn't see you as an equal. Why stay with someone who sees you as lesser.

Wow. Ive come back to this thread - WTF! i didnt bother to read it past my first comment - car crash! M25 50 car pile up!

OP - please dont marry this man or procreate with him.

Lordy. Its almost unbelievable.

Of course he gets offended. He wants to make it clear you that he's offended by your questioning in the hope that it'll put you off asking more questions. If he had good intentions he would totally understand why you had a few questions and would be more concerned with making you feel secure than making you feel guilty for questioning him. Can you not see how his reactions are all to put you off questioning him?

If he's resenting paying for things at the moment when you currently have your own money can you imagine how he's going to be when he's paying for everything?

Open your eyes for the love of god!

@amanda2k4 you're tying yourself up in knots here thinking about his response, his family, solicitors and pre-nups.

You need to stop, put the actual money situation and think about whether you want to be married and have children with someone with those attitudes.

Do you want to be belittled, controlled and dismissed by someone who clearly thinks they are in charge and better than you.

Shit gets hard when couples have kids so already starting from a position like this isn't going to end well is it.

I don't know you or him but I see nothing but disaster written all over this.

I would get out before you're tied to him.

Aside from all your financial concerns have you had a discussion with your DP regarding what part he'll play in child care, because reading some post on MN that's a whole new set of threads.

you asked if he is generous usually - I would say yes but he definitely moans/has a dig that he has had to pay for something again - or huffs and puffs - and I can tell almost resents doing it , so it sort of takes away the appreciation. Then he says I do not appreciate it.. even if I say thanks.

That is not generosity. The dictionary definition has kindness in it as well as handing over the money. He's making you feel like shit, and that is not kind.

OP, you are with an abusive man, we can all see it. He has abused you for so long you think you are the problem. That is why you are twisting yourself into knots trying to find a solution. There isn't one. Well, not one where you are happy whilst with him.

I think I'm out. OP you too abused to see reality and not quite ready to "see". I really do wish you the best though and hope you manage to break free but right now you are the trussed up fly in the spiders web thinking it's lovely and soft, and nothing bad will happen. Good luck