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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this financial set up leave me vunerable?

217 replies

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 13:02

Similar post to my first - however I want to know your views on this specific set up my husband is proposing to me - we are trying for our first child.

I currently work full time earn a goodish salary just above average
He has his own business - so income is all over the place - but manages to take care of 5k of expenses a month (shop rent, house rent, shop bills, house bills, car on finance for himself)
we want to start a family - this runs the risk of me quitting my job for many reasons that i won't go into - not to say I won't be able to pick it up again but for a year or two I may be without a job due to a move - if his business takes off I wouldn't go back to work and would have another child

Husband is saying that I am being negative by asking him what would happen in a divorce scenario and saying do not marry him if I am thinking like that. however he is saying he will have his own money and control the finances (he is better at controlling the finances) and I will have a credit card that he pays off every month - which he will watch what I spent until I can "prove I can manage money" then he says he will just pay it off. He has said that he will make sure I am able to spent whatever I have left over if I was working eg 700 a month disposable.

Problem is, he is taking a firm stance on him having his own moneys separate and has accused me of "wanting to get my hands on all of his money" he has said there will be 1 joint account for bills, his own account with his money from the business i guess, and i will just have a credit card. I said I want the same benefits as if I was working and he said the benefits are having a paid roof over your head, food paid for, bills paid for and all essentials. Just like my friends set up (he is best friends with her husband)

Does this leave me vulnerable if anything was to happen further down the line? Surely if you are married and divorced I would have half of his "own money" anyway. I just want to protect myself.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 24/10/2023 20:55

I personally wouldn’t give up my job / career for anything. I went back to work after all 3 of my kids and good job as I did split with father of DS. Most men turn awful when you split too and will do anything to avoid paying appropriate maintenance (bar a few decent men), as PP said he owns his own business, not sure about US law but in the U.K. these men aren’t able to be forced to pay much maintenance as they allegedly don’t earn much. The best comeback on this was during covid when they didn’t get much furlough payment as it went on previous years tax paid, haha. Anyway. That’s how I’d protect myself, keep working, he pays his share of maintenance. It’s the only way to protect yourself into your future / pension age, as I wouldn’t rely on no man to ensure I had a good standard of living

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 20:59

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 19:57

@Insommmmnia well he didn't say those exact words - but he did say why are you trying to get your hands on all my money :/ and that he isnt funding my spending habits..

Show quote history

Ummm...he is calling you a gold digger. Why do you think he isn't?

If you are going to ignore the multiple posts saying he is an abusive man and you should leave please please get some therapy to find out why you are hearing him telling you that you are worthless, money grabbing, useless, dumb and only fit for breeding and you say "okay!" What has happened to you that you don't hear his words?

BHRK · 24/10/2023 21:00

Walk away from this, this is financial abuse and you know it

freetheunicorn1 · 24/10/2023 21:04

Yes it leaves you very vulnerable!

minieggsandmaltesers · 24/10/2023 21:05

Run in the other direction.
Or only marry if you absolutely keep your job and he agrees to shared finances.
He sounds ultra controlling and chauvinistic.

fedupwithbeinghot · 24/10/2023 21:07

If you agree to his terrible proposal, you will regret it a million times. He's abusive now and he won't get any better after you are married. Run and never look back

Original poster
amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 21:22

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 20:59

Ummm...he is calling you a gold digger. Why do you think he isn't?

If you are going to ignore the multiple posts saying he is an abusive man and you should leave please please get some therapy to find out why you are hearing him telling you that you are worthless, money grabbing, useless, dumb and only fit for breeding and you say "okay!" What has happened to you that you don't hear his words?

Show quote history

@billy1966 @INeedAnotherName does anyone have any views on his comment that he is also taking a risk by a wife being able to take half if divorce?

OP posts:
Olika · 24/10/2023 21:25

I cannot get over him telling you that he would watch what you spend until you can prove you can manage money. I really don't his attitude.

Rec0veringAcademic · 24/10/2023 21:27

Is this a fucking joke?!! @amanda2k4 get out and build a life for yourself.

hoophoophooray · 24/10/2023 21:32

He'll know how to hide assets so there is no risk of being taken for everything in a divorce. He wants you think there is equal risk. There isn't. Do not do this.

When I was pregnant with my first (unplanned) my then partner said he would give me an allowance while on maternity leave. A resounding fuck that and 16 years later we are married, 3 children and everything just goes in one pot. We pay the bills, save some (actually substantially in my name) and spend the rest.

orangecandles · 24/10/2023 21:34

What's he like as a partner besides the financial side?

WomanHereHear · 24/10/2023 21:42

I’m sorry op, this doesn’t look good. Something bad must’ve happened in your life or you had bad role models for you or bad social conditioning to accept this kind of crap. I was conditioned too but I spent a lot of time on mumsnet and empowered myself and knew I deserved better. Please listen to what people are saying on here.

boomtickhouse · 24/10/2023 21:52

I know I know - but surely this is how things work when there is a SAHM - they do give up work to look after the kids HOWEVER my problem and I think the biggest red flag is the unwillingness to share his money and I am kept at arms length with a credit card that he gets to analyse every month. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me, but the insecure side of me is listening to his family thinking I am lucky to be able to give at work to stay home

No that's not how things work for SAHMs in a balanced relationship. In a balanced healthy relationship the SAHM has:

Her own bank account and money to spend on her own whims without husband input - a similar disposable income to what the husband is left with.

A joint account for family & children expenses.

Full access to and understanding of family finances.

Full knowledge of the husbands income and input into how it is spent / saved / invested etc.

Savings in her own name.

Monthly payments into her private pension.

None of this is what you are posting about. He wants you to sacrifice your long term financial security to have his babies and be under his control. That's not ok.

Sorchamarie · 24/10/2023 21:55

Sorry OP, but the man you're describing is fucking awful, no matter what good points he might have, and you'd be taking an absolutely massive (and very very foolish) gamble with your life staying and having children with him. Best of luck.

Astonymission · 24/10/2023 22:00

amanda2k4 · 24/10/2023 21:22

@billy1966 @INeedAnotherName does anyone have any views on his comment that he is also taking a risk by a wife being able to take half if divorce?

Show quote history

Men like that lessen the “risk” by making it difficult to divorce, first by getting in the women’s head and gaslighting her so she thinks she’s “lucky” and that she needs him etc and secondly by financial abuse which makes it difficult for her to build up her own savings to leave him if she needs to.
Also they know most women with young kids don’t willingly sign up to be single parents and many will often put up with a lot in an effort to keep the family together.

Your partner seems to be employing these tactics already or planning to, so I bets he’s counting on you not divorcing him.

boomtickhouse · 24/10/2023 22:00

@billy1966 @INeedAnotherName does anyone have any views on his comment that he is also taking a risk by a wife being able to take half if divorce?

His risk is NO WHERE NEAR the risk that you are taking.

Yes he risks sharing family assets when you divorce. He risks having to house and financially support his children (!)

You risk living in poverty and under his control for your life when you're together. And then when you split you risk being left with NOTHING. His business will hide his assets. You risk being left penniless with no caterer prospects or pension. You risk wasting your valuable career-building years being his domestics slave.

EVEN IF by some miracle you did manage to get half his assets in a split, he will still out earn you by keeping all the career building years to himself. You'll be looking to get back into a lower paid role, probably with battered self esteem and a couple of kids to work around as he's "too busy" to do any midweek parenting.

Astonymission · 24/10/2023 22:02

@boomtickhouse is spot on. Exactly this.

The risk is far greater to you OP and he knows this.

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 22:08

does anyone have any views on his comment that he is also taking a risk by a wife being able to take half if divorce?
What risk? Self employed men usually get out of paying support, and generally hide assets/savings behind a smokescreen of company not personal assets. He's already started. Half of nothing is nothing.

He risks nothing. You risk everything. Seek therapy.

NoSquirrels · 24/10/2023 22:36

does anyone have any views on his comment that he is also taking a risk by a wife being able to take half if divorce?

No worries - say to him,

‘Listen, you’d be taking a massive risk by marrying me and risking 50% in a divorce, I get that. So how about we stay unmarried, I keep my career and just take maternity leave. When I’m on maternity leave looking after our DC, you’ll pay 100% of the household bills, to recognise my contribution in childbearing and childcare. I’ll keep my maternity pay salary in my account. When I go back to work, we’ll pay childcare and all costs 50-50, but we’ll be responsible 50-50 for sick days and split household and domestic chores 50-50 too.’

You’d still be fucking mad to take this deal, in my opinion, because he’d shaft you one way or the other anyway. He sounds like a controlling arsehole. But it doesn’t matter because if you propose this to him, he’ll run a mile from the idea that he’s 50% responsible for everything a child needs, emotionally, physically, financially. He’ll feed you some bullshit about kids needing their mums, best for the whole family etc etc

Go on. Test him… see what he says…

iamenough2023 · 24/10/2023 22:48

OP, my advice is this, take a moment and answer as honestly as possible one single question, how does all this make you feel? Clearly something about this whole situation is making you feel very uncomfortable. This is your instincts kicking in. If your instincts are telling you something is wrong...IT IS. Perhaps another women would not mind being in this situation, but clearly you ARE. In fact, you are not in it yet and it already feels wrong, imagine actually being in it. Take care OP and I hope you make the right decision.

blueshoes · 24/10/2023 22:58

Perhaps another women would not mind being in this situation,

@iamenough2023 you might want to read the thread.

Not a single poster on this thread does not mind this situation. Quite the opposite (understatement of the year). It is only the OP that is still ruminating despite threads and threads of posters saying 'run', 'you'd be a fool'.

iamenough2023 · 24/10/2023 23:06

@blueshoes I did read the thread, but it is possible that OP knows someone who is in similar situation and appears to be ok with it. Who knows. I pointed out to her that she is not ok with it clearly, and that is most important.

blueshoes · 24/10/2023 23:20

iamenough2023 · 24/10/2023 23:06

@blueshoes I did read the thread, but it is possible that OP knows someone who is in similar situation and appears to be ok with it. Who knows. I pointed out to her that she is not ok with it clearly, and that is most important.

OP is not ok with it but wants to talk about it endlessly over more than one thread despite the overwhelming majority on all threads telling her exactly the same thing. Not sure she has the best judgment tbh nor understand what she hopes to achieve by starting all these threads.

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 23:27

iamenough2023 · 24/10/2023 23:06

@blueshoes I did read the thread, but it is possible that OP knows someone who is in similar situation and appears to be ok with it. Who knows. I pointed out to her that she is not ok with it clearly, and that is most important.

She does know somebody in the same position who was okay with it at first. His mother, who is no longer okay with it and actively fighting her ex, his father. She can witness it in closeup.

Ironically enough, his mum had the same set up - they are now divorced and she is fighting to get her hands on his pension because she doesn't have one and is working full time as an air hostess at 60.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/10/2023 23:32

Listen to your gut
It's positive he has shown his true colours now, rather than when he has you pregnant and "trapped".. under his control
He's treating you like a child, not a partner