DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

[Cupofnothing]

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

You need to claw this back, or you will lose her to him.
You apologise and say that it was a shock but that, in time, you’d like to meet him.

You message your daughter and apologise profusely.... you tell her you were completely out of order and are ashamed of yourself this morning... you ask her to give you a call when she has time.
Moving forward you listen to her, ask her is she will be home for dinner, what she fancies for tea etc.... normal, mundane.
Let things settle down.. do not criticise... next week invite them both for dinner.. make an effort... be normal...
You need to give her space and time.
You need to let him be normal.
You need to let her see you, as parents, have lots in common with him... life experience, (old) music, knowledge, joint history(?)..
This can go two ways... it will be a serious relationship and they will live happily ever after.. or she will grow out of him/the novelty will wear off..
Either way, you have to stand back, but be present if you know what I mean.. stay friends with her, she will come back to you.
We cant control them as grown ups and she is testing her wings.
Be patient and just love her.

I honestly don't think there is anything you can do once your child is legally an adult. You have to be there for her and try and have enough trust between you to be able to discuss this. Maybe try and get to meet him and see what you think of him. Try and get an opportunity to rationally tell her your concerns. Both my girls are in 'relationships' with much older people. One of the relationships is toxic on both sides but she won't let go of it. Fortunately he is in another country so limited opportunity to see each other and just really hoping she meets someone else soon. The other is also online and they have never met and she is not yet 18( which is why they have not met) but she is happy to wait until 18 and also well aware that in real life, face to face, she may not like him so much. I think at present it is just someone for her to talk to. Both daughters are neuro divergent too.
We are talking similar age gaps.
I know there is nothing I can do other than voice my concerns at every opportunity. I am toying with idea of inviting the boyfriends to stay so we can really suss them out though.

I was in a very similar situation but I was the daughter. My mu lost her shit and eventually threw me out I moved in with him and we were together 9 years. He was abusive but I didn't think I could go home because my mum had said from the start it was wrong and wouldn't work so I took the physical and mental violence for pretty much the full 9 years. I didn't want to go back home with my tail between my legs to be told I told you so. Eventually after I had my daughter with him I got up the courage to leave and literally ran with what I could carry.
I did go home and my mum helped me massively but I've never told her the full extent of what happened to me.

Apologise and make sure she knows you are always there. Support her otherwise she will go to him.

Thank you all. I'll send her a message and I am genuinely sorry for losing my shit. It's just so hard

Agree with previous posters.
on the up side - statistically relationships you are in at 18 are more likely to end than continue forever!
but you have to keep lines of communication open and be there for her then hopefully she will open up to you if she is not happy x
also agree kill him with kindness don’t make it an exciting secret thing they’re doing.

on the up side - statistically relationships you are in at 18 are more likely to end than continue forever!

On the other hand, my SIL is 50 and still happily married to the man she met at 18. He is 20 years older too.

The age gap is one thing, but I'm feeling disturbed because they knew each other before she turned 18 and I am probably overthinking. I've messaged her. Of course I don't want to lose her, and I want to protect her at all cost. It's just not what I had expected. He's her first boyfriend.
Anyway, I know I can't stop her but I'll try to be happy for her.

I fully understand how you feel. A nearly 38 year old man getting involved with an 18 year old, let alone when this relationship probably existed before her turning 18, is not good news. As @troppibambini6 above said you and you r husband should be very careful and think stratigecally. Vent your anger to your hubby and him to you but in front of her be supportive. Explain to her that such an age difference is too big for a relationship to work but you support every step of her life if she wants to be with him.
MAKE SURE you speak to her about contraception and take her to a gynecologist to ensure she gets help on this matter. When a man chooses to have a relationship with a child - bcs that’s what she still is despite legally considered an adult - chances are he wants to manipulate and abuse her. There is a chance he might attempt to impregrnate her.
Then make sure that both you and your husband meet him. And keep an eye on the relationship. Chances are that after sometime it will all fade away and she will fall in love with a handsome young man her age. But do stay close to her. Don’t push her away no matter how livid you may be.

I fully understand how you feel. A nearly 38 year old man getting involved with an 18 year old, let alone when this relationship probably existed before her turning 18, is not good news. As @troppibambini6 above said you and you r husband should be very careful and think stratigecally. Vent your anger to your hubby and him to you but in front of her be supportive. Explain to her that such an age difference is too big for a relationship to work but you support every step of her life if she wants to be with him.
MAKE SURE you speak to her about contraception and take her to a gynecologist to ensure she gets help on this matter. When a man chooses to have a relationship with a child - bcs that’s what she still is despite legally considered an adult - chances are he wants to manipulate and abuse her. There is a chance he might attempt to impregrnate her.
Then make sure that both you and your husband meet him. And keep an eye on the relationship. Chances are that after sometime it will all fade away and she will fall in love with a handsome young man her age. But do stay close to her. Don’t push her away no matter how livid you may be.

God I’d be absolutely appalled too. As you say, the context of him knowing her longer is such a pertinent detail and I’d be questioning the timeline myself. No decent nearly-40 year old man would or should be chasing after a teenager less than half his age. You’ve had very good advice on here, to apologise and draw her back in is the best move you can make. Keep her close and hope to god that this fizzles out asap.. chances are that it will happen sooner rather than later given she’s only 18 and has a lot of changing and maturing to do.

Agree that he is too old for her .Sadly at 18 there is nothing legally you can do.Being cross will just drive her away.Agree with PP that just remaining calm,agreeing to meet with him and so on.You dont want to lose her . Asking how you could miss any signs is negative really .She is a young woman ,and wants to live her own life .It is a worry obviously .

It's absolutely grim and whilst I understand the advice to apologise etc, frankly I'd be amazed if she expected any other kind of reaction! Not sure how you're meant to look this guy in the eye. Hopefully she will be able to understand your worries and you can have a sensible and supportive conversation without downplaying your very understandable concerns.

Agree it’s strategic because she is over 18.

As others have said keep your anger to yourself.

Also remember that sunlight is the best disinfectant. Bring this relationship out into the open for others to judge:

The hobby - was he her coach or in a position of authority. Ensure the club / organisation know subtly.

Her friends - make sure she keeps up her social life and encourage her to include him in her friends activities - soon she will realise how odd it is.

Also don’t let him isolate her from her family and friends by stealth.

Ask her if she has been introduced to his family and friends and include him in yours.

Shine a light on it without your judgement.

Whats his Relationship history? Married / children etc?

She was groomed at the hobby - know that - but how you get her back is a different approach.

There is something seriously WRONG with a man who does this. He can't relate to women his own age. He is lacking somewhere mentally.
I would hate this.
But wouldn't want to lose my daughter, so I'd be normal with her but wouldn't be welcoming him with open arms.

She was groomed at the hobby - know that - but how you get her back is a different approach.

I agree with this. It's a really difficult situation. I remember telling my very religious mum that I was having an affair with a married man. It was very difficult for me to be honest with her but I'll never forget how she did not get angry or overreact and I'm still grateful nearly 30 years on. I can't even remember her saying she was disappointed. I think she just thanked me for telling her. Later she met him and was nice to him. It didn't last with him - but my relationship with my mum is great.

God it makes me sick thinking of grown arse men with teens who were girls not long ago. Sick fucks. You poor thing!

It's obviously wrong and I would equally be shocked and worried. But you won't help her by showing your anger and I think it's important to tread carefully. The worst thing that can happen is she ends up isolated from her family and friends. She needs to know you are there no matter what.

A 38yr old man dating an 18yr old he's known since her mid teens is absolutely disgusting. Ending up happily ever after with this creep of a man is not a good outcome. And it can go more ways than they live happily ever after or she gets bored of him. It's not a relationship I would want a daughter of mine in.

Her friends may well be great allies (to you) in this. Most will surely be wondering and if they are good friends actually saying 'What the fuck is wrong with her?!' And him. Most 18 year olds will not be thinking this is a good idea.

I’d be appalled too. All you can do is be there for her, don’t push her away, and don’t trust him as far as you can throw him.

When I was 17 I dated a 31 year old, so not as big an age gap but significant. To be fair to him I was at an over 21 venue so he had no reason to believe I was younger, he must've still known I was a decade at least younger than him and he found out on our first date after that night that I was 17.
I thought it was fine then. I look back now and see it wasn't, he was dating a teenage girl because he would not have have lasted five minutes with an adult woman, he was emotionally very needy, wanted lots of reassurance, which had a controlling impact because I would modify myself, my plans etc so he didn't get upset, he was never aggressive but it was definitely manipulative, back then I thought he was brooding and deep. He was actually just a twat. Luckily it didn't last more than about 6 months, I got sick of him and wanted to live my life. I was and am very extroverted and confident and already had a place at uni, I do wonder how that would've panned out if I'd been less secure in myself.
My dad didn't know his age they never met, my mum did, she just told me I could talk to her any time and at one point said to me don't shrink yourself to please him, if he's not ok with all of you, he's not right for you. He would rather stay in, I like to go out, he'd make little 'jokes' about where did I find my energy to go out with friends AGAIN etc.
I completely get why you'd be furious especially given the grooming aspect, but you need to keep her onside and communication open.

@UndercoverCop has nailed it. At 18, your daughter doesn’t know what she doesn’t know and will probably be feeling very worldly and mature dating a much older man.

We all know that there are no good reasons for a 38 yo to date an 18 yo - or at least, no reasons that are good for her. This is about his selfishness, immaturity and emotional inadequacy.

But as everyone has said, the most important thing right now is to be supportive and nurture your relationship with your daughter so she never feels she has to choose between you and him.

@Oakbeam to counter that my friend is in her early 60s, met a man when she was 19 and he was 34. She now sees her relationship for what it was, an experienced man who couldn't hold his own with a woman his own age and preyed on a young and very naive woman. Yes they are still married, they are completely miserable and have been for about 10 years. She has a neice who is 19 and she looks at her and says she would be horrified if a man in his 30s tried to date her. She wonders why no one tried to talk to her, her parents, her brothers, her friends. She really was a little mouse back then.

There is a big online push (I don't want to put his name as it sends up some kind of bat signal, but Andrew and his surname is a gallery) for older men to date women specifically 19 or 20 year olds because you can "train them" there are lots of these podcast men with a mircophone all saying the same thing. They are trying to normalise it and it isn't normal.

OP I would just explain your concerns over the age gap and where she is and where he is in life. Is she 18 and working or 18 and at sixth form?

It’s an understandable reaction - especially now when we are so conscious of abusive relationships, and rightly so. As PP points out, some men are just predators.

However, this might not be the case with your daughter. So apologise, tell her you love her, explain your concerns and acknowledge her set up might be perfectly healthy. Suggest you meet him - which is the best way to be sure.

If he is an arsehole, then while you don’t have to say you like him, you can stay neutral enough to keep her in sight. You can also express measured critical thoughts, but give the bloke a chance first.

For balance, I have had a few age gap relationships (in two I was the younger). The first one and the biggest gap was when I was 20 and he was 41. It was not serious and lasted a year or so, he was a nice, slightly damaged, free spirit of a man, who drifted about a bit. He genuinely liked women, had a lot female friends and relationships, I was the only one so much younger at that point, and then were a few older. Anyway we had a nice fun year and parted friends. We stayed in touch for a good while. He did me a lot of good in my angsty youth.

I will be speaking with her later when she comes home. I am feeling upset, sometimes angry, then I think it will be fine and that I am just overreacting. I am probably biased because to me she is still a child, even though she isn't. I think it's the shock because I really had not expected this. She only turned 18 two months ago, and she is shy and introverted. Yes, of course I feel like she was/ is being taken advantage of, but I will firmly keep those thoughts to myself because I want to keep her close.
Just to clarify he was not her coach, but there is a shared hobby and they are in the same club. Thank you all, it's a great relief to just write things down.