DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

[Cupofnothing]

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

He was/is in a position of responsibility with children - hiding in plain sight - coaching the boys as a distraction but which also gave him indirect access for him to groom young girls.

He’s absolutely a predator.

But you know that and you still have to play a strategic game here.

All adults working with children know that they have to keep hard personal boundaries.

This would be clear on any training in the club - as much to protect themselves from unclear situations.

This might take on a life of its own if the other young people know, mention it to their parents, the club get to know and investigate.

They aren't on the same team, but they are in the same club.
Anyway, she is an adult and I can't get involved so I'll try to be as supportive and welcoming as possible. It will be harder for DH but he agrees that it's the only thing we can do.

If I had a daughter that age enrolled I’d want to know so I could have a talk with her.

Does he have children??
They are at such different stages in life...
I think the best thing you can do is make her realise how much her life would change, and how much she would lose out on, if she was to get pregnant at such a young age.
If he is a bastard he will try to trap her. They often follow a pattern.

No children (as far as I know). She is already on the pill but good point to reiterate the importance of staying independent.
I've invited him around so let's see how this will go

Not read the whole thread but my thoughts on this as someone who has often (and currently) been involved with older men:

Firstly, let her make her own decisions and her own mistakes. Unless you are given reason to believe this man is dangerous, then allow her the space to live her life how she chooses.

I was with a man 14 years older than me from being age 19, he wasn’t dangerous, but he did mess me about to no end. My mum wasn’t over keen on the situation but never stopped me from doing what I wanted/needed to do to, and it would make made life very difficult and uncomfortable if she had. The last thing we need is arguments with parents.

Chances are it will fizzle out, either now or in a couple of years. But who knows, maybe it will be forever?! She just needs to be happy.

I had a relationship for 11 years with a guy a year younger than me. That has now ended and I’m back with someone 15 years older. Maybe that’s just what is right for me?

The point about whether they met or started a relationship before she was 18 is moot. As long as she was over 16 then there’s still nothing you could do, still perfectly legal and her choice. But either way, you can’t possibly know if that even happened. No point thinking about it.

Thanks. I'm "OK" now and I can see that I very much overreacted when I first heard about it. It doesn't mean that I like it but if she's happy then I'll be happy for her. I'll give him a chance.

Glad the thread has helped you to feel a bit better :)

“The point about whether they met or started a relationship before she was 18 is moot. As long as she was over 16 then there’s still nothing you could do, still perfectly legal and her choice. But either way, you can’t possibly know if that even happened. No point thinking about it.”

@Dontstoptherain this is wrong. With child sexual abuse this covers children up to the age of 18 to assess grooming / abuse of power etc.

Yes, and it doesn't sit well with me. But I don't know if this is what happened and I risk losing her if I flag it and it blows up.
I'll give the old man an extra comfortable chair when he comes over in case his knees give him trouble. It will be hard to bite my tongue but I can do it.

I think you're handling this very well.
Have you ever met him and is there a firm plan for him to come to your house.

Love the comfy armchair !

The age gap aside, as it wouldn't matter if it was 20 years or 5 years. He new her as a child (yes as he is an adult that is under 18), he was in a position of power and responsibility. I would think he made your DD wait until she was 18 before telling you.

The head coach needs to know what has happened. They will most likely need to investigate/report to who they do. As this is predatory behaviour (just as if it was a teacher, even if they where not a student in there class). I known in teaching if they even though there had been any inappropriate behaviour they would most likely be struck off. He shouldn't be in a position where he access to young girls if this is going to be his behaviour.

Note things like this may have been brushed under the carpet in the past. But we know better now and as you can see from the stories on here she has most likely been grumed.

I totally respect that you are walking a tightrope here @Cupofnothing - your relationship with your DD comes 1st for her benefit and yours.

I wouldn’t ask in too many fishing questions as he will be on to you - people like him are well practiced at being devious and duplicitous - don’t want to scare the horses - but he will trip up and it might be that the net closes in around him from other directions - the club, other parents, LADO, maybe a teacher from your DD school gets wind of it etc .... do you know what his job is and if he is in a position of trust there? Or if he has any other hobbies / interests / church groups etc that put him in contact with young people.

As I said earlier sunlight is the best disinfectant - keep it all in the open - might be that someone else raises an eyebrow or investigation - doesn’t have to come from you.

Best of luck to you - hope you can hold it together and all get through this.

How was he in a position of power and responsibility to her?

I think people really dont understand the limitations of a situation like this. The girl herself has not made any allegations, there is nothing to 'report' or investigate.

Again people are mentioning LADO without a clear understanding of their remit.

OP would be better focusing their attention on engaging with him through gritted teeth, killing the relationship by going overboard with being positive and making sure daughter is absolutely open and able to come to mum because when it all goes wrong she can reach out to mum because she trusts her.

Don't be happy for her, it's absolutely grim. I agree with other posters that you need to be canny in how you play this, so you don't push her closer to him, but you're right to be horrified.

I'd want to string the revolting bloke up by his balls, personally.

I think I have made it quite clear that I am not happy about the situation, but I will be "happy" for her and supportive.
I've casually asked her if he wants to come over on sunday but I am not sure if this will happen yet as they might have plans at the weekend already. I actually really, really want to meet him now.

I won't be reporting anything for now, but I might well mention it to 1 or 2 other moms in dd's hobby circle. After all it's supposedly not a secrets and she's told friends, so I don't see how I'd breach any trust here.

What a difficult situation.

My take is slightly different in that he would have had an authority relationship over her. All the coaches would have authority over any of the children in the club, by virtue of their position as coaches, regardless of whether he taught her directly. For example, if a coach is absent, another coach might take that team and children would surely be expected to respect their authority. In an emergency, any of the coaches would be expected to direct or assist any of the children.

I suggest that you speak confidentially to the professional body as a starting point.

"I think people really dont understand the limitations of a situation like this. The girl herself has not made any allegations, there is nothing to 'report' or investigate."

Do you really think that if young person has been groomed that they would be in a position to realise what has happen?

As many have already said on here they realise latter on what had happened but not when they where in the relationship.

Op it's going to be very difficult to support her and good luck, hopefully long term she realise that this relationship is not good.

He’s not a coach though?

"He’s not a coach though?"

If he's not a coach then what sort of role does he have in the club?

Op confirmed in a later post that he was a swimming coach, just not of the female teams.

I had a similar situation when I was that age. First boyfriend 10 years older. My dad freaked. I was quiet. Probably flattered. The more my dad voiced his opinion the more I dug my heels in. I came to my own conclusion after about 6 weeks and ended it. I look back and cringe. Just voice your concern calmly and quietly I probably wouldn’t be to friendly with him at first. As you don’t want to encourage. But don’t want to push her away. I hope she realises soon.

@Gloriously only IF there’s abuse/grooming etc. which I already covered when I’d said if there’s a reason to believe he’s dangerous etc. if she happily entered a relationship with him at age 16, there’s nothing legally wrong with that and no one can act upon it in any way whatsoever. Which is what I was referring to, as the comment in the thread was simply OP deciding them meeting prior to 18 was an issue. In and of itself it isn’t. If he’s dangerous then it’s STILL an issue even if she’s over 18, just would need to be dealt with differently.

Often, even if a relationship between a 16-17 year old and an adult is legal, if the adult is a member of a professional body (like teachers are) or part of an organization (like scout leaders or sports’ coaches) then the professional body or organization can enforce stricter boundaries and behavioural standards than the law can. So a teacher could be struck off for a relationship with a minor, even if it was legal, and a sports’ coach could be sacked and/or blacklisted.