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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

219 replies

Cupofnothing · 21/10/2023 10:26

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 22/10/2023 19:36

Ewwwwww 😬

saythatagaintome · 22/10/2023 19:41

I’d point blank ask the pervert what the $@?* he was thinking.

Zebedee999 · 22/10/2023 19:42

All you can do is support her. But frankly I am livid that a 38 year old thinks this is ok. It's not.
I have seen such a relationship myself and it has lasted 20+ years but throughout the man has been very immature and I think when she was 18 the man appealed to her as he acted like a 18 year old too... now that he is nearly 60 he still acts like an 18 year old.
A properly mature 38 year old man would not be having a relationship with an 18 year old girl as she would be too immature for him.
A further relationship with such an age gap I knew of the man was only in it for the bragging rights.
In both cases the men were grossly immature.
Support your daughter and good luck.

bellac11 · 22/10/2023 19:42

All2Well · 22/10/2023 19:31

@bellac11 I've been DSL in various schools, colleges, unis etc for 20 years and have previously worked in POVA for my LA. There are concerns he may have groomed her since childhood, we've received and dealt with concerns like this many times over the years.

A few years is what 3 years at least? So she was 15 when they met and OP thinks he may be acting as a swimming coach. Our attitude has always been that we would rather receive a concern, investigate and it turn out to be nothing than never be alerted to potentially dangerous behaviour and a child or vulnerable adult be subjected to abuse.

"The Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) is the person who should be notified when it has been alleged that a professional or volunteer who works with children has: behaved in a way that has harmed a child, or may have harmed a child. possibly committed a criminal offence against or related to a child"

OP doesnt say he is a coach and currently there is no allegation or evidence they were in a 'relationship' prior to her being 16. By all means OP can phone LADO for confirmation but unless he is working with children and there is active evidence that he was inappropriate with her prior to her being 16, there is nothing to report.

Miyagi99 · 22/10/2023 19:58

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 19:01

So she was an adult

Not the same

Show quote history

Same as as OP’s daughter though.

ittakes2 · 22/10/2023 20:12

As difficult as it must be your best strategy will be to accept it. Apologise to your daughter and explain to her you trust her and will accept this man.
I say this because if you don't she will be pushed towards him. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer - the odds are the relationship will cool but if you push her towards him she might feel she can't come back to you if she doesn't feel comfortable discussing her feelings with you.
Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!

Panaa · 22/10/2023 21:01

saythatagaintome · 22/10/2023 19:41

I’d point blank ask the pervert what the $@?* he was thinking.

Same!

My teenagers think age gap relationships are completely inappropriate anyway and they know I agree so there would be no point in me pretending to be ok with it and supportive.

I'd want the scumbag away from my daughter.

A lot of people suggest and go with the 'act supportive so you don't push her closer to him approach' but I personally couldn't and would have to go the other way.

It's a risk, but it's a risk the other way too. So we can only do what we think is best and hope it works out.

Flipflopflopflip · 22/10/2023 21:12

As a mother to a daughter I can understand how you feel. I think I'd feel the same
But, I met my now husband when I was 18 nearly 19. He is 15 years older than me. We have now been married nearly 10 years and have a child, house etc. I suppose what I'm saying is that you just don't know how this will go. It might be her happy ever after, or might just fizzle out. Just try to talk to her and make friends again and go from there.

pumpykins · 22/10/2023 21:31

I think you need to keep her close. Him
Too

We know why he's with her. Probably because she's easy to manipulate and control

Monitor her, make sure she doesn't lose her sparkle! If she does, gently mention that

Make sure she's confident enough to be able to walk away from him when doubt starts to take hold

You can subtly sew a seed of doubt in her mind here and there.

saythatagaintome · 22/10/2023 23:21

Panaa · 22/10/2023 21:01

Same!

My teenagers think age gap relationships are completely inappropriate anyway and they know I agree so there would be no point in me pretending to be ok with it and supportive.

I'd want the scumbag away from my daughter.

A lot of people suggest and go with the 'act supportive so you don't push her closer to him approach' but I personally couldn't and would have to go the other way.

It's a risk, but it's a risk the other way too. So we can only do what we think is best and hope it works out.

Show quote history

If parents have a good relationship with their child, I highly doubt that child will “run off” with some bf.

I’m with you. No way I’d be having him around my home faking support. Like waaaaht? Get t f out my house!

god I hope my daughter has sense and doesn’t test me like this! 😂😭👀

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2023 01:15

Miyagi99 · 22/10/2023 19:58

Same as as OP’s daughter though.

Show quote history

She's an adult now. Suspicions is it started earlier

RantyAnty · 23/10/2023 02:18

He's a predator and a creep.

What does he father think about it?

coxesorangepippin · 23/10/2023 02:35

If he's not a coach then what the fuck is he??

Some 35 year old bloke in a swim team for teenagers???

🤔🤔 🧐

xxxx12345 · 23/10/2023 02:45

And there are people out there who will make a face at women's only swimming sessions 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's simply sensible for these things. We can never tell when and who will turn up.

True these kinds of people don't always turn up but when they do... totally not worth.

cupofdecaf · 23/10/2023 11:45

I dated a much older man when I was late teens. I was infatuated.
My parents weren't keen looking back but I didn't realise that at the time, but they didn't encourage it.
What they did do was treat him like a boyfriend my age though. Sort of worked because it showed how different we were due to age.
Looking back a few things he did would be considered abusive. It certainly wasn't healthy.
He dumped me very harshly and I think he'd meet someone else from what I saw on Facebook.
I was 18/19 and he was a secondary school teacher (I never went to his school we met on my gap year). Makes me cringe so much looking back.

Bookworm20 · 23/10/2023 12:59

Well if she has ever mentioned or had thoughts of travelling, now might be the perfect time to encourage and pay for her to do that. Fancy a year backpacking in australia dd? we came into some money and can pay for your flights.

God, what a horrible situation. I also dated someone 20 years older when I was 18, also shy and introvert and stupidly naive. Looking back it was so so wrong, but I thought I was in love.

Only other advise is just be there for her. Don't say anything about it won't last, its wrong. I almost left mine once after moving in with him, packed my car, got almost home and then just remembered all the things my parents had said about it not lasting, me being stupid and 2 minutes before my house I turned around and went back to him, because I didn't want to prove them right. Stupid I know. So make sure she knows you'll always have her back, no questions asked and no judgement.

And I agree, treat him like he is her age. As hard as it will be to stomach being in his company, try and include him as much as you can. Keep your enemies close as they say. Don't give him a reason to start isolating her from you.

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 23/10/2023 13:05

You need to stop her seeing this man

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 13:11

Some v wise words here from people who have been through this.

It’s v sad to see how young girls can be so easily groomed by these wolves in sheep’s clothing that they believe (maybe they are at the time) they are deeply in love.

Also a timely reminder from PP that any negative words from parents will still be ringing in their ears and they don’t want to be proved wrong.

V hard for you @Cupofnothing .... no idea how long you will have to play along with this one.

Maybe if you do some anonymous digging you might find something out that could finish it sooner rather than later - but it seems that it requires a very delicate approach either way.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 23/10/2023 17:38

I'm really, really sad to see how many posters experienced something similar in their youths, and I appreciate the helpful advice how not to act now to remain approachable.

I spoke to her last night, and it clarified some things, but I also think that I didn't get the full truth. I'll accept it and will just hope that she will tell me when the time is right. Dh is very upset and angry, but he is not angry at her.
I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop her from seeing him because she is in madly in love and she won't want to hear this right now. It's depressing really to see her happy and to feel nothing but worry and anger. She showed me some pictures of the two of them together and she looks tiny next to him, which made me realise even more how incredibly unbalanced this whole relationship is. I don't trust him one bit, and I'm thinking about who to talk to potentially.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/10/2023 17:50

She's 18, there's nothing you can really do about it or anyone you can call in.

It's her first boyfriend, it's unlikely it will last, she will hopefully see the light of her own accord.

I went out with a man in his 40s when I was that age 😣

Just be neutral and don't let her get isolated. Encourage her to keep seeing friends and maintain her other interests.

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 17:59

You are doing your best. I wonder if talking to any of the other Mums you knew at the swimming club in confidence might throw some light - there may have been rumours about him being inappropriate in the past?

It's difficult though because these types spend lots of effort being ‘charming’ as they are grooming the parents and other adults at the same time.

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 18:00

And be very proud and satisfied that she has told you - many wouldn’t - means she trusts and values you more than you realise.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2023 18:09

Sadly there is nothing you do but glad you and dd are talking

Can you invite him over to meet him in person

Don't push her away into his arms

If he has any ounce of respect for you and dd he will come and meet you properly for a meal

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 23/10/2023 18:31

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 17:59

You are doing your best. I wonder if talking to any of the other Mums you knew at the swimming club in confidence might throw some light - there may have been rumours about him being inappropriate in the past?

It's difficult though because these types spend lots of effort being ‘charming’ as they are grooming the parents and other adults at the same time.

Yes, that was my idea. As I said I can't (and don't want to do anything to drive a wedge) but DD said that some of her friends knew about them so they might have mentioned something.
And he did coach in the past, just not any of the female teams. As I said I don't trust him one bit and this is not sitting well with me.

OP posts:
Pezdeoro41 · 23/10/2023 19:11

coxesorangepippin · 23/10/2023 02:35

If he's not a coach then what the fuck is he??

Some 35 year old bloke in a swim team for teenagers???

🤔🤔 🧐

Yes I am wondering this? It’s been a few years since I was in a swimming club but isn’t it usually divided by age?

Is she going to uni OP? That might help her get some perspective on this. I had a 27 year old boyfriend when I was 16/17, my parents hated it but didn’t tell me at the time. It was only when I was at uni and it occurred to me how weird I’d find it if one of male friends there (younger than my then ex!) was dating a schoolgirl and things started to become clearer.