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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

219 replies

Cupofnothing · 21/10/2023 10:26

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

OP posts:
Dontstoptherain · 28/10/2023 12:16

@MigGirl can you honestly and genuinely not understand that we’re talking about two different things? Really?

BadSkiingMum · 28/10/2023 16:03

OP, hope you’re feeling ok about things and there have been no adverse developments.

I notice that you mention that some of the other girls had liked him. Is he a handsome guy who might be a likely object of unreciprocated teenage crushes, or could this also point to a wider pattern of him engaging in grooming-type behaviour, attracting the attention of teenage girls and it just happened that your DD was the one who got lured in? Was it on club premises or during activities that a friendship emerged?

A lot of questions occur to me, but I think setting some wheels turning by talking to other swimming mums might be a really good idea. They will talk to their children and a clearer picture might emerge.

If you don’t want to go the official route yet then nothing will pour colder water on this budding romance than your DD getting the impression that he had been sniffing around her teammates.

Gloriously · 28/10/2023 18:55

“Was it on club premises or during activities that a friendship emerged?”

It doesn’t matter where the grooming began - it could have been by text or online for it to fall into the clear OOO behaviour of an adult in a position of trust with a child / young adult up to the age of 18. And he will already know this and so will the club.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 28/10/2023 21:44

The official version (which I am obviously taking with a pinch of salt but accepting) is that they met in summer at a non club relevent event, when they happened to be in the same place. We had been on holiday when DD turned 18 so she celebrated with her friends when they were all back. I remember the gig and it was 2.5 weeks after her birthday, so it's all very convenient. But I have no evidence that they engaged prior apart from the odd hello.
I have spoken to one of the other moms, and she hadn't known either.

Lookswise. I'd say he is handsome but in an adult way and not someone I'd have fancied at DD's age. I'm dreading tomorrow but I'm also looking forward to it, if this makes sense.

DH is not happy but seems better and gave her a big hug earlier today. He isn't angry with her but I think he is feeling protective. He's a great father but sometimes he needs a bit longer to come to terms with events.

OP posts:
Gloriously · 28/10/2023 22:08

That’s suspiciously all very neat and tidy.

Although pre 18 contact doesn’t have to have been connected to club events / activities / premises or even in person.

Is he coming to your home tomorrow?

I would be interested in his relationship history - listen out for that.

Good luck and I hope you both can remain composed and get through it all.

Keep it all out in the open - keep talking to the other parents and her friends then hopefully someone at the club will hear and take an interest.

Greenyinabottle · 28/10/2023 22:19

…

junebirthdaygirl · 28/10/2023 23:08

I think it's good you went mad as she will remember that. Otherwise when she comes to her senses she will think why did mum not care l was in an unsuitable relationship. It shows your heart for her.
At 18 l was in an unsuitable relationship with an older guy...not that old but l had a crush on him for a while as he was very attractive and cool so l was thrilled when he asked me out...this was in the 80s!"My dps were upset and furious in turn. But in my stubbornness and infatuation l ignored them. Eventually l realised l wanted college..at a distant place..to travel etc and it wasn't going to fit in with this guy so l split with him. But as l matured l got a great sense of security and love from the fact my parents were prepared to fight for me and saw it as nothing only complete care.
As you are doing they endeavoured to give me freedom once they got over the initial shock but their first reaction stayed with me for a good reason.
Finally don't panic as hopefully she will come around.

ClareBlue · 29/10/2023 00:42

I've read the whole thread and have daughters and think OP is doing the best in a really bad situation. The big fear we would all have in this situation is pushing her away and her ending in an abusive relationship isolated from any family or friends and not feeling she could come back to her family. It seems the OP is well aware of this and trying to put her feelings about predatory men like this to one side to keep her relationship with her daughter. That's obviously what as parents we should do, but I, for one, wouldn't underestimate how hard this is for both the parents to do in practice.
Good Luck, OP

KissyMissy · 29/10/2023 02:49

Hopefully it will fizzle out op Flowers

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/10/2023 09:00

2.5w after her 18th seems very convienant and at somewhere nothing to do with swimming

Maybe he has told her to say this and said if under 18 I could get into trouble etx

Maybe it was innocent but unlikely

But going forward I get why you don't want to push dd away

If she had mentioned to her friends you can openly mention it to some of the mums at swimming if it's not a secret

Hopefully he will come over today and you can meet him in person

LlynTegid · 29/10/2023 09:04

I agree with the suggestion about trying to find out about his relationship history.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 29/10/2023 10:44

Thanks all, hopefully I’ll know more later

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 29/10/2023 11:32

Gloriously · 28/10/2023 18:55

“Was it on club premises or during activities that a friendship emerged?”

It doesn’t matter where the grooming began - it could have been by text or online for it to fall into the clear OOO behaviour of an adult in a position of trust with a child / young adult up to the age of 18. And he will already know this and so will the club.

I am aware that it doesn’t matter from a safeguarding point of view but was just asking a starter question to help the OP unpick this situation.

BadSkiingMum · 29/10/2023 11:38

@Cupofnothing
All the best for later.

I hope that meeting you and your DH makes him wake up to what he is doing.

Gloriously · 29/10/2023 12:11

He will be continue to be devious, manipulative and duplicitous - that’s who he is and how he has achieved what he has to date to be a predator in plain sight.

He will likely try to charm and groom the parents and at the same time be desperately scanning for perceived slights that he will twist and then save to build a case against the parents to slowly drive a wedge and isolate the DD - he will always then be victim and others the villains as he builds the dramatic and romantic narrative of “us against the world”.

We all know their predictable MO - but they are also volatile, manipulative and deceptive and the OP needs to be careful not to trigger this in him whilst her DD is in his web.

I wonder if he will even turn up or cut the visit short etc.

Stressedmum12345 · 30/10/2023 02:10

I can maybe help you see this from the point of view of a person who is in a large age gap relationship (and marriage as of this year), bigger than the gap between your DD and her partner.
My parents knew about my boyfriend, thought I’d dumped him as they didn’t approve because of the big age gap, then one day I just packed a bag and bit the billet and moved in with him. I’m ashamed of how cowardly I was in how I did this, and my parents didn’t speak to me for the better half of a year. My dad came round to how I was choosing to live my life before my mom did.

By cutting me off and only sending a terse text once a week or so with photos of any post that had arrived (opened without permission) my parents ended up really isolating me. DH and I were just learning to live together during the lockdowns and there were times I needed help or advice or to have a breather as things were hard financially, but because my mom refused to speak to me I was all alone. It took a long time to learn to trust her again, and I think that you should try to be as supportive as you can (I understand you may be wincing the whole time at first but you may end up liking him).

Eventually my mom reached out and we met up, they met DH properly and saw he made me really happy. My mom apologised a few years after for how she reacted, the best thing you can do for your DD is support her and be there for if it doesn’t work out.

i imagine big age gap relationships scarcely have a healthy dynamic, I am very lucky that DH and I have the utmost respect for each other in every way and our relationship is healthy. My mom thought I’d grow out of it but I am now married and have a baby with my other half, and things worked out for us.

Just wanted to come in with my experiences as my mom didn’t handle the whole thing well, but may help you see from your daughters point of view x

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 12:59

How are you, your DH and DD doing this week at @Cupofnothing?

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 31/10/2023 20:52

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 12:59

How are you, your DH and DD doing this week at @Cupofnothing?

I’m not sure really but it’s difficult to explain. There is definitely tension between DD and DH who are both being stubborn. I’m just exhausted to be honest.
I hope you are doing well yourself, and thank you so much for asking.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 31/10/2023 22:36

Did he come round Sunday @Cupofnothing or do you have a date penned in to meet him

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/10/2023 22:36

@Stressedmum12345 how old were you and man when you met /moved in 2020

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 08:01

I can imagine you are exhausted you must feel turned inside out over the past week.

I hope that your DH can ‘fake it to make it’ with your DD - as although he must be understandably gutted and angry (as you were/are) he needs to be able to put those feels aside because any anger at your DD is misplaced and will ultimately inadvertently play into the goals of the creep who deserves it.....by alienating and pushing her away where she brings her hurts to him and he isolates her.

Maybe he needs time to come around (not to the relationship but to the approach in that this specific and sensitive situation) and maybe as PP has said maybe both your initial (temporary) shock, anger etc is not a bad thing for your DD to have experienced.

I expect she notices that she gets ‘surprised’ and maybe ‘disapproving’ initial reactions from her friends when she tells them.

It's important that your DH gets on board sooner rather than later though.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 01/11/2023 08:30

Yes he did come over and he is quite charming to be fair, although I had expected this. DH wasn’t great and didn’t engage much apart from showing interest in his motorbike so at least that was something. As mentioned before he is usually a great dad but he is extremely uncomfortable about the situation and I think that’s why he doesn’t know how to treat DD at the moment.

I explained to her that dads are often like this when their daughters have their fist boyfriend, and I certainly remember my own father not being thrilled back then. I think it helped a bit and she understood. DH will need to get his act together though, and I’m not letting him off that easily because I am feeling like I am the one who is trying to manage this mess right now because he has distanced himself.

I didn’t question DD’s bf much because I didn’t want to make things awkward and look like an interrogation. As I said he is is quite charming and I can see why she likes him. He definitely glossed over a few things that he didn’t want to discuss but I didn’t push it because I don’t want to give them a reason to see me as hostile.

I’m still going over the conversations in my head though there is little I can do. I did not like the glossing over/ subtle changes of topic because they were smooth and I didn’t always notice at first, which means that DD is probably even less likely to notice. I still don’t buy their story so I suspect the odd lie on the way, but since I don’t have proof I’ll just play along for now. Hopefully he slips up, or else he was just anxious about meeting us and giving the wrong answers.

OP posts:
Pezdeoro41 · 01/11/2023 09:18

Sounds like you managed things really well OP. What sort of things was he trying to gloss over - was this about how things had developed?

Well done for keeping your cool - it must have been very difficult!

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 10:52

Well done @Cupofnothing you have the measure of him - of course he is ‘charming’ and evasive because he is a predator - he is trying to groom you both but as you say you need to be one step ahead of his games and play along with it. Give him enough rope. Keep listening, watching and waiting.

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 10:55

As mentioned before he is usually a great dad but he is extremely uncomfortable with the situation

As mentioned before he is usually a great dad and he is extremely uncomfortable with the situation.

As he should be.