DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

[Cupofnothing]

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

I’m sorry but this is wrong on so many different levels. How long have they known each other? If this guy has access to girls and young women and “befriends” then then this is a serious concern

at one point said to me don't shrink yourself to please him, if he's not ok with all of you, he's not right for you

@UndercoverCop 👌🏻I will remember this. Wish someone had said it to me

I wish I'd known enough to say this to my DD when she was being coercively controlled by someone a few years older than her when she was a teen. It's excellently well put.

A 38yr old man dating an 18yr old he's known as a child is definitely a predator. There's no decent well rounded man in his 30s who would consider that

Options really are he's a 38yr old man with all the experience and maturity that brings. Or he's managed to somehow avoid the maturity that comes with adulthood for 20yrs. Either way it's not good

Ultimately though it's a difficult situation. Op can't lock her daughter away and stop it, but will need to keep her daughter close and the relationship open to protect her

Big hugs, makes me feel a bit sick. Very very wrong. I agree you need to be strategic and support her and make sure she knows you’re her safe space.

@Cupofnothing you said that your DH has shut down emotionally with this news - this is as bad a reaction as being angry (although both are totally normal and understandable neither approaches will get her through this and out the other side) - you need to show him this thread and he needs to come through his emotional collapse and engage proactively in the process - as the male figure in her life he needs to step up strategically with you shoulder to shoulder on a coherent calm sustainable plan of openness ‘acceptance’ and support. Frame it in your heads that you are supporting her even though this is a very difficult situation to tolerate.

I would read up on grooming, coercive control and seek advice from various charities about how to engage with someone in such a situation as normal rules do not apply and inadvertently exacerbate the issue.

Understandable reactions

it’s that she is 18 and he is 38. It’s the fact she is still a teenager which suits uneasy. Is she a streetwise 18 yo or naive (like we all were once)? Not that it matters but is she looking at the relationship realistically? He won’t be able to do things her friends Bfs are interested in. or they’ll have different life experiences and perspectives.

between myself and partner there is 24 years. I’m not a teenager though and I think that makes a huge difference. Keep her close but also be wary but open to him. He could be a lovely man or a git.

OP, what a difficult situation. She is only just an adult and so very emotionally immature. I wouldn't give too much negativity as it’s likely she’ll push back to “prove people wrong”. It’s a possibility that he’ll be in her ear saying how people can’t be happy for them, don’t they see how in love they are etc etc and you proving him right, as it were, will just push them closer together.
I would actually just apologise, say you were shocked mainly because you weren’t aware anything was going on and then keep them both close. Illicit relationships are much more exciting- if it’s seen as “boring” and “normal”* then it is more likely to run its course. It also means you can keep a closer eye as it’s out in the open, and gently step in when needs be.

*I don’t think this is normal by the way, but was lacking a better phrase.

Was he a leader/teacher in the hobby?

Is it one with a governing body?

It's grim...I know a man who does this routinely...very charming and manipulative, now in his 70s, got a DBS as long as his arm and is a registered sex offender. Targets 16-21 year olds now because his preference of 13-15 year olds kept landing him in prison. Nothing anyone can do about it as his "girlfriends" are past the age of consent and he's "entitled to a life". He started doing all of this in his late 30s early 40s.

Look into Clare's Law just in case, especially as he's known her since she was still legally a child. Encourage her to do the Freedom Programme.

Other than that there is literally nothing you can do sadly. The more you criticise him, the more you'll push her towards him.

@Disturbia81 I have reported your post for personal attack.

@Cupofnothing I am glad sharing here has helped you, and I hope some of the great advice makes communicating with your daughter easier. If she knows you love her and you will support her she is far more likely to come to you with any issues or be honest and have that self-worth to walk away should the relationship be bad...which in all likelihood it will turn out to be. Meantime just keep things normal, same messages re plans or meals etc so she knows there isn't a big argument or confrontation waiting for her on her return.

The best and only thing you can do is to be supportive and there for your daughter.
I absolutely don’t approve of this age gap but if you make it too obvious you could lose her.
Support the relationship, get to know him but make sure you’re having general conversations about boundaries and healthy relationships etc around her. It’s all you can do and hope it fizzles out.

They might be technically/ legally adults but I would say in reality they are on their way to being adults - not there till mid 20s. Cynically I would say this hopefully won't last but protect your relationship with her through gritted teeth hoping it ends . It's too big an age gap and he met her when she was a child - it would give me the shivers

She won't be able to see that she's been groomed by a predator. Hang on in there, and hope she sees the light sooner rather than later.

What an awful position to be in OP.

When I read your message the first thing that came to mind was predator. I wonder if he has been grooming her at the hobby group over the years? Do you know anyone at this group you could have a discreet word with?

Find out as much as you can about him and definitely invite him over or out for dinner via your daughter. Be as welcoming and accepting as you can be whilst gritting your teeth.

Not my dd but her best mate. Just 18. Bf is 42... Drops her off and picks her up from wherever she is going with mates. Has a tracker on her phone so he knows where she is - for safety reasons.. Hard not to give her a shake.. Dd thinks he is weird. Not sure if she has told her mate that...

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend

This was written a while ago now, and is aimed at slightly younger girls than your daughter, but I still think you’ll find it interesting. It’s the opinions of a sex education advisor on age gap relationships and teens.

I think you should invite him to dinner. He’ll probably look far less cool next to you and her dad, especially if he’s closer in age to you than her. If he refuses you can say to her, that’s a shame, remember we’ll always be here anytime you want to visit or stay, on your own or with a partner.

I’d be disgusted with him too, and assume your daughter had been groomed. But in an effort to protect DD I would summon up acting skills worthy of an Oscar and have him round for dinner and be as welcoming as I could. If he is as predatory as he sounds he will be rubbing his hands together at the thought of driving a wedge between you and DD.

If you can keep them both on side you have more chance of knowing what is going on in her life and be able to question things delicately without it seeming like you are attacking him or their relationship.

I also agree with Claire’s law

Does the hobby she does have a governing body, are there other young girls he may have access to?

I have seen this happen with teachers and sixth form students, lucky both instances they where sacked then struck of the teaching register. This is really not OK 😕, and although I agree with others that you should keep the peace with your DD. This man has behaved in a predatory way towards a young girl especially if he has known her for some time.

I'd invite him to dinner asap aswell. Ask him about him himself. He will say he was born in this year, left school at this age. Has he been married before? He will show himself up. Ask him about the hobby and when he first became friends with dd.

Wanker.

I did a similar thing when I was 19. I went out with a 36 year old. I'd fancied him for a couple of years, I knew he'd fancied me since I was 17. He had a girlfriend for the first 6 weeks, was a complete womaniser but I knew all that and I saw it as a short term thing - he was really handsome. My mum hated that we went out and hated him, but she never said anything. We lasted 6 months, once the novelty wore off. It really was just about sex. I don't regret it, I had a great time. I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's unlikely to go the distance. I think the more you protest, the more you will drive her away. Let them get on with it.

Keeps things as civil as you can you need to keep her sweet so you can keep close eye on this

Apologise. Invite him over for dinner. Brush up on 1990s kids tv and pop culture and try and spend the evening reminiscing. He may look a bit less attractive when he sounds like part of her parents generation.

Thank you all. She hasn't been back yet but is due any time now, so I'll try to speak to her this evening after dinner.
He has never coached her, but I can't be sure that he has ever been in a coaching role before. There is a governing body (swimming), but I'd rather talk to her first. At the moment I don't want to kick start something that might cause her to withdraw from us. I think Clare's Law would likewise mean that she would be contacted regarding information, not me?
We used to be super vigilant when she was younger, but we eased off as she got older to give her more freedom, as she has always been responsible and mature, but looking back this was probably a big mistake our end. I'm surely taking a different approach with DD2 now. I know a few moms as she had friends who have been in the same sport group for years, but over the last few years we have had less contact than when the children were younger.