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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

219 replies

Cupofnothing · 21/10/2023 10:26

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

OP posts:
Gloriously · 01/11/2023 10:56

And you handled it perfectly with your DD around explaining your DH discomfort.

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 11:00

Has your DD been introduced to his parents and friends? Or are plans in place for this?

Are they ‘out’ now as a couple with the swim club members, coaches, officials?

Ask these Qs in time....

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/11/2023 12:50

Yes he will gloss over stuff

Glad you met him

Invite him again

Ans yes have dd friends met him

What do they do at weekends ?

Duckingella · 01/11/2023 12:57

I'm sorry you and DH are in this position;my own DD is 18 and I'm 39 so I'd be horrified if my DD was dating a 38 year old.

My concern would be that's he's manipulative and persuasive hence your DD dating him;is he going to be wanting his 18 year old girlfriend doing stuff girls her age do like getting dressed you and going out clubbing etc?;i'd be weary of him isolating her from friends.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/11/2023 13:10

Make sure she is on the pill /coil etx

Last thing we want is a baby and tied to him forever

BadSkiingMum · 01/11/2023 15:55

@Cupofnothing
Glad it went as well as possible. Interesting that you can already see gaps/elisions in his account of things. But clever you to allow those to be skated over in order to keep things on an even keel…that is crucial.
Bring him into the fold as much as possible but you can be doing things in the background which might cast sunlight on the whole affair. Any luck with bumping into other swimming mums?

Fingers crossed that this is short-lived.

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 15:59

Keep a detailed record and a close eye on those areas he has glossed over and come back to them in another way another time.

That’s where his deviancy lies.

Honeychickpea · 01/11/2023 17:53

Gloriously · 01/11/2023 08:01

I can imagine you are exhausted you must feel turned inside out over the past week.

I hope that your DH can ‘fake it to make it’ with your DD - as although he must be understandably gutted and angry (as you were/are) he needs to be able to put those feels aside because any anger at your DD is misplaced and will ultimately inadvertently play into the goals of the creep who deserves it.....by alienating and pushing her away where she brings her hurts to him and he isolates her.

Maybe he needs time to come around (not to the relationship but to the approach in that this specific and sensitive situation) and maybe as PP has said maybe both your initial (temporary) shock, anger etc is not a bad thing for your DD to have experienced.

I expect she notices that she gets ‘surprised’ and maybe ‘disapproving’ initial reactions from her friends when she tells them.

It's important that your DH gets on board sooner rather than later though.

Since the daughter's friends fancy this man as well, I doubt she will be getting surprised or disapproving reactions from her friends.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 01/11/2023 19:39

I did ask DD about one topic (his family) that he had very obviously glossed over, it hasn’t even been subtle. I asked her if I had said something wrong and she gave me some context. He is nc with both parents so I am half expecting him to scan for things in our family.

DD has met his brother and partner, and he has met some of her friends but I don’t think he generally joins them for activities when she is meeting her friends as they are a group of girls. She stays with him at the weekends now and sometimes during the week.

I will keep asking about her friends and activities to see if she might reduce contact with them. Thank you for this very good point.

She did mention a few grim things which she clearly doesn’t see or recognise as such, so it’s hard to keep comments to myself then.

I only spoke to one of the moms from the club and she was definitely not impressed. I’ll mention it to others when I see them next but I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal even though it is for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupofnothing · 01/11/2023 19:42

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/11/2023 13:10

Make sure she is on the pill /coil etx

Last thing we want is a baby and tied to him forever

She is on the pill, she sorted it herself prior to telling us about this. I don’t have an issue with it because she is an adult and I am proud that she had the foresight to do this. This had been my first fear when I heard about this

OP posts:
Gloriously · 01/11/2023 22:54

Seems like you have acquired a lot of info.

However, I would personally be concerned that she is currently spending far too much time with him - weekends and during the week at her age in such early days of a relationship? IMHO this isn’t appropriate to immerse yourself so deeply and that quickly into any relationship at any age. It’s a known red flag of abusers to accelerate a relationship.

This could well be the start of him isolating and controlling her. I would try to involve her in weekend family stuff and friends etc.

What were the grim things she mentioned?
And have you any idea of his relationship history?

I only spoke to one of the moms from the club and she was definitely not impressed. I’ll mention it to others when I see them next but I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal even though it is for me.

Why don’t you want to make it sound like it’s a big deal? Because it absolutely is. They might think you were negligent not to be very concerned. I don’t think it would get back to your DD especially if you explained how you were trying to manage it. Their eyes and ears will be invaluable to you to understand if there was anything dodgy going on or if he has a reputation as well as those mothers encouraging their own daughters to proactively keep connected and involved with your DD.

KOKO.

Panaa · 02/11/2023 01:44

I explained to her that dads are often like this when their daughters have their fist boyfriend, and I certainly remember my own father not being thrilled back then. I think it helped a bit and she understood. DH will need to get his act together though, and I’m not letting him off that easily because I am feeling like I am the one who is trying to manage this mess right now because he has distanced himself.

I personally wouldn't be ignoring the elephant in the room and making out like it was just because he was the first boyfriend. I know you're going with the approach people say is recommended but it's just plain odd to act like it's all cool and dad is just like this because it's the first boyfriend.

Your husband is also a parent and adult and allowed to have his own approach. The way you're trying to manage the mess isn't necessarily the right one.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/11/2023 06:35

Glad she had the good sense to go on the pill

Nc with his parents hmmmmm

Def say to swimming mums you aren happy but she's 18 ....

Who is her best friend can you confide in her mum if you know her

Does dd have a job or what is her plan for the future

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 02/11/2023 08:00

Panaa · 02/11/2023 01:44

I explained to her that dads are often like this when their daughters have their fist boyfriend, and I certainly remember my own father not being thrilled back then. I think it helped a bit and she understood. DH will need to get his act together though, and I’m not letting him off that easily because I am feeling like I am the one who is trying to manage this mess right now because he has distanced himself.

I personally wouldn't be ignoring the elephant in the room and making out like it was just because he was the first boyfriend. I know you're going with the approach people say is recommended but it's just plain odd to act like it's all cool and dad is just like this because it's the first boyfriend.

Your husband is also a parent and adult and allowed to have his own approach. The way you're trying to manage the mess isn't necessarily the right one.

Edited

Yes you are right, but I think he needs to tell her this himself as I can’t be the messenger trying to smooth things over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupofnothing · 02/11/2023 08:45

Ok I’ll have to think about the other moms. I don’t want this to look like I’m sabotaging.
She is always included in activities we plan as a family but I can’t force her to join us now that they are officially an item. I’ll keep an eye on her also doing things with friends but for now she is.

DD mentioned that her bf’s brother made a stupid joke and asked her if she was old enough to drink yet, which annoyed her. To me this is grim because it made me wonder if there was a reason for him to ask that but I’m probably just being paranoid. It’s probably exactly the type of reaction that might eventually make her reflect. Eventually

OP posts:
CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 02/11/2023 09:13

That’s interesting from the BFs brother. It depends a bit on the tone of it, but one interpretation is that he was actually genuinely checking she was at least an adult legally. Better to be asking her (even if she took it as a bad joke) rather than asking his brother (and potentially being lied to) and have it turn out later she was only 16 and he served her alcohol, or worse, 15 and his brother was making him aware of a relationship that’s completely illegal.
It does suggest he might have form for choosing young girlfriends.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 09:30

Keep on inviting and including the BF in your family weekend stuff. Keep your enemies close as they say and also this is realistically probably the only way you can maximise connection with your DD.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/11/2023 12:26

Cupofnothing · 02/11/2023 08:45

Ok I’ll have to think about the other moms. I don’t want this to look like I’m sabotaging.
She is always included in activities we plan as a family but I can’t force her to join us now that they are officially an item. I’ll keep an eye on her also doing things with friends but for now she is.

DD mentioned that her bf’s brother made a stupid joke and asked her if she was old enough to drink yet, which annoyed her. To me this is grim because it made me wonder if there was a reason for him to ask that but I’m probably just being paranoid. It’s probably exactly the type of reaction that might eventually make her reflect. Eventually

Well tbh it's a valid point and dd is - only just though

Hopefully his brother wil make a few remakes and she gets dumped

Or

She relieses that he's an old fart

Stressedmum12345 · 02/11/2023 14:01

@Blondeshavemorefun in my twenties.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/11/2023 14:15

Stressedmum12345 · 02/11/2023 14:01

@Blondeshavemorefun in my twenties.

Diff from 18 then

Messup · 02/11/2023 16:26

Sounds like the brother has more cop on than your daughter's bf. Hopefully others comment too so she realises that this is not normal

Stressedmum12345 · 04/11/2023 17:08

@Blondeshavemorefun we knew each other from when I was 18, met through work. So not really all that different though we weren’t together when I was 18.

Gloriously · 05/11/2023 19:23

How are you all doing a week in @Cupofnothing ?

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 06/11/2023 17:36

@Gloriously

I think we are ok, thank you for asking. Dd and Dh are good again. She is more open with me which is a great relief. Obviously spending a lot of time with him, particularly at the weekends but I suppose that was to be expected. We invited him along to a “boring” evening out next weekend when we will go going to a firework display, so tying to keep him included. We’ll both keep a close eye on DD2 though.
He is taking Dd on a city break to Paris and she is delighted by this stereotypical move 🙄

It looks like there is something happening at the club though as Dd was asked the relationship, so he will undoubtedly be spoken to too. Obviously this needs to be happen but it makes me wonder if we’ll see a different side when he is under pressure. But that’s his own problem to sort out.

OP posts:
All2Well · 06/11/2023 17:42

Ugh, Paris. Such a creep, makes me want to vomit. You're doing so well @Cupofnothing , thanks for updating us. Glad there's been a bit of a stir at the swimming club, I sincerely hope he gets his comeuppance.