DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

[Cupofnothing]

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

@CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals he’s not a teacher and OP doesn’t think he’s a coach either from what I read. I’m talking normal, everyday two people deciding to be in a consensual relationship, as I’ve highlighted twice. Three times now.

He is a coach. He wasn’t her coach. But he is a coach in the swimming club she was part as a minor. Apparently he coached the boys teams. So they met at the swim club somehow where she was a coach and she was a minor swimmer. They may well sack him when it gets found out.

@Dontstoptherain - you are wrong.

For adults in a position of trust, the rules are different. They are breaking the law if they have sex with one of their students, even if the student is over the legal age of consent in the UK (16) but under 18. This includes sexting and grooming.

In any organised setting with children under 18, volunteer or paid coaches / helpers / teachers etc are informed of the boundaries this is especially prominent in a sport like swimming.

Just because he was coaching another class within the club doesn’t lift his responsibility or make it legal.

“only IF there’s abuse/grooming etc. which I already covered when I’d said if there’s a reason to believe he’s dangerous etc. if she happily entered a relationship with him at age 16, there’s nothing legally wrong with that and no one can act upon it in any way whatsoever. Which is what I was referring to, as the comment in the thread was simply OP deciding them meeting prior to 18 was an issue. In and of itself it isn’t.”

@Dontstoptherain

You are 100% wrong. This is 100% misinformation.

You don’t know the law. You have got this wrong.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/#:~:text=Grooming%20is%20when%20someone%20builds,manipulate%2C%20exploit%20and%20abuse%20them.

@Cupofnothing here is some info on what grooming looks like and the impact on the young person as by its insidious nature it’s hard to detect.

Hello

I'm a welfare officer for my child's swimming club.

There are really clear, accessible safeguarding guidelines put in place by Swim England. You can have a chat with your welfare officer or go directly to the safeguarding officers at your region. They can help. It's all on the home page of the SE website.

@Gloriously its not illegal to have a sexual relationship with a 16+ year old. That’s not incorrect no matter how many times you profess otherwise. Under 16 is illegal, under 13 is statutory rape.

Whether other elements come into play such as teachers etc is entirely separate as a matter and was not what my comment was about. Highlighted now for the fourth time.

Why are you doubling down when you are wrong @Dontstoptherain - this isn’t an age of consent discussion - it’s 100% a discussion around the context of a child up to the age of 18 being sexually involved with an adult in a position of trust and authority. Why are you obfuscating?

Sounds like grooming to me, but you may have to pull back to avoid pushing her closer to this perv

@Dontstoptherain - you are wrong yet again - the OP posted that this 38 year old man was a swimming coach (for boys) at her child’s club at 18:31 on 23.10.23

You did not post before this - so you had this information when you went on to comment.

Your repeated mis-informed declarations around this specific legal context is derailing, unhelpful and potentially dangerous.

@Dontstoptherain

I stated clearly in every single post I made that if the guy is presumed dangerous, or there’s anything other than a consensual relationship between two people (i.e not someone taking advantage/grooming) then that’s different.

You seem to be of the opinion that there is nothing to suggest he might be dangerous though 🤔

You said Unless you are given reason to believe this man is dangerous...

He's late 30s in a relationship with an 18 year old and he coaches at her same hobby. Plenty of reason there alone to think he's dangerous.

@Dontstoptherain but the law does say.

'It is a criminal offence for anyone in a position of trust in relation to anyone under the age of 18 to have any sexual contact with them."

That's a direct quote from the sexual offences act.

This man even if she wasn't her direct coach, is in a coach in the club this would be classes as a position of trust.

This man is on very doggy ground any teacher in a school would be struck off for this (even if they didn't actually teach the young person directly) and I'd be surprised if Swim England wouldn't take a similar view.

Please. No need to fight. Yes he is a coach, but my problem is that DD tells me that they connected over the summer, so close to her birthday. I did not ask for the exact date because she'd know what I was after. Right now I just want to keep this calm and not cause a stir because I'd say they'd blame us and we might lose her.
Yes, I am uneasy about this, but I'd rather not be the person to rock this boat right now.

It is a fairly glaring red flag that he very probably IS dangerous though. Maybe not physically but there's a high chance he would be dangerous psychologically or sexually.

He's clearly a bloody oddball, he knows what all the parents of teens will be thinking of him now and how uncomfortable the parents of teen girls will be.

@Panaa my replies are very clear. Both possibilities are covered. I haven’t said he is or isn’t a pervert.

@MigGirl at no point have I said it’s ok for him to be a coach and have sex with a student. Nowhere. Please read what I actually wrote.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/briefings/preventing-abuse-positions-of-trust

@Cupofnothing this link will give you some excellent insight into how and why this 38 year old man falls within child sexual abuse ‘positions of trust’ legislation.

It also indicates what the grooming behaviour looks like (doesn’t have to be sexual in nature) and what the safeguarding obligations of any organisation (voluntary or not) are towards preventing, observing and investigating potential grooming and SA of the children in their remit.

Have a read and then listen carefully to your DD over the coming days and weeks to see if a picture builds. Advice by the NSPCC is for the parent not to address the suspected adult directly and to understand that the young person may not recognise what has happened to them as inappropriate or abuse.

You can call the NSPCC for some clarification, support and direction on how best to work through this sensitively with your DD.

Just a little message of support @Cupofnothing

Thank you @Gloriously, I had a browse but need to check the sources in more detail.
If I find out anything that confirms our suspicions I will of course action it. Right now I just feel like it would be the safest way to lose her because it would of course look like we instigated it, so I am probably taking a bit of a cowardly approach here. I am quite certain that this will not go unnoticed if it's out in the open now though.

It's sad because she seems so happy but for the wrong reasons, and it made me realise how much we must have missed. Dd said that she had liked him for a while, and so had some of the other girls, but that it had always been a crush like situation and no more. And that she couldn't believe it when she found out that he liked her. I get it, but I never realised how fragile her self esteem must have been and maybe still is. That's the part that I really want to protect and grow.

Most teenagers have self esteem issues and are impressionable that’s a very normal part of emotional development and that’s exactly why the law is there until they are 18 to protect their vulnerability from predatory adults in positions of trust from grooming them.

You also said that your DD was shy and introverted and these children are the classic targets of predators.

The most important thing is to continue maintain an open loving connection with your DD throughout and to understand that he will likely have groomed her to make her feel wonderful and special (love bombing) so she can’t see it. I think ensuring she keeps up her friendships and usual life routines is critical so that he doesn’t isolate her from them and also that he doesn’t engineer a row with you both so that she flounces into his arms.

Just continue to get clued up on all the issues - grooming, coercive control, CSA etc the impact on her and how to manage it sensitively. Sunshine is the best disinfectant and hopefully as it’s out in the open others will raise eyebrows and an investigation.

Are they both still members of the swim club?

How is your DH coping? I think any detached from her due to his shock is not a good thing and could be counterproductive as even without words she would sense his disapproval which she could take personally and anything negative will draw her further to him.

*detachment

and take it easy and pace yourself - this may take many months to ‘fizzle out’

@Dontstoptherain No but you keep saying it isn't illegal for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a child who's 16-17. When clearly it is sex offence under the law when they are in a position of trust. He is in a position of trust and I'm not convinced he doesn't know exactly what he's doing as has waited until she is 18. It may not now be illegal but from my school training and scouts this wouldn't be accepted by the governing bodies. He's in a very gray area and the club could sack him for it. If he's actually paid any attention to his safeguarding training then he's aware of that.

I've known teachers struck of for similar reasons, regardless of weather the relationship continued or not.

Exactly @MigGirl - there is no way he is in that club coaching children without safeguarding training.

Seems that he may have used the time before her 18th birthday to groom her - as I said before this doesn’t have to be sexual in nature - and from the NSPCC link about could look like this:

Examples of situations that may cause concern include a member of staff or volunteer:

• giving a child or young person extra special attention or preferential treatment, or acting as their confidante
• frequently spending time on their own with a child or young person, particularly if this is in private or isolated areas
• spending time outside their working or volunteering hours alone with a child or young person
• transporting a child or young person to or from meetings or activities on their own
• making friends with a child or young person's parents or carers and/or visiting them at home
• giving gifts, money, toys, cards or letters to a child or young person
• using texts, telephone calls, emails or social networking sites to communicate with a child or young person
• being overly affectionate with a child or young person
• flirting with or making suggestive remarks or sexual comments around a child or young person.

These are the things would be investigated by the club.