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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

219 replies

Cupofnothing · 21/10/2023 10:26

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupofnothing · 06/11/2023 17:48

All2Well · 06/11/2023 17:42

Ugh, Paris. Such a creep, makes me want to vomit. You're doing so well @Cupofnothing , thanks for updating us. Glad there's been a bit of a stir at the swimming club, I sincerely hope he gets his comeuppance.

I know, it made me throw up too. But maybe it’s good if he’s so predictable

OP posts:
Gloriously · 06/11/2023 21:32

FFS Paris - what a controlling love bomb move. I expect he is paying for everything so she feels obligated to him? He holds all the power. Sounds like he is rushing this relationship.

Make sure she knows that she can say No if she is uncomfortable with anything at any point and can come to you if she is ‘confused’ or ‘unsettled’ about anything - she is very young and naive in her first romantic relationship and he is in reality a coercive manipulative creep.

Really glad the club are asking questions. He may well have form. Keep on keeping it high profile with the other Mums.....it won’t come back to you now.

I would be fishing for a bit of info on his relationship history - at 38 he must have had some long term relationships / lived together / married or children even? Or has he had a series of very young girlfriends.

Well done for continuing to keep them included in everything even if it feels a bore to you. That’s the best way you can keep observing and listening in. Keep her close, trusting you and open to you.

Gloriously · 06/11/2023 21:34

Are his parents and brother local to your area? If so I would be ‘innocently’ asking around to see who you have in common. Something will no doubt come up.

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 07/11/2023 11:07

Gloriously · 06/11/2023 21:32

FFS Paris - what a controlling love bomb move. I expect he is paying for everything so she feels obligated to him? He holds all the power. Sounds like he is rushing this relationship.

Make sure she knows that she can say No if she is uncomfortable with anything at any point and can come to you if she is ‘confused’ or ‘unsettled’ about anything - she is very young and naive in her first romantic relationship and he is in reality a coercive manipulative creep.

Really glad the club are asking questions. He may well have form. Keep on keeping it high profile with the other Mums.....it won’t come back to you now.

I would be fishing for a bit of info on his relationship history - at 38 he must have had some long term relationships / lived together / married or children even? Or has he had a series of very young girlfriends.

Well done for continuing to keep them included in everything even if it feels a bore to you. That’s the best way you can keep observing and listening in. Keep her close, trusting you and open to you.

Of course he is paying. I know exactly what he’s doing but Dd doesn’t (yet), but she is happy and talking more. She hasn’t disclosed anything specific but made a comment that makes me think there is something that will eventually become an issue. I hope that she will tell either me or a friend if that’s the case but right now she seems happy and on cloud 9.
Oh I will absolutely keep it a topic with other moms. I’d be surprised if this is the first time he’s crossed a line.

I don’t know much about his relationship history, and I don’t even know if this is true. The cynic in me thinks I should take everything with a large pinch of salt but that’s just me now.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 07/11/2023 20:53

DD mentioned that her bf’s brother made a stupid joke and asked her if she was old enough to drink yet, which annoyed her. To me this is grim because it made me wonder if there was a reason for him to ask that but I’m probably just being paranoid
yes that is exactly the comment ive heard people (when i was much, much younger) make when someone has a habit of dating underage girls.

H112 · 08/11/2023 01:32

He has groomed her. This happened to my sister when she was 19, he was 36. My parents forced her not to see him. You should do the same.

Honeychickpea · 08/11/2023 01:36

H112 · 08/11/2023 01:32

He has groomed her. This happened to my sister when she was 19, he was 36. My parents forced her not to see him. You should do the same.

How do you force another adult not to see someone?

MigGirl · 08/11/2023 08:25

He has most definitely groomed her, this rings all the safeguarding bells. In fact I was talking to DD about it last night (she's 16) and even she went NO that's not right. She has done safeguarding traning with scouts as is a young leader and just done it for work to, as will be working with young children.

He absolutely knows this isn't right and I'll be very surprised if the club don't sack him for it.

Gloriously · 08/11/2023 08:31

He absolutely knows this isn't right and I'll be very surprised if the club don't sack him for it.

I agree with 100% your post - especially the above point.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/11/2023 13:52

Be interesting if she ever saw /spoke to him much before she was 18

As in innocent

It he waited till she was 18

MerryMarigold · 08/11/2023 16:34

Gloriously · 08/11/2023 08:31

He absolutely knows this isn't right and I'll be very surprised if the club don't sack him for it.

I agree with 100% your post - especially the above point.

He doesn't work for the club, OP said already. It just has an adult section he is part of, and perhaps OP's dd is also part of now.

Gloriously · 08/11/2023 16:58

@MerryMarigold - that’s incorrect.

He coaches the boys section.

Doesn’t matter if he works for them or volunteers - he is still in a position of trust with under 18s and they will hopefully take this safeguarding investigation seriously

Twtd123 · 08/12/2023 13:16

Hi, I’ve just discovered this thread by googling huge age gaps.
oh believe me I feel your pain.
My daughter (now 23) has been involved with a guy in the music industry on and off for over 5 years. She idolised him as the lead singer in a band and so couldn’t believe in her wildest dreams he’d be interested in her. Sadly at 17 they started messaging (without my knowledge) then at 18 she lost her virginity to him.
He had an on/off partner also 10 years his junior, but now she’s seen the light and finally left him.
This man destroyed my daughter with the promises he never kept and left her with anxiety, self loathing and suicidal thoughts and she hated him.
Fast forward to now and after not being able to move on with her life, other than having a great career, he’s now back as a “friend” and it makes me physically sick. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but tells me she’s an adult and to leave her alone.
What I’m trying to say is look after yourself as this has been all consuming for me and at times has made me poorly. Yet here we are back full circle.
I hope your daughter sees the light, these men are manipulating and narcissistic x

Original poster
Cupofnothing · 18/12/2023 12:20

Twtd123 · 08/12/2023 13:16

Hi, I’ve just discovered this thread by googling huge age gaps.
oh believe me I feel your pain.
My daughter (now 23) has been involved with a guy in the music industry on and off for over 5 years. She idolised him as the lead singer in a band and so couldn’t believe in her wildest dreams he’d be interested in her. Sadly at 17 they started messaging (without my knowledge) then at 18 she lost her virginity to him.
He had an on/off partner also 10 years his junior, but now she’s seen the light and finally left him.
This man destroyed my daughter with the promises he never kept and left her with anxiety, self loathing and suicidal thoughts and she hated him.
Fast forward to now and after not being able to move on with her life, other than having a great career, he’s now back as a “friend” and it makes me physically sick. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but tells me she’s an adult and to leave her alone.
What I’m trying to say is look after yourself as this has been all consuming for me and at times has made me poorly. Yet here we are back full circle.
I hope your daughter sees the light, these men are manipulating and narcissistic x

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to your daughter, and I sincerely hope that she will soon realise what has happened to her. I notice a similar pattern with DD as the "us against the world" narrative seems to be getting stronger now that there has been negative consequences and reactions. Obviosuly this pales in comparison to what happened with your DD. Wishing you the best of luck 🍀

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 18/12/2023 14:04

Hope you are well @Cupofnothing. How have things been with your DD - is she at college or university now?

Mrsgreen100 · 26/01/2024 18:21

I’m in same situation but nearly 30 years difference in age
my DD moved in with him
My stance is mouth shut door open, if I say anything I have seen that it draws her closer to the bloke and she pulls away from me .
feel your pain it’s awful

Porkfest · 26/02/2024 00:56

@Cupofnothing how are you doing and how is your daughter? I often wonder how things are going for you all.

Glooop · 04/10/2024 00:18

@Cupofnothing - How are you and your DD doing now?

Glooop · 27/12/2024 09:49

How are things a year on now @Cupofnothing ?

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