DD's boyfriend and the age gap!

[Cupofnothing]

Going anon for this.
I'm beyond myself and feel sickened, so would appreciate some words of advice or a handhold.

Last night my 18yo dd told me that she has a bf, which was news to me. Obviously this would have been perfectly fine but the guy is 20 years older than her! To make things worse, they have known each other for a few years already because of a shared hobby. At first I thought she was joking, then I realised that she was serious about this. I admit that I didn't handle it well and I said some things I shouldn't have. I am so upset by this. She also refused to tell her dad so I had to tell my husband, and he is absolutely fuming and gone silent.
DD left the house this morning without telling me where she is off to, but I can obviously assume.
I know that she is an adult and that she can make her own decisions now, but I can't shake the feeling that this did not just happen over night and that there probably was a relationship before she turned 18. That means that I must have missed obvious signs I'm going back and forth in my head, trying to think of situations and conversations which might have been a give away. How could I have missed this??? And what grown man pursues a teeanger!
I know I need to find a way to handle this calmly but right now I am just so angry and upset, and I can't talk to my husband because he has shut down and I don't want to push him over the edge. He is a very gentle and loving partner and father, but I believe he needs space now. I'm also so embarrassed so I don't even know who to speak to. I just need to vent and let out all of it

Ok, the kids tv thing gave me a chuckle. I might actually do that just to keep myself sane.

God it's worse that it's swimming.

She would get the Claire's Law info if there was anything to disclose, yes. But she wouldn't need to know it's you who made the request.

I'd report it to your local LADO with a concern about grooming as they can investigate his history too and liase with the club/governing body as to the concerns. Again you don't need to identify yourself as mum, just a concerned person whose noticed something off in the local swimming club.

This happened to me, took me about 20 years to realise I'd been groomed. Also a shared hobby and man was married and had a child. I think he must have known me since I was about 14 or 15.
I was so naive and flattered. I was also tiny, a child and not attracted to them but got manipulated.
It really upsets me now. This person went back to their wife and is now very active in local politics. I would love to out him to the press.

I was 17.

I can kind of imagine how you and DH are feeling as a man has had his eyes on your daughter for a year or two so let's say she's sixteen and he's mid thirties

It's not right, I would be wary of him. Can't imagine you'll be inviting him over for Sunday lunch anytime soon though

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry but the swimming thing changes everything for me.

My sister in law is still married to the man she met when she was 18 and he was 34. She is 66 now!

Her parents went ballistic at the time but they really were in love.

So she was an adult

Not the same

What is the shared hobby? Is there someone official who runs it?

As others said you have to okay this calm

Easy for me to say as not my dd

Say sorry to her. It was the shock of finding out

Be nice. Polite and invite him to dinner

Yes he may be a nice man ans may turn out to be the love of her life and marry /live happily

But prob will burn out

Thank you. I sometimes think the worst thing is that I lost my virginity to him and I didn't even find him remotely attractive. I just got swept along and hadn't had a boyfriend before
I'm 45 now but it still makes me cry.

There's something wrong with this man imo, I hope it doesn't last.

Ffs play

Wish I can edit on app!!

Im sorry i dont know how i missed all those updates! Swimming would ring massive alarm bells for me. Id be contacting the coaches and more.

And it's still a forbidden topic of conversation with my parents. I never go there, they thought I was a husband stealer.

Sorry, have I misread this? OP says her daughter is 18 and refers to her as an adult.

Parents will be naturally upset and angry at such a large age gap

Swimming has raised huge red flags and alarm bells for me.

It is known that predators target this activity specifically as kids are in an incredibly vulnerable position with many opportunities for grooming.

I would do some anonymous investigation with the national body - no names currently as someone might tip him off.

I think like others your priority at the moment is not pushing her away and away to him

For that reason I would hold off on Claires law type things and speaking to the coaches at swimming because she will know that you're trying to cause a wedge

You need to do a bit of reverse psychology, saying you're sorry for flying off the handle but thats because you know that most men of that age who are going out with a barely adult women, tend to do so because they're manipulators or groomers or emotionally ill equipped to have relationships with women of their own age BUT that given you trust her judgement and that she is happy with him and she wants to be with him you realise he must be different to that and therefore you want to get to know him more and you're happy for her. Assure her that you're always there for her even if she wants to moan about him etc etc. Share all the 'golden oldie' reminiscing as others have said, subtly highlight during group discussions when she is around that he is your peer, not hers.

She will work it out for herself but you need to play the long game and embrace it all with gritted teeth.

Also not sure what to say about a previous poster suggesting 'get her to a gynecologist!!!

Also it wouldnt be an appropriate referral to LADO, I dont know what people think LADO is on here sometimes!!!

Sorry, have I misread this? OP says her daughter is 18 and refers to her as an adult.

Yes. You've missed the fact that he's been swimming with her for "a few years" whilst she was a child and she only turned 18 a few weeks ago. She's shy, introverted and has never had a boyfriend. He's groomed her.

@Sorrytomoan - is there any chance you could get counselling which might help? We shouldn't have to "grin and bear" this rubbish, it truly affects us and our future relationships. I hope you can find a way to stop crying about it, that's awful for you.

Why wouldn’t it be an appropriate referral to LADO - he could well have been a volunteer with children in this hobby - as you remain a child until 18 when SA is considered.

Thank you, I have had some counselling. I'm OK I just get upset sometimes.

@bellac11 I've been DSL in various schools, colleges, unis etc for 20 years and have previously worked in POVA for my LA. There are concerns he may have groomed her since childhood, we've received and dealt with concerns like this many times over the years.

A few years is what 3 years at least? So she was 15 when they met and OP thinks he may be acting as a swimming coach. Our attitude has always been that we would rather receive a concern, investigate and it turn out to be nothing than never be alerted to potentially dangerous behaviour and a child or vulnerable adult be subjected to abuse.

"The Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) is the person who should be notified when it has been alleged that a professional or volunteer who works with children has: behaved in a way that has harmed a child, or may have harmed a child. possibly committed a criminal offence against or related to a child"

My daughters 16 and I can see how young that is now.

My friend was 17 when she started seeing her boyfriend who was 39. This was, admittedly, a long time ago (1995) but they are still together and very happy with two children. Age gap relationships do work sometimes.