Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
TiredMamOfTwo · 25/09/2023 21:45

They are old enough to make their own decision, if it went to court the judge would side with what the children wanted.

It's to late in the game to demand 50/50.

quitequietly202 · 25/09/2023 21:45

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

If he works long hours then he is literally going to be leaving the kids with his GF. It makes no sense to remove part of their time with you (their own mother) for that time to be really replaced with time with his GF (a non relative) whilst he is not there. It's fine in an emergency situation, but if you the mother is available whenever the father is not (or is at work) then they should be with you, and father should just see them when he actually had the time free

Gymmum82 · 25/09/2023 21:46

It’s up to the kids. If they don’t want to don’t force them. And no judge would force them either

Luckydog7 · 25/09/2023 21:46

Hes a cheeky fucker to ask for more of them now he had a woman to fob them off onto!

Epidote · 25/09/2023 21:47

They are old enough to be hear in court. Your ex can't force them after 10 years to be with him/ his girlfriend half of the time.
I would be very surprised if a court rule that your kids must be with your ex girlfriend (a completely un related adult) half of the time.

I think you ex is trying to force 50/50 to avoid child maintenance like if the kid won't be eating or getting dressed in his house.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 25/09/2023 21:48

It's far too late to be demanding 50/50. Not that it actually is 50/50 if his girlfriend is doing all of the drop offs/pick ups and afternoon care...

He's either trying to present himself as father of the year or wanting to stop paying for his kids. Say no, because your children don't want to do it - but be prepared for a fight to get maintenance out of him, you'll end up having to take him to the CMS.

He'll bluster and threaten to take you to court but by the time that all rolls around the children will be mid-teens and there's not a chance a judge will compel them.

vipersnest1 · 25/09/2023 21:48

If it went to court, your children would be listened to.
I'm not a lawyer but know that what I've said is true.
Talk to your DC and ask them if they would feel comfortable telling their dad they want things to carry on as they are - they're old enough to have that discussion now.
If they're not happy to do so, you will have to face him down and tell him you won't allow it, and that he'll have to take you to court.
At least that way, you haven't hurt your relationship with your children, and he knows he can't just say something and it will happen.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/09/2023 21:49

A judge would allow your kids to choose- even if the amount they chose was zero contact with dad.

Tell him to take it to court. Any decent legal person would tell him that a contact order for their ages wouldn't be enforceable.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 25/09/2023 21:49

I would’ve tempted to keep it simple. Id maybe respond in writing (text or email). “The children and I have spoken, they do not wish to change the current contact arrangement and I do not belive it is in their best interest to change the arrangement we have had for the last 10 years.”

I’d then repeat the above and not get drawn into discussion.

It’s too little too late. Children at that age are usually moving away from 50/50 in my experience and not just starting it.

category12 · 25/09/2023 21:50

Is it just because he wants to pay less child support? If he's not even going to be there and it's his partner looking after them.

At their ages, they have a voice in court, and as they get older even more so. I would back them up, say the arrangements are going to stay the same and leave it at that. He can take you to court if he wants, doubtful he'll get far if the dc don't want it.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 21:50

Tell your DD and other DC that they get a choice and they don't have to see their father more than they chose to.
Tell them a court wouldn't force them and to ignore any emotional blackmail from their father.
He is a piece of work isn't he.

Singleandproud · 25/09/2023 21:51

Court will side with the children due to their age and at the rate he's going its more likely they'll want to decrease the time they spend with him due to his attitude not increase it. Perhaps flag that up to him.

As soon as DD hit secondary school age she began organising her contact schedule with her dad, sometimes she sees him more, other weeks she doesn't see him at all as she has other plans with her friends. He however respects her wishes which I expect your ex won't.

magneticmoon · 25/09/2023 21:52

This is just about child maintenance, he has clocked that he can get out of paying it by asking for 50/50. And probably figures they're old enough he doesn't have to do much of anything while they're at his house for the 50% so an easy win to cut that cost.

RandomMess · 25/09/2023 21:52

I would ask him "why do you think the DC would want to be in your house being looked after by your GF rather than in their main home as per the prior 10 years? They don't want to simple as that."

The courts will support them and their wishes not his demands.

quitequietly202 · 25/09/2023 21:53

@Tranquilaroma additionally I have a DC whom is 13, and in the past when he was younger he used to visit his dad on weekends, but once he became or teen (or more accurately started secondary) he wanted to do other things (cinema, have school mates other etc) that conflicted with his time at his Dads. So we've had to consider that he is old enough to vocalise his preferences etc and have relaxed all the rigidness of him being at dads on set days. He just goes after school for a few hours sometimes or whatever random weekend

megletthesecond · 25/09/2023 21:54

It's tough shit on him really isn't it. At their age it is up to them to decide how they split their time with parents.

He's only doing it to reduce maintenance now his girlfriend can pick up the slack. Everyone loses except him.

Opentooffers · 25/09/2023 21:56

Is he suddenly ready to have them and step in more? Looks more like he has found a woman who will step in and do the looking after. You may find he is working the same long hours, because thats what men are for and women are for looking after DC, even if they are not your own it would seem.
Anyway, he is just plain wrong, any court would listen to you DC's wishes. However, it probably won't get to court as I doubt he'd want to spend the money required, which is the same reason why 50/50 - no more maintenance.
You should reassure your DC that nothing is going to change, regardless of what he says.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 25/09/2023 21:57

We had a court order. About 50/50.. Prob more to ex tbh. At 12 and 14 ds's opted for 100% with me.. Exh didn't even see his solicitor.. No judge would order or enforce anything at 12 +.. He has probably told his new gf he is a great df and you are an awful bitch who has kept his dc from him all these years...

Doyoumind · 25/09/2023 21:58

We don't know it's about maintenance as OP hasn't said what he pays.

It's convenient that he's made this decision now they are old enough to be much more self sufficient and don't need as much childcare or looking after as they did when he left you to do it all OP.

carly2803 · 25/09/2023 22:02

no - court will side with your children

say no, back them up - protect them

he is a right prat isnt he

Daleksatemyshed · 25/09/2023 22:09

If he works long hours then your DC won't really see anymore of him, they'll just end up being cared for by his GF. I'd ask your DC what they want and go with that. It may be that his GF will get fed up of being his unpaid babysitter in time then he'll want to backpeddle to weekends only, that's only going to upset your DC even more

category12 · 25/09/2023 22:16

I wonder if the girlfriend is delighted to be volunteered to do all these school runs, etc 🙄

Was he domineering during your relationship, OP? You seem to be taking his demands as if they're reasonable and to be taken seriously - but it's not reasonable or kind or loving towards his children to say basically he doesn't care what they want, as if they're property and not allowed to have opinions of their own.

Stand up to him and tell him arrangements will continue as they are.

Wildhorses2244 · 25/09/2023 22:19

I’m team dd here as well - I think that it’s reasonable for them to want to keep the status quo

One option which might be worth considering would be whether he would like an extra week at eg Easter? That would give him extra time with them, and might feel easier for them as he’d (presumably?) take the week off so wouldn’t be being looked after by his girlfriend.

Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 23:12

Thank you for all these replies so far.

Ex has requested that maintenance stops when 50/50 starts and that we will both be eligible for paying towards extra curricular costs/school uniform etc. Ive always paid those from the maintenance but recently its all going on travel costs.

I have done a previous thread on the legal board regarding the children changing schools as we have moved quite far away but he will not consent to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 23:19

I say quite far its still only about 19 miles from our old home

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread