Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

[Tranquilaroma]

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

To echo what everyone else said at that age the court won't upend their living arrangements if they don't want it.

This

Aren't these men selfish? I can't imagine the girlfriend wants to do all this childcare, compromising her own financial security.

Thank you for all the replies. I have spent this morning reading them but felt utterly exhausted yesterday to come back on.

The gf has been on the scene for a few years so isn't new to them. DC enjoy her company when they are with her.

My eldest DC (13) is talking again after being withdrawn and silent since returning from Ex. It was stressful for my DS and he has been clear he wants to see his Dad more in holidays for football/hanging out but not change where he lives during the week. But found it difficult to express himself to his Dad. We spent most of the evening snuggled on the sofa watching his favourite film and then he started opening up.

I am nervous for the children if their Dad takes us to court or if that is my only option to get a SIO. More worrying how stressful it will be for them.

On my list to do is reach out to some solicitors to get some answers re school changes.

Examples of text from Ex regarding 50/50

I'm their dad and have every entitlement to see my children
I want my children and will be seeking legal advice still.

These are in response to me saying that the children don't want to spend time during the school week living with him.

Try replying: I know you’re their dad, you’ve been their dad since their conception but you never wanted more time with them before, and now they are 11 and 12 and they don’t want this extra time during the week at yours. It would be disruptive. Try asking for more time with them during the holidays to hang out, play football. They’d love that i think. The children should be the priority here.

I am nervous for the children if their Dad takes us to court or if that is my only option to get a SIO. More worrying how stressful it will be for them.

He's done a very good job of using threats to control you.

Well done for realising you must speak to a solicitor. He's unlikely to go to court and if he does, as has been pointed out on here, it's very unlikely he's going to get things his way.

Stay strong!

Be safe in the knowledge that your kids are of an age the court will not force them to see their father. Courts tend to listen to children past the age of 11 I'd say. So try and hold onto that. x

When does he want it to start?

Could you possibly tell him to delay it until after Christmas?

Tell him that you would also like him to have 50/50 so you can have more free time to do things for yourself (if he’s the type of person I think he is then he’ll absolutely hate that) but because they’ve just started back in a new academic year, with new teachers etc that they’re worried about too many changes too soon.

Whereas waiting until after Christmas will let them settle back into school and get used to the idea.
(I would ring him or talk to him in person if possible so he doesn’t have the texts as proof).

Then change their schools asap.

You should be able to do it without his say but if he does have a say he’ll be much more willing to say yes if he thinks you’re also agreeing to his wants of 50/50 too.

If it does go to court they will side with you and your kids because moving schools will make sense.

Then once they’ve moved school you can give it a few weeks and then tell him that they don’t want to have more contact during term time but he can have more contact during the holidays.

If he takes you to court then so be it.
The courts will take into account their wishes and the fact that their school is closer to your home - which is why it’s important to change schools asap.

If you do it asap your kids will almost get a full academic year too as they’ve only been back 4 weeks.

I spent years doing what my ex said and trying not to rock the boat because he kept threatening me with the courts.

I’m actually really angry and embarrassed that I let him be so controlling when he wasn’t even involved in our child’s life.

If I could go back I would have put my foot down right from the beginning.

Don’t be like me.

When you moved you should have moved schools straight away.
Do it now instead and don’t listen to any more of his threats.

Once they’ve moved schools tell him that 50/50 isn’t happening.
If he threatens you will court then just tell him to do what he needs to do.
The court will not give him 50/50 if the kids don’t want it.

Interesting that he talks about his own "want" and "entitlement" but doesn't consider his children's
What an arse

"Yes you're their dad, but you can't expect to go from contact for 10 years to 50/50 overnight. It's not what's best for the children. It would have to be a gradual change as they get more comfortable spending more time with you/at your house.
They've made it clear to me that it isn't what they want right now and their needs come before yours."

But as others have said, it's likely no court is going to force early teens into a 50/50 agreement against their wishes.

Kill him with kindness "yes good idea ex dh i can't see that we will agree and better to have a third party sort it all out. Let me know if you want to try mediation first as court can be pricey!" And watch him balk at you not backing down

@Tranquilaroma

Been through divorce/etc.

Most importantly - tell your kids they are protected by law and no one will force them against their will at their age. And that YOU will fight for them. (Separately - dont make them ‘talk and explain’ what they want to Ex - its extremely hard for kids to do that)

You have nothing to fear. Law is on your side. Long history of EOW; kids ages and preference - tramps his new found desire to be a father (and minimise CM) He wont get far in the court.

As to school change - use solicitor - get w date for court hearing on Special Issue order. This will show him you mean business and doing whats best for kids.
While waiting for court - you can try to agree with him - but do it all in writing sp you have evidence. It has to be very clear in your messages that you are suggesting the change for your kids’ sake - to reduce travel time, etc. Get every available resource to help - talk to SS, citizens advice, women’s aid.

Ex will eventually understand the reality of the situation and how law sees it. Va what he wants it to be.

Good luck. It’ll take effort - but you can do it.

He's not asked you a question in that text so there is no reason to respond.

The court will take the opinion of the dc into consideration if it comes to that .

He doesn't have a right to contact. Legally the kids have a right to contact with him. His thinking is centred on himself and very selfish.

I hope that you can change the kids schools (fingers crossed)

Many men go to solicitors about a contact order with teens but are rightly advised that they are unenforceable so try to have contact in other ways. It's good that your son still wants to see Dad and he should be pleased that your son isn't going NC so that he isn't under pressure from him anymore. Tell your ex to take it to court if he wants. Court is used to scare and control exes too often. You won't even need a solicitor. Self represent and if he wants mediation then request shuttle mediation so you and him are in separate rooms and you don't feel the need to calm him down.

Just say no. He'll have to go to court, and social services will do a report based on interviews with the DC.

They’re probably doing it so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. That is the only reason. Tell him to naff off.

Well I think this is going to escalate and you may as well get it all over with at once, so I think get the schools changed now. One conflict is better than two!

You don't need to reply to messages like the one in your last update, I know he's spent years conditioning you to respond but you really don't have to. Let him seek advice and spend money taking you to court if he wants to. That's his prerogative. He won't win, but you can't control his actions.

It absolutely 100% is up to your children and if he can’t see that then this is a huge problem. A court would let them decide but I really hope it doesn’t come to that and that he sees sense. He could just gradually increase his input surely to see how it goes?

His problem is that that his proposals don't actually entail him looking after his children, it's his girlfriend who will have to do the extra. If the relationship doesn't last, does he envisage going back to the previous arrangement?

As for "I'm their dad and have every entitlement to see my children" - Up to a point, but that doesn't mean his entitlement outweighs theirs, or that he is entitled to demand that his girlfriend sees them when he's not there. He clearly isn't thinking of his children's welfare in relation to the school issue, he is thinking about his personal convenience and, probably, the fact that the girlfriend won't be so amenable to spending a couple of hours a day collecting them from school.

After reading the update with his message this is so clearly about money. What an arsehole.

He has no "entitlement" to his children. Children have rights. Parents have responsibilities not rights in relation to their children. His children have a right to as much contact with him as is in their best interests but they do not have to arrange their lives to suit his convenience.

Having seen the updates now this man is being very controlling and is emotionally harming his children in the hope of saving on paying maintenance whilst expecting his girlfriend to parent them rather than him. I also would not stand for him refusing to allow them to move schools to one nearby where they live if they want to move schools. I don’t think this is his decision to make at all when you are the main caregiver. Challenge this and tell him that unfortunately if he cannot see sense then you will just have to accept him taking it to court for an official decision with which you will comply.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them.

Yes, because children are like toys or equipment — he parts-own them so he has a right to demand their presence.

Jeez, OP. You must be glad he’s ex. Your DC are right, and I’m sure no court would back him.

Having just done 3 years in court they will listen to your child’s wishes and feelings.

The general court rule is

every other weekend Fri-sun

one night in the week each week.

call and get some legal advise from a solicitor first 30mins for any company are free.