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Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/09/2023 08:35

You can go to court to move schools- do it.

I would respond to any contact from with "why are you not putting the DC's wants and needs first? They want to move schools and want to maintain the current contact pattern. You're risking making their relationship with you worse by not supporting them."

Flowers
Lookingforasilverlining · 26/09/2023 08:42

Tranquilaroma · 26/09/2023 07:40

@Opentooffers the maintenance is going on travel costs as we moved a year ago 19miles from where we originally lived. The DC were at a school where it was about 40 minutes on the bus (though at that point I was driving as one was in primary)

We moved and now it takes us 40ish minutes to drive to their school bus stop and then they continue the journey.

Earlier this year they asked to move schools as they wanted to make friends where we live and walk to school. Ex refused to consent.

This year I've been driving more to and from old school as they are tired which takes me 4 hours in total each day and has restricted a lot of studies/work.

A couple weeks ago the DC asked if I can look at the schools with them close to us so we did that when their Dad was on holiday with gf but he found out and has since been incredibly difficult.

The children want to move ASAP but I believe I need a signature from him on school forms (maybe I dont?)
I fear I will get in big trouble by a court if I move the children without his consent too.
Eldest chooses GCSE options this year and desperate to settle in a school he liked by us.

Can you go to court in order to be able to change schools?

2jacqi · 26/09/2023 08:44

so is he going to be getting up at the crack of dawn to run the kids to school roughly 20 miles away?? will he be happy travelling the 20 miles to collect them from school and take them on the return journey yet another 20 miles?? How does this increase the time he spends with kids if it his girlfriend who will be the one doing the looking after. At 12 and 13, the court will most definitely listen to the wishes of your children. they are nearly at the age where they will be going out with friends frequenty so is he prepared to drive 20 miles to collect them at 10 pm on a saturday night?? I dont think he has thought this whole thing through properly. Do the children get on with girl friend? thinks he only wants to stop maintenance really and this is just an excuse, Did you ask the court if you could move their schools. court are usually more amenable to the practicalities

Northernladdette · 26/09/2023 10:24

His situation has changed? Sounds like the gf is going to get lumbered 😩

ohdamnitjanet · 26/09/2023 10:26

Luckydog7 · 25/09/2023 21:46

Hes a cheeky fucker to ask for more of them now he had a woman to fob them off onto!

This! Can’t imagine she’d be delighted either!

AxolotlEars · 26/09/2023 10:39

Based on the fact contact would, essentially, be with his girlfriend, he is being totally unreasonable and it sounds financially motivated

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 10:43

He thinks he has parental rights but what he actually has is parental responsibilities including doing what is best for the children and their interests.
Nothing he has requested of them has their best interests at heart.
It's too late, he has fucked up and if he wants to take you to court he will find out.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 10:52

The court will definitely side with the kids. He's a cunt and men like that don't deserve their kids x

Namerequired · 26/09/2023 10:56

No judge is going to award 50/50 after 10years and against the wishes of children this age. And especially not when he can’t accommodate it and they will be left with his gf.
See a solicitor about changing schools, I can’t see that being an issue either. You need to advocate for your children against this ah.
He either is trying to save maintenance or exerting control. I don’t see any other reason after this amount of time and when he isn’t going to be there.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 26/09/2023 10:57

Go and see a solicitor and get legal advice. He doesn’t stand a chance in court of getting 50/50 but you also have to take what is best for the children into account, and talking to them, and getting others to talk to them will help achieve that. You need to keep everything in writing, so it can’t get misconstrued in the future. I doubt very much that he would be able to combat your decision to change their school, but with school places in good schools at a premium and with them already being in Comp, I’d recommend starting that ball rolling asap.

MrsMarzetti · 26/09/2023 10:57

Simply tell him no. He can take you to court if he wants but he will lose.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 26/09/2023 10:59

Speak to the school appointed counsellor your children absolutely have the right to choose at their ages and are entitled to free legal representation ask child services for the family solicitor list and have them listened to formally then your ex has no control

Namerequired · 26/09/2023 10:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 23:35

My guess is that the gf is getting annoyed about maintenance as it'd impacting their couple goals like to buy a big house or to have a baby or something.. he's told her he has to pay it as he's not resident and can't do 50/50 because of work and she's said 'oh if that's all it is I can pick them up' - perhaps trying to prove herself to be extra helpful so she gets her baby or whatever.

You don't need to uproot them to go and hang out with their sort of step mum for half their week just to save him cash

Why does a woman, and especially if it’s a new partner always get blamed when a man is an a**hole? Or a shit father, or a tight git etc etc. This is their father’s responsibility not hers, we don’t know that he isn’t putting it on her as her ‘duty’ as stepmum because he wants more money for himself. Why must we always blame women for men’s actions?

Hocuspocusnonsense · 26/09/2023 11:01

They’re no longer ‘little children’, he may now be ready to be a 50/50 parent but that time has passed and sadly he’s missed it. Realistically you only have another 2 or 3 years before their weekends start to revolve around their friends.

You’re children are old enough to decide for themselves, listen to them, and go with their wishes.

StorminanDcup · 26/09/2023 11:01

Absolutely do not give into this.

it is not what your children want, if it was then that would be a different story.

If he starts making a fuss you can simply say “if you want to set a formalised agreement then we can sort it out via a court order - I’ll wait to hear from your solicitor if that’s what you want to do”

Your kids are not babies, they are more than capable to saying what kind of contact they want with their dad and that would be taken into consideration if it went to court.

Don’t try and negotiate / find solutions for it. Your kids have determined what they want to do, just make sure to keep reassuring them that you’ll support what they want - whilst still appearing to encourage them to see their dad (you don’t want to be accused of not facilitating contact)

Hes not even going to be there to do the extra work! What an utter idiot

Amimaimia · 26/09/2023 11:02

Legally the court/social worker would consider if the children are Gillick competent. Usually a child of 12 would pass this although of course children vary (google this and Fraser guidelines if you want to consider for yourself) If they are; their opinion would be taken very strongly (even if not they would still be considered). No parent has a “right” to contact above the needs of a child.

However I imagine a court would consider a slight and gradual increase as long as the children weren’t dead set against. It would test out the children’s feelings and also their father’s commitment.

re the school this would depend if you have a court order in place. Assuming you don’t or the order is silent, you have parental responsibility and can move the children. Should the father wish to take it to Court, I can’t imagine they’d look unfavourably on your decision especially as it is with the children’s wishes.

Efacsen · 26/09/2023 11:02

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 23:12

Thank you for all these replies so far.

Ex has requested that maintenance stops when 50/50 starts and that we will both be eligible for paying towards extra curricular costs/school uniform etc. Ive always paid those from the maintenance but recently its all going on travel costs.

I have done a previous thread on the legal board regarding the children changing schools as we have moved quite far away but he will not consent to it.

What was the advice you received from your previous thread in Legal about moving schools?

Bluela18 · 26/09/2023 11:03

100% it's what the children's wishes are on this one. At this age they are old enough to make their own decisions. He can't just suddenly after 10 years of every other weekend demand 50/50 and not take his children's feelings into consideration. It's quite selfish actually. There is no way I'd allow this unless my child was happy with it !!

Codlingmoths · 26/09/2023 11:04

Good message and good for you sticking up for them. I’d start looking into if they’d need his permission to move schools at about 15.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/09/2023 11:06

@Namerequired yup he might be I said 'it's my guess' not 'I'm blaming...' it's based on lots of stories from step mums or mums whose partners have older kids on here complaining about their partners giving too much of their family pot away to their older kids mums - there are lots of these threads sadly

Goldbar · 26/09/2023 11:08

Your children are old enough that their views and wishes will be respected, especially when they are sensible. Why would they want to hang out with their dad's girlfriend when they could be in their own home? Tell him no on the 50/50, the kids don't want it, and make an application to court asap to move their school. It's in their interests to have stability as soon as possible going forward.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2023 11:13

I've had to move my kids schools twice (bullying) and I've never had to seek my exH's permission- exP as he's never had any day to day care. When asked I've said no he died t give permission as he refuses to communicate with me and it's been left there. Never had any issues

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 11:18

Tranquilaroma · 26/09/2023 08:20

I have sent my Ex the message @Embarrassednamechangeadoddle responded to.

Spoke to DD this morning who is relieved.

Really appreciate all these responses. Definitely feel strength in these messages which is long overdue for the sake of my DC.

IM so glad this is your updeat and your standing up to him.
ive been reading and capita hear how weak you sounded in saying no to him

you need to be a voice for your DC they are your priority not him and his what’s abs needs .

Frankly I’d tell the man to Piss off

Let him take you to court . He won’t as this is about him having more money.

Enroll your dc in their newcatchment school and also let him take you to court on this too( again he won’t )

Even if he did all this takes years and your dc are old enough to speak for themselves he’s on and loose loose here.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 26/09/2023 11:19

@Tranquilaroma is there a good reason why your ex wants to keep your DC at their current school? Unless their school is considered much better than the new one, it is in the children’s best interests to go to a local school.

I would advise that you need to see a family solicitor about this and the 50-50 living proposal, so that you can be very definite about what would happen in a court case (if it ever gets that far).

Feralgremlin · 26/09/2023 11:19

Stand firm with your ex, just remember you are the only person your children have who are fighting their corner for them, they need you to advocate for their needs.

As for the school issue, you can apply to the court for a specific issue order which would allow you to change schools. I can’t imagine a judge would look too kindly on a father trying to put a spanner in the works if it is what the children want and he isn’t responsible for school runs!