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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 26/09/2023 14:16

Pretty obvious he just wants to stop paying maintenance and drop the extra work on his girlfriend. The fact he thinks this is about what he wants and not the kids says it all. Good for you, keep standing firm. What a prick.

LadyLapsang · 26/09/2023 14:16

What was the reason behind your house move and was there any alignment with his relationship with the GF?

Gillbil · 26/09/2023 14:17

TiredMamOfTwo · 25/09/2023 21:45

They are old enough to make their own decision, if it went to court the judge would side with what the children wanted.

It's to late in the game to demand 50/50.

This, the court sides with the kids (unless they have any learning disabilities?) Just tell him to go to court if he really wants it, he sounds like a bully and generally faced with actual work, I think he'll give up.
Good luck

HappyPurrrsday · 26/09/2023 14:21

I read your opening post and the first thing I've thought is he/girlfriend just wants to cut down on maintenance.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/09/2023 14:31

whynotwhatknot · 26/09/2023 13:35

you dont need to go to court to change schools

my nephew wanted to change and the school sxaid as long as one parent agrees theres nothing to stop them

That's what I think too - I've just filled in the forms to move dd to a different school. Only one parent had to sign them.

dawngreen · 26/09/2023 14:51

I just get the feeling he wants to stop the gf from getting lonely, and finding another guy while he is away. If he was serious he would involve the kids in chat.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 26/09/2023 14:59

dawngreen · 26/09/2023 14:51

I just get the feeling he wants to stop the gf from getting lonely, and finding another guy while he is away. If he was serious he would involve the kids in chat.

As if he gives a shit about her!

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 26/09/2023 14:59

Lawyer, court. The children’s wellbeing is the most important thing and honestly I don’t think legally the dad has the right if the kids don’t want it = it’s not in their best interest

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/09/2023 15:00

Teateaandmoretea · 26/09/2023 14:31

That's what I think too - I've just filled in the forms to move dd to a different school. Only one parent had to sign them.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, this is true. I removed dd from her former school and enrolled her in a new one. Dh and I are married and were in agreement but his express permission was not sought.

It may be that he threatens to take you to court after the event. But as your dcs are wanting to change, their views will be listened to.

I would get legal advice op. I know it costs but a lot less than the fuel and wear and tear on your car, not to mention the loss in earnings.

Kettletoast · 26/09/2023 15:06

thunderandsunshine01 · 26/09/2023 12:25

Currently going through this. DD11 dad has not had her overnight for approx 4 years and never on a weekend, now that he has moved (out of the area where she has no connections to friends) he wants alternating weekends including overnight stays. DD beside herself and has said no. In the end I’ve had to let him take me to court, yesterday court said she needs her voice heard at this age and esp given it’s such a big change in routine. Court ordered child inclusive mediation for 3 months. Court will side with what’s best for child, and what has longevity to it given she is approaching teenage years and court ordered visits will be harder to enforce.

Also going through this, he wants EOW after never having had our DC overnight but one of the kids is just school age.

I didn’t think that court would say he wasn’t automatically allowed EOW, this is good information to have, thanks

trevthecat · 26/09/2023 15:12

With regard to changing school, my ex has no contact, but has PR. I've never been asked for his information or consent. That's 2 starting primary, 1 primary change, 2 high-school starts and 1 high school change.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 15:15

I'm a lone parent and applied to 4 secondary schools with just my name on the application. I was not asked about ex.

In your shoes I would have moved the kids to a local school then be amused when ex can't justify why old school is better than new. Does he ever pick the kids up from school anyway?

BatsInSpring · 26/09/2023 15:23

carly2803 · 25/09/2023 22:02

no - court will side with your children

say no, back them up - protect them

he is a right prat isnt he

I was probably going to say something long winded but this 👆is basically it 👏👏👏

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 26/09/2023 15:37

Good advice to keep all communication in writing ie email and whatsapp or text. Just keep repeating it's not in the children's best interests.

A solicitor normally gives a half hour session free to discuss your issue, then informs you of costs should you need further legal advice. I had a neighbour issue - I drafted a response to their solicitor's letter, took it to my free half hour appointment, the solicitor discussed my situation, read the letter, crossed out a bit, inserted a paragraph and told me to print it out and send it. Said that should get them off my back but if it continues or I want to take further action, it would be £200 per hour.

It worked - haven't heard anything since then, that was two years ago. If I needed a solicitor, I'd see that nice one who advised me.

Check solicitors in your area, ask about a free initial consultation, and go ready with your questions. If necessary ask if you can record their answers on your iphone so you're clear on what they say, you won't get anything printed out from the appointment as that starts attracting fees.

Kettletoast · 26/09/2023 15:50

Use our family wizard coparenting app
can be used in court

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/09/2023 16:15

You do not need a signature from him to change schools. Just do it. If he has an issue, he can take you to court. He's not got much of a case though.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 26/09/2023 17:01

Definitely sounds like dad's new girlfriend doesn't want him sending you money to look after his children, and that he's not even planning to have them for his proposed 50% of the time.

Luckily, the children are old enough to say no. They're also old enough to tell a judge why it's in their best interests to change to schools closer to home.

Good luck, OP.

category12 · 26/09/2023 17:22

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 26/09/2023 17:01

Definitely sounds like dad's new girlfriend doesn't want him sending you money to look after his children, and that he's not even planning to have them for his proposed 50% of the time.

Luckily, the children are old enough to say no. They're also old enough to tell a judge why it's in their best interests to change to schools closer to home.

Good luck, OP.

I wouldn't jump to blaming the new partner. OP has confirmed her ex was domineering during the marriage - it's pretty likely he sees his new partner as useful for ending child support and provision of free childcare, rather than she's the force behind it. I don't feel that many new partners would be pushing to do free childcare and school runs while their bloke works away for the sake of money they may not even have access to.

TeenLifeMum · 26/09/2023 17:40

I would reply that the current set up is working well and the dc are happy with the arrangement so it’s important we put their well-being and happiness as our priority rather than disrupting that for a parent’s convenience. Happy to review annually with input from the scans they are old enough it’s important their voices are heard.

Then have no further conversation on the matter.

JC50 · 26/09/2023 19:03

You can change the children's school without his permission as long as there's no existing court order in place, just complete the application and leave his details off. Maybe don't tell the children until you've had an offer and accepted a place/started at the new school so there's no chance of him putting a spanner in the works.

As for court, the people telling you the Judge will listen to the children and go with what they want have clearly never been through the hell that is family court. CAFCASS is horrific to deal with, it's costly, very stressful and will drag on for months, if not years. I say this as someone who was dragged through this system for seven years by an abusive ex, who never wanted what was best for the children, just wanted to retain control. You think they will see all the evidence and make the right decision for your children but more often than not they actually look for reasons why the children don't want more time with the father and decide that's the fault of the mother and perversely end up giving the father more contact.

Make the school change, put your children's wishes and feelings first and the ex can suck it up. Present him with a done deal and stop letting him have this hold over you all.

Good luck

Lostmumdotcom · 26/09/2023 20:03

JC50 · 26/09/2023 19:03

You can change the children's school without his permission as long as there's no existing court order in place, just complete the application and leave his details off. Maybe don't tell the children until you've had an offer and accepted a place/started at the new school so there's no chance of him putting a spanner in the works.

As for court, the people telling you the Judge will listen to the children and go with what they want have clearly never been through the hell that is family court. CAFCASS is horrific to deal with, it's costly, very stressful and will drag on for months, if not years. I say this as someone who was dragged through this system for seven years by an abusive ex, who never wanted what was best for the children, just wanted to retain control. You think they will see all the evidence and make the right decision for your children but more often than not they actually look for reasons why the children don't want more time with the father and decide that's the fault of the mother and perversely end up giving the father more contact.

Make the school change, put your children's wishes and feelings first and the ex can suck it up. Present him with a done deal and stop letting him have this hold over you all.

Good luck

I've got to argue the CAFCASS point only because we had 2 and both were really good and saw through ex's lies and I now have a court order in place to protect DD and myself. Although I do believe there's some horrific stories with them, mine is the opposite x

HopeFloatsAbove · 26/09/2023 20:51

And there you habe your reason for his sudden interest in the kiddos, nothing to do with thwm but all to do with his new relationship. Go figure

Phoenixfire1988 · 27/09/2023 09:21

And there you have the real reason he wants them more and is so dismissive of your kids wishes , he's wanting to get out of paying maintenance .
Screw him and screw that tell him no the children don't want to and they are your priority his wants don't even come into it .

Chickenpie35 · 27/09/2023 09:43

Let him take you to court. Represent yourself and CAFCASS will listen to your kids they are at an age where they know their own minds now xx

Cakeorchocolate · 27/09/2023 09:48

He clearly doesn't care about the children's wishes or what's in their best interests.

There is absolutely no way I'd entertain the idea of allowing him to go from having a small presence in their lives to 50/50. Especially given they have made it clear they don't want that.

I don't think you need his permission to move schools. And it again sounds like it's in both theirs and your best interests to do it. I'd be processing applications for this asap. Let him try and stop you legally if he wants to but I doubt he would be able to convince a judge to do so with the situation you have described.

If you're concerned you need his permission then please research and maybe do a free solicitor consultation to try to get an answer.